Paw prints in the snow (Pet Bereavement)

Member Name: wiggglypufff

Product:	Pet Bereavement
Date:	26/02/05 (668 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: The joy your pet brought just from having had them

Disadvantages: The end of a precious life

On the 10th of December 2002, Shadow had her breakfast, and sat a while with Paul on the settee. She then climbed the stairs to her favourite spot on the landing and lay down alongside the bathroom door. Philip came out of his room and alerted us with cries that Shadow was ‘not right’. Her eyes had lost focus, and her breathing grown very shallow. I rushed him out the door to school, trying to deny the inevitable as Paul scooped her up in his arms and cradled her. We stroked and talked to her as she faded away.

Paul handed her to me and I wrapped her in my blouse desperately trying to keep her warm, desperately hoping that I was wrong, and she wasn’t dead, simply resting deeply to regain some strength. But I couldn’t stop the warmth from her body ebbing away. She really was gone. I would have held her all day if I could, but my distress, and Shadow’s parting from this world, was taking its toll on her 8 strong feline family. I kissed her and put her down in her basket in the spare bedroom.

Whilst the world outside carried on as normal with families setting off for school and work and the bin men making the usual Tuesday morning collection, my world for a moment stopped. I felt cheated, angry, guilty and overwhelmingly distraught that Shadow had been taken from us after such as short time. She was just 18 months old, far too young to simply lie down and give up on life.

What hit me, all the family in fact, hardest was that Shadow’s death was so unexpected. We didn’t have any time to come to terms with the fact she was gonna leave us, and I felt awful that I hadn’t spent more time with her in the days before her death. I felt angry that perhaps I’d missed a vital tell tale sign, guilty that I’d been so helpless in her last few minutes of need. I wanted answers and explanations, yet there were none that I could find.

Paul contacted our local vet and told her of what had happened. She said there was little way of being 100% certain of the cause of death without carry out some kind of post mortem. But, from what Paul told her about Shadow, it was likely to have been heart failure and she wouldn’t have suffered. I couldn’t bare the thought of Shadow being poked and prodded, going through such an undignified procedure that after all would not and could not change the fact that she had died. So, she remained in the spare room. Paul went to work. I sat at my computer and poured my heart on Ciao.

Through out the day, I kept going in to see Shadow. I felt so bad about her being all alone. I didn’t want her to think she was no longer loved or remembered. I hunted around the house to find her favourite toy mouse, a little yellow thing it was, tailless as Shadow had bitten it off many moons ago. I tucked it in with her.

I cried, and cried. I hated myself for all the times I’d told Shadow off for getting under my feet when I was doing the housework I cried harder and hated myself harder as I walked around the house and she wasn’t under my feet anymore.

The night before Shadow died, she hadn’t come down for her dinner when the tin was opened. I went to look for her and she was curled up fast asleep under my bed. I got her out and carried her down the stairs to her food bowl – she didn’t struggle to be let down as she normally would. I felt so very bitter that I hadn’t held on to her that little bit longer, so very angry that her tiredness hadn’t rung alarm bells in my head. I didn’t think I’d ever stop crying, nor be able to forgive myself for her death.

I was dreading the moment when Philip came home from school, and his first words of course were “Shadow! Shadow? Mum, where’s Shadow?” He had to do no more than to look at my tear stained face to answer his own question. No further words were needed. We cried together then he went to his room and cried alone.

When Paul came home from work I wept in his arms as he held me tight. I felt almost angry that he’d gone to work and left me alone though I said nothing. We found a box and went upstairs to get Shadow. We gave her a kiss and cuddle then lay her down, still wrapped in my blouse and with her little yellow friend. As Paul carried her down the stairs and out to the garden a tear rolled down his cheek and the anger I thought I was feeling toward him just dissolved away.

It rained as we stood and said our final goodbyes to Shadow. I felt helpless as I walked in doors leaving her behind. I felt angry that I was going to lay in a warm comfy bed whilst she was braving the winter night. I felt cheated and most of all totally gutted that I was never gonna see her again.

As I lay in bed that night, I didn’t know where to start making sense of and coming to terms with the day. It played on my mind about Shadow’s sleepiness the previous night, and I thought back to the times she’d race around the house like a loony, then sleep for hours after. Why hadn’t I realised, why hadn’t I done something. WHY?

In the morning, just for a brief moment, everything was okay. 9 demanding cats were jumping all over the bed wanting their breakfast. Nope, no longer 9 but just 8. Needless to say that started the tears for that day. After feeding time the cats settled quickly. They knew that something was amiss obviously by the absence of Shadow but if they knew then or not that she wasn’t coming back, I’ll never know. They weren’t themselves though.

As the hours passed, the ability to think rationally and calmly returned bit by bit. I took a step back, away from the anger and hate that welled inside, and tried to think only of the positives. Whilst Shadow had been with us for just a short time that truly was better than never having had her at all. And although I’d wished I had some time to prepare, to say goodbye properly, Shadow hadn’t suffered a long or painful path to death. She’d simply slipped away peacefully and that was best for her. As the days passed I forgave myself for not looking into and acting upon her sleepiness. Shadow would have hated being followed around and molly-coddled, which I no doubt would have done if I’d known that her heart was weak and getting ready to give up. She’d lived and died in dignity, and that was a good thing.

In the weeks after Shadow died each day brought in it’s own way a little more peace – a happy memory springing to mind or a funny story. But some events still saddened me. When it snowed before Christmas that was quite painful for both myself and Paul as we’d promised Shadow she could go out and play if it did snow – she would have loved it. Still, she was out there somewhere, with snowflakes glistening on her whiskers, making paw prints in the vast white blanket that covered the ground, I’m sure.

So, where do you start with advice in getting over the death of a beloved family pet? Do you ever get over it, or do you just learn to live with it? For each person the grieving will be different. You have to go with the barrage of emotions until you’re ready to work with them, and through them. It’s hard to make sense of death however the circumstances arise, be it expected or as in Shadow’s case very sudden.

Don’t be surprised to feel anger and guilt as well as sadness and distress, and never ever be afraid of showing your emotions. Pet death is as cruel and unfair as any taking of life, and an event that is hard to rationalize and accept. Don’t expect to be on top of it straight away. Allow yourself time.

Ultimately the pain does lessen and the memories grow fonder. I’m not ashamed to say that I, even after all the time that has passed, shed a fair few tears while writing this op and I still have to wipe the odd tear from my eye when it snows. But the difference now is that the tears are accompanied by a smile.


This is Shadow’s story…

Shadow came to be a part of our family through sheer chance and luck. My hubby had gone to a remote farm to look at a classic car stored in an old barn. On the dashboard curled up next to her mum who had sadly died was this little bundle of black and brown fluff. As far as the car owner knew, they were long term strays, maybe wild/feral, un-homed, unprivileged, and alone in the world. It was too late to do anything about the mum, but the little bundle of fluff was alive and in need. So hubby brought her home to me. We named her Shadow and that was the start of the 18 somewhat lively months we shared with her.

If you’re a cat lover you’ll know how cute kittens are but also how boisterous and mischievous they are in the first few months. In the case of Shadow you could times the average ‘severity’ of kittenhood by 10 and still not be close to what a monster she was. Felines that live primarily apart from human contact can become extremely hard to handle, so their kittens need to be put into the home environment as early as is possible to stand a good chance of taming or even simply calming them. Even at the estimated 6-8 week age group we put Shadow into she was on her way to being out of control.

Sleepless nights were abundant for several weeks, we considered giving her up for re-homing as we had doubts we could give her what she needed considering we had 5 other cats at that time to think about too. Thankfully, she did calm down, overcame her urges to act like a she-devil 24/7 and became a fulltime member of the family.

Shadow retained a wild streak though. She didn’t like being picked up much, and a playful rub on her belly would most often turn into a game of rough and tumble. Despite that, she wasn’t an aggressive cat - never did I feel scared or even remotely unnerved by her. She was just highly strung and over excitable. We bought some catnip mice toys one day, 9 in total to be shared amongst the 6 cats - Shadow took them all, and sat in a corner growling at them. She was a character all right.

She had my postman in hysterics on several occasions, as she’d dart out the door in the morning, causing me to run down the road after her in less than suitable outdoor attire. Shadow also had the whole family in tears of laughter many many times as she used to sit on the windowsill chatting to the birds in a high pitched mew, then all of a sudden out of nowhere would come this big booming ‘bong’. Some times you’d turn round and look at her and she’d have her tongue sticking out, and that just looked so cute and funny.

The rest of the time she was just there, just being, just Shadow, a beautiful cat with a big heart and playful spirit and a little bit of devil in her.

Gone but never forgotten, rest in peace Shadow
xxx

Summary: