The voice of reason speaks! (Room 101)

Member Name: The Duke

Product:	Room 101
Date:	11/03/02 (101 review reads)
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Oh dear. Room 101, eh? "Room 101 is an imaginary room into which you can put objects, services or even concepts that you would like to see removed from everyday life. What objects would you put into room 101?" It's not a big list - only about three or four things, but they get me all mad and angry. How can I write about the stuff that I would like to see disappear without it turning into a full-blown rant?

I daresay I'll give it a good go, but I can't guarantee that I won't go off on one at any moment. So, sit back, read and hopefully enjoy what I consider the things I think should be banished from our society.

Manchester United Football Club plc (and supporters)
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I was going to be quite content with just putting the football club into 101, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that in order to do justice you would have to include the supporters as well.

What's to hate about Man Utd supporters, you ask? Well, let's see...

What about the way they gloat? Yes indeed, you can be guaranteed that if your team is playing them and lose, then they'll be the first to open their mouths to rub salt in the wound. However, should you think of doing the same to them when your team beats them, they'll run off in a girly huff (sorry, girls) and refuse to speak to you until the next time they beat your team. Yes, Man Utd supporters do not have a sense of humour.

Another gripe I have with Scum Utd supports is how blinkered they are. Now, I'm not daft - you can't expect someone who supports a team (no matter what sport) to be 100% neutral when discussing the team of their choice in action, but Man Utd supporters seem to watch totally different football matches to the ones I've watched on TV. To this day I still meet Man Utd supporters who think they were the better team when they "won" the Champi
ons League competition against Bayern Munich a few years ago. I also remember nearly getting chucked out of a golf club for telling a Man Utd supporting club secretary exactly how much rubbish he was talking, despite the fact he'd been giving me grief for approximately 45 minutes.

That's enough about the supporters (although I may return to them later) - what about the team? Well, obviously "Sir" Alex Ferguson could moan for Scotland (not that I'm saying Scots are moaners - they're all lovely, lovely people), and with all that two stopwatch malarkey he has going on, he really should take a reality check. Referees are not ganging up on him and giving the other team unfair advantages etc. This season he's been a lot better though - for some strange reason the fact that there's still a challenge going on for the Premier League title seems to have given him a sense of humour, and he's no longer as obnoxious as he was in years of old.

The team... Well, believe it or not, I don't actually have that much against the team in general (although I will say that Beckham is a vastly over-rated player) but they still have to go into Room 101 because without a manager or supporters, there's no reason for their existence.

*Please note: this is based on my experience of Man Utd supporters. Don't come crying to me if you're a Man Utd supporter and you have a sense of humour and/or you're totally unbiased. I won't believe you anyway.

Winter
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Winter sucks. It didn't used to - it used to be really good fun. No longer though. Winter, when you're a grown up, is nothing but an annoyance. Short days, little sun and all the attractive people are wrapped up in 10 layers of clothing. No! This cannot be right. If winter is to be kept out of Room 101, then we must have more snow, plus free days off when it snows for fun - building snowmen... erm snowpeople, having snowball
fights etc. otherwise, banish it for good, and give us a year long summer.

Winters are also bad because our local services are never prepared for adverse weather conditions. This means that when we do have a cold spell with snow etc. our roads are unprepared and unusable, and we all end up sitting in our homes like hermits until the thaw. Going to the pub and other social activities are effectively ruled out leaving me miserable, landlords poorer and beer waiting to be consumed.

Soap Operas
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I don't watch soaps because I hate 'em. Emmerdale Farm, Coronation Street, Brookside, Hollyoaks, Eastenders, Take the High Road, Neighbours - you know the score. Why do people insist on watching other people pretend to have miserable lives? I mean, back in the 80's it wasn't such a big deal watching a soap. Dallas was more acceptable simply because it showed you something else (i.e. rich people flouncing around treating poor people like dirt, and shafting each other in a myriad of ways). Who cares if there's a custody battle over the pub in Coronation Street? Who cares who shot Grant? Who cares if Jack Duckworth loses Emmerdale Farm because of debt?

Watching poor people lead miserable lives is daft. Why? I mean, I wish I could come up with a convincing argument why soaps should be put into Room 101, but the concept is just too daft for me to comprehend! All soaps must be banished now! Oh, and if soaps get put into Room 101, then I won't have to hear any more moaning when they're replaced by football.

Manufactured Bands
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Steps, 5ive, Hear'Say, Westlife, Atomic Kitten, Blue, Boyzone, Take That. Oh, I could go on and on.

Recipe for pop success:

1. Gather together a group of attractive individuals who can sort of sing. Other musical talent is optional, but by the third album they'll be claiming to co-write anyway.

2. Clothe them
scantily, preferably all in a similar manner.

3. Give them an up-tempo, pop number to sing (perhaps even a cover version).

4. Flood the media with PR until everyone is sick of them.

5. Release single and watch the money flood in.

6. Repeat steps 2 - 6 until the public is well and truly sick of them whereupon you go to step one and repeat with someone else.

The music is bland, the people are bland and there's practically no invention anymore. They all sound the same - it's hard to tell one boy band from another, and it's the same with girl bands too. Every now and again, one of them might bring out a decent tune, but they're few and far between, certainly not often enough to justify the amount of the buggers running around the hit parade.

So: banish them all into Room 101. Every single last one of them. No exceptions. The same goes for the winner of Pap Idol.

Only he should be killed first. Slowly...

So, there you go, four of my choices for Room 101. I know I probably won't get all of them in, because people rarely do get all their wishes granted. However, if I get three of them in, I'd be extremely happy.

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