My list of baduns, issues and gripes. (Room 101)

Member Name: northers

Product:	Room 101
Date:	31/05/09 (146 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Good therapy.

Disadvantages: Difficult to narrow it down.

Disclaimer: slightly rud(ish) play on words in this review. Sorry.


I've seen a number of people post their list of bugbears, evildoers and problems with the world at large in to the imaginary room 101. I will probably talk about a very mixed bag of things, and no doubt offend some people along the way, so I apologise in advance. It seems the process is a great way to vent some spleen, and I reckon it looks like good therapy, so here goes:

*** People jumping the queue in the road ***

You are in the car, driving down a dual carriageway, then you are made aware that in the distance two lanes narrow down to one. MOST people calmly pull in to the left hand lane and politely queue and wait to get through the bottleneck. This, apparently, is not acceptable to a few individuals who regard it their right to glide down the outside lane and then barge in right at the point when the lanes merge. These people obviously regard themselves to be far more important than the rest of us, where in fact they are nothing more than selfish, rude, arrogant morons. And don't try and suggest that if everyone would fill both lanes and merge one by one it would work perfectly, it's not going to happen is it?


*** Psychotic motorcyclists ***

I know a number of past, present (and future) motorcyclists and they are perfectly nice people UNLESS they find themselves on top of a motorcycle, whereupon some of them transform into dangerous, rude and arrogant road hogs. There are a few motorcyclists who stick to the speed limits or thereabouts, who don't relentlessly tailgate me until they find a split second to overtake at breakneck speed and who don't make me a little nervous while they zip around and to them I apologise for lumping them together with their more insane brethren who seem to relish dangling their man-bits above the jaws of death every Bank Holiday Monday.


*** Non-entity celebrities ***

The modern scourge of our society. I am sick of morons out there that make a huge amount of money despite having no talent. And the depressing thing is WE LOVE IT. Not all of us, obviously, but the only reason the likes of Jordan and Jade make/made their money is for some reason people want to read (or fawn over bland, self-aggrandising photographs) about how they are transforming their lack of talent in to huge mountains of cash. I really don't understand it. "Oooh Northers, you're just jealous' I hear some of you say. No. I am resentful, not jealous; lots of celebrities with obvious talent out there earn a lot of money and I say good luck to them. Finally to those that say Jordan is a good role model and is a very shrewd businesswoman, I ask you this: would you want your daughter to do what she did to get famous? I didn't think so.


*** Jumpers round shoulders ***

It's early spring. Too cold to wear a t-shirt, too warm to wear a jumper. I know, I'll drape my jumper around my shoulders and secure it by loosely knotting the arms around my neck. Don't I look cool, sauve and sophisticated? No. You don't. Not for a second.


*** Private number plates ***

Don't understand it. Not one bit. Why waste a few thousand pounds on a number plate that vaguely spells your name? Hmm... Saw a R11CKY the other day. Nice. Funny how no-one buys things like TO55ERR or YD10TIC despite how apt they might be...


*** Smoking near food ***

You are just about to start eating and someone lights up right next to you. Thankfully it doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to, but every now and then it does and I think it's disgusting.


*** Missing 't's, 'h's, ***

There are many different accents to be found within this intriguing nation of ours and I can honestly say I don't dislike any. I think it's great that you can drive over a hill it seems and get out of the car and listen to a completely different dialect. Brilliant. What I can't abide is the moronese that seems to be sweeping the nation. Words like 'nuffink', saying 'free' instead of 'three' to give but two examples. Ugh.


*** Needless killing ***

We are at the top of the food chain, so I frequently assert my dominion over the animals by eating them. As long as an animal is not endangered and as long as we can eat a good amount of its body and not waste much, then I say go ahead and eat. I don't have a problem with people hunting, even posh nobs, as long as they eat what they kill. Bizarrely it's the little creatures that I find myself defending, such as moths: they don't eat your clothes, just leave them be. People tend to squish first and not ask questions later, a big shame for me.


*** Bad manners ***

As the old adage goes, they cost nothing and often mean the world to people. 'Please' and 'thankyou' are two of the most under-used words in our language. I would put those alien to common decency and simple manners in to Room 101.


*** Barbecue fear ***

I love a good barbecue. Who doesn't? Believe it or not they DO actually cook food. There really is no need to roast all your meat in the oven for half an hour before whacking it on the barbecue 'just to finish it off'. I have seen it done. I once had to cook for some people who would not eat until everything was coated in carbon. Honestly. Every sausage looked like spent nuclear fuel when it finally came off the grill. (Mine didn't. I ate my fill a full twenty minutes before everyone else). Barbecue-sceptics: in you go!


*** Teenagers who won't smile in photos ***

When I were a lad (cue wavy lines) I smiled in photos. I still do. You are having fun aren't you? The current vogue among those of a certain age these days is to stare in to the lens and try to affect the most gauche visage possible. It annoys the bejeezus out of me. Lighten up.

There. I've done it. I have to say that feels a little better, and I could have gone on all day, but I thought I would end it there. I now expect to get relentlessly flamed by vegetarian teenage jumper-round-the-neck wearing motorcyclists. Have at me boys....

Summary: I do enjoy life really. Honest!