It's really crap, but I've got writers block (Other Motoring Issues)

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Product:	Other Motoring Issues
Date:	16/10/02 (10 review reads)
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Advantages: Driving 'n' stuff

Disadvantages: Issues 'n'stuff

I've been driving for a long time now, well not constantly driving and I'm not actually driving at this moment, well I might be when you're reading but not when I was writing, ach you know what I mean. It's been about seventeen years and during that time I have came across some right twonks out on the road. I toyed with the idea of listing some of the individual tosspot behaviour that I have come across, but those people are probably dead by now anyway so I'll stick to a more general theme. If you are ever charged with road rage simply print out this list and present it to the judge, the case will be thrown out and you'll maybe even get a medal for smacking one of these fools in the chops. So, without further ado let me present to you Charlies Motoring Morons Chart. I was going to do a top ten, but hardly anyone reads any more so I won't waste my time. Umm, five it is then.

5. If I'd done a top ten, like I was going to, I'd have started with "straight in at number ten is Tony Blair. Oops, that was a different opinion, sorry", I'm glad I didn't though coz that was crap patter. At number five is the middle-lane motorway moron. Picture the scene, it won't be hard because you see it every time you go on a motorway. A wide open road, an empty inside lane, a queue of traffic lining up in the fast lane to overtake some plonker in a 1987 Ford Fiesta. The motorways in Britain are murder at times, but they needn't be if people would use them correctly. Here's the lowdown, you drive in the inside lane until you catch up with the person in front. If you want to overtake them you move into the middle lane. If there is someone slower than you already overtaking in the middle lane you move into the fast lane. When you have passed them you move back into the inside lane. Simple. If I catch you hogging the middle lane don't be surprised if I run you off the road and stick your 1987 Ford Fiesta right
up your own tailpipe.

4. Speed Freaks. Nuff said, they do my box in. I mean, take the guy that I spotted the other day whizzing down a country road like a maniac. Jeez, he must have been doing 75-80mph when I overtook him! Really though, and particularly with town/city driving, what are they gaining? A minute, two? Is it worth putting your own life, and more importantly other people's, at risk to get somewhere a couple of minutes sooner? In some circumstances it might be understandable, although not acceptable, but 99 times out of 100 it's some plonker going to the shops or suchlike. Chill out fer chris'sake.

3. Suburban Street Parkers, actually, anyone who parks in stupid places, but mostly suburban street parkers. We've all been there haven't we, driving up a street with cars parked on either side and an approaching vehicle. It's showdown time, you would have to reverse half a mile to let him/her pass, and he/she would have to do the same. You're not budging so you start reading a book to show them you're prepared to wait all night, they do the same. More cars come behind you, and more behind them. Eventually you both get out your cars and both end up in hospital with immediate physical injuries, and longer-term stress related disorders. I know it doesn't apply to all such streets, but in many cases have a look at the empty driveways. WHY do people not park in their own driveway? Is it because they are too crap to be able to reverse out in the morning, or are they just crap full stop. Never mind parking tickets, I'd take their cars off them and park them right up their...oops, sorry. Anyhoo, long live traffic wardens, they do a grand job sorting out the lazy *******'s who don't park in non-annoying places.

2. People who aren't like me in general in general in general. I can drive reasonably well, in fact I think I'm quite good at it. Lots of other people can drive fine as well, tho
se are the people I mean by 'like me'. People who know how to control the car and are confident enough but not overly cocky. But there are a few classes of people who should basically just give up, walk, get the bus/train/cab. Old people, not all of them, but the ones who can't see three feet in front of them and pull out of junctions in front of you at 3mph and continue at that speed forever. Or learners who haven't quite mastered the art yet, y'know the ones who hit the kerb one minute and cross the centre line the next (though personally I blame the instructors for taking them out on the open road, particularly in the rush hour, death to instructors). Or cocky little twerps with baseball caps and thump thump music driving daddys car, or sales reps in company cars, or white van man who think they own the road - don't they know *I* own the road?? If you ain't like me get off the road dude, it's mine, all mine y'hear.

1. The ultimate moron spot is reserved for a habit peculiar to the female of the species. I've tried my hardest to find a bloke guilty of this one but sorry girls, it's your exclusive domain. This one is scary, but it's perhaps one that you haven't really noticed - do look out for it though, I can guarantee that when you see it happening there will be a female behind the wheel. I call it the womans three foot to one inch rule (well I don't actually call it anything but I thought I should give it a name for this opinion). It mostly happens on narrow streets where cars are parked, but it can occur anywhere that there is a stationary obstacle on the offenders side of the road. Ladies, when there is a stationary vehicle on your side of the road, and a moving one coming towards you on the other side it is wiser to leave a bit more space between you and the MOVING vehicle, really, believe me. You don't need to leave a gap of three feet between you and the parked car, particularly when that
only leaves an inch between you and the moving car. Hitting the moving car will be worse, it will be, think about it, it ain't rocket science chickies.

Add to the list if you want, I'm off now to find some clown driving with their fog lights on in a fogless situation - I fancy giving someone a well deserved raging ;o)

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