My plan to change my life in the second two thirds of 2007 (New Year's Resolutions)

Name: Cammij

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Product:	New Year's Resolutions
Date:	23.04.07 (106 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I will be perfect

Disadvantages: it will be so much work

I realize most people do not wait until the middle of April to profess and declare their new years resolutions. Of course I had the normal resolutions that most everyone else does but they basically all fell apart Friday night all at once. Who could of guessed that the mime that my mom hired for my niece's birthday party was a person of the third gender and showed up for the gig with an eight ball and a teenage runaway. So basically I get a mulligan to start over with a new series of life improvement goals for the next year.

I got remarried in November so for the most part I have to behave myself and not fool around with other women. I think it would be quite disrespectful to my wife to mess around with other women and it would certainly hurt my wife's feelings and make her feel insecure. For the next 8 months I will not attempt to hook up with any person whose gender presentation is female.

My biggest goal of the rest of 2007 is to have an affair with the former American rules Cricket player known as Carl Yastrzemski. He was the last player to achieve a feat known as the triple crown which means he had the highest batting average, rounders and runs batted in. I want to show him a feat that some of us guys call the treble crown. granted he is 68 years old so I have to hurry and make this happen before he croaks. He hit 452 home runs in his career but I doubt he ever has been to fifth base yet. Please do not confuse the triple crown with the hat trick which involves a father, son and grandson or a triple treat which I should not discuss here.

My next most important goal is to get some of my university credits by distance learning from Leicester in Archeaology.

My next resolution is to stop making fun of so many people. I used to be so unimaginative in my choice of targets to ridicule. I used to just start in on people for their race and religions or maybe their national origin. Now last yer I got my priorities straight and realize that it is only ok to mock poor people and maybe short people and women who have a lot of facial hair.

I resolve to give blood at the blood drive. Of course they will just throw my blood away when they see my answers about tattoos, needle drugs, prostitute and people from Haiti but in all fairness I am really not a dirty person, actuually just one person in my life makes me have to answer yes to haitians, needle drugs and prostitutes. Even if they will throw my blood away I should still have to go through the tedious process and pain like decent people who care to give life.

I resolve to give more of my time and energy to charity and help people in need. Ok I thought about it and it was a pretty thought now I will get on with my life.

I resolve to learn how to play the whole song "sweet child of mine" by guns and roses, just not that intro riff.

I resolve to let all my house plants to live a full rich life span and take them on trips to the beach and countryside and rides in the car. Can you imagine how boring life would be if you were stuck in one 8 inch pot on a window sill for your entire life?

I resolve to get a valid drivers licence and auto insurance. I know I said this last year and i really did sign up for a learners permit but I made the mistake of driving to the berau of motor vehicles and parking in front and I smelt a bit like gin as it was january 2nd, my point is I really did try to comply with my resolution, I will be elligible to apply for a new permit on June 16th or sometime, I do not know for sure I leave that paper in my mapcase of my car, I will look at it on my way to work in the morning.

I resolve to actually keep a job more that six days in a row.

I resolve to quit buying more screwdrivers at the everything is a pound store. I won't promise to clean the garage or put my toolbox in order, I don't feel strong enough to face that challenge. Maybe on New Years eve with a few empty botles of Beefeater at my feet and my wife mad at me for pissing my britches I will promise to clean the garage and I may actually mean it.

Summary: these are the only things wrong with me