It's all the rage!! (Road Rage)

Member Name:

Product:	Road Rage
Date:	06/10/00 (33 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Errr, none for the victim

Disadvantages: Plenty, for the victim

In a somewhat sad and pathetic attempt at humour I have written this guide to road rage. I realise that this is a serious subject, which is not to be taken lightly. I, like most people, have been a victim of some types of road rage, but never violence (but I have been seriously tempted to dish out some violence on occasion!!). I just thought I would take this opportunity to have a little dig at the perpetrators of such cowardly acts. Hope you enjoy it, and as always, I would love to hear your comments. Oh, and I know road ragers come in all shapes and sizes and from all walks of life, so sorry about the stereotyping!!


How to be a Road Rager in one easy lesson - by ScotGirl

Chapter one - The Person

To be a good road rager the first thing you need to do is make sure you fall into one of these categories:

1. The Thug - Do your knuckles drag on the ground when you walk? Do you have a skinhead hairdo and an 'I love Mum' tattoo? Do you have no neck and a face that looks like you are wearing tights over your head even when you aren't? If you can answer yes to all these questions then congratulations - you have what it takes.
2. The Rich Wife - Are you driving hubby's top of the range Merc? Do you put your make-up (usually bright red lippy) on at traffic lights? Do you think anyone who drives a Ford Fiesta is a scumbag and should be shot? Do you think you own the road? Congrats if this sounds like you, you can make a great road rager.
3. The Spotty Youth - Are you driving dad's car? Have you only just passed your test in the last week but already know all there is to know about driving? Do you have three similarly spotty mates in the car with you? Do you ever wonder why there is no starting line at traffic lights? Are you wearing a baseball cap? Welcome to the world of road rage me old son, we will show them how to drive eh!
4. Mr Suit - Are you going to the most important meeting in the world ever?
Is your blood pressure sky high? Do you think that speed limits are for everyone else except you? Does your large company car make up for the fact that you are lacking in the 'down below' department?


Chapter two - The Actions

Now that you have identified yourself as a possible rager you need to learn a few simple actions. These should be used at least once on every trip.

1. The finger - The index finger is your most important weapon as a rager. It can be used to point to either your eyes or the side of your forehead. The finger is used in conjunction with the mouth (see point 2) to ask questions of your fellow motorists. Your middle finger can also be extended in a type of salute to your fellow motorists whenever the opportunity arises, but usually for no apparent reason.
2. The Mouth - It should always be borne in mind that other motorists cannot lip read. This makes it essential that you make best use of your mouth to wildly exaggerate any words that you try to say. The mouth is best used in tandem with the finger. You can leave other motorists in no doubt of what you are saying by pointing to your eye and mouthing "are you effin' blind" or pointing to the side of your head and mouthing "are you effin' stupid".
3. The Grimace - This bit is tricky and can take a fair bit of practice to get right. The idea is to pull such grotesque faces that even your own mother wouldn't recognise you. You can practice this face pulling in front of a mirror and when you think you have it right simply pull a face at a pint of milk. If the milk immediately turns sour then you have got it just right. On the road you should always remember to pull this face immediately after you have done the finger and mouth thing above. If you are of the 'Thug' category you can probably miss this out altogether because you look ugly enough as it is.


Chapter three - The Tools

The main tool
that you will need is of course a car. There is no one type of car that is recommended. Depending on which category of person you fall into you may want to take the following into account.
1. The Thug will almost always have a tatty old banger. This should always have a range of extras fitted such as a rear spoiler and a set of stolen alloys.
2. The Rich Wife will always have her husbands car, usually a Merc but on occasion can get away with a BMW or in extreme cases a 4x4.
3. The Spotty Youth will usually be driving dad's family saloon. Any car will do for this guy and they have even been spotted driving Volvos.
4. Mr Suit will usually have a flash company car. Which model really depends on his status, but it is usually top of the range.

In all cases though the car should be used to drive as close to the car in front as is physically possible, perhaps even with a slight shunt now and then just to really wind them up.

The horn and lights also come in extremely handy and should be honked and flashed at every opportunity.
In the boot of the car or perhaps behind the drivers seat you should always carry some sort of 'chib'. This can be anything from an iron bar to a car jack, anything will do as long is it will cause some severe damage when you skull someone with it.


Chapter Four - The Target

As a road rager you should always be on the look out for victims. There are plenty possible targets out there but the best are usually older people or lone women. You should take care never to pick on someone bigger than you in case they give you a good hiding. Anyone is fair game but you should try particularly to pick on anyone that is sticking to the speed limit. People who drive onto roundabouts while you are within forty yards of said roundabout are also a favoured target.


Chapter five - The Rage

There are certain protocols that should be followed when actually carrying out the an
cient art of Road Rage.

1. Always remember the finger and mouth thing, this is the start of every good rage.
2. If the victim has a mobile phone and seems to be calling someone you should get the hell out of there.
3. If the victim stops, and they are smaller or weaker than you then remember you have your 'chib' to hit them with. If they are bigger than you - run away.
4. If the victim drives towards a police station do not follow them.
5. Always try to scare your victim by driving as close to them as possible while making good use of your grimace skills.
6. Above all have fun. There are plenty victims out there - lets go get 'em.

Summary: