Die Evil Scum! (Room 101)

Member Name: buttonman

Product:	Room 101
Date:	20/03/02 (296 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: We love to hate 'em!

Disadvantages: Not that much!

Like the late farmer Giles' brother these things get my goat. No profound or worthy things may enter my pantheon of pain only the annoying, niggly ones may gain admission. So no thanks to banishing injustice or bigotry but off you go Tampon adverts at teatime. The format appears to allow six moans, but I thought I'd go for broader categories in order that more petty bitching may be allowed.

People
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Beggars I have a hearty dislike and mistrust of beggars. I slog away all day taking crap and listening to old women prattling on so that Tony Blair can help himself to a third of my paltry pay in tax and National Insurance. Once I get my pay cheque I have to pay VAT on almost every good or service I buy and that's not to mention the laughable taxes on booze and petrol. Once it dribbles through to me I'm getting about half of what I earn.

So forgive me if I'm not inclined to empty my pockets to the junkie with a cardboard sign whose only contribution to society is to clutter up the pavements. People say 'Oh how can he get a job?' Well tough. I went to school and got educated while he was stealing cars and laughing at the swotty kids.I towed the line in a dull office whilst he was smoking crack. Society's to blame? Sorry that's passing the buck. We are all responsible for ourselves and if you choose a life of drugs, crime or just living outwith the system, fine just don't ask me to subsidise it.

Old People: A popular choice on Dooyoo and highly justified. Who hasn't opened a door for an old bag and then not been given the courtesy of a thank you? I also hate the way they get on the bus and then start looking for their purse - not expecting them to charge today grandma? I also hate them standing over you expecting a seat. Sorry luv, I pay full fare and your pension! Anyway didn't your sister jump in front of a horse of this equality you now have! BTW where are all the pensioners g
oing at 9 am? The bus is packed with 'em!

Scummy people: I like having a good swear. If something is exceptionally great or scary a hearty 'F*** me!' serves to illustrate this point. Some people have corrupted the good honest swear into everyday use so that 'F*** you, you f****** f*****' is not a rare speech pattern. With some of the scum it's almost like a null code where you have to omit the swear words to get the message. I also hate their lack of respect for others. Examples of this include smoking on the bus, dropping litter and smacking their brats in the supermarket, plane or cinema so we can all hear the fun!

Cyclists: Oh how they moan about car users 'We've as much right to be on the road as you' OK show me your road tax disc and I'll try to avoid you!As for rules of the road who hasn't marvelled at the law abiding pedal pusher who when approaching a red light decides the pavements aren't so bad after all?

Mobile Phone Users: Hey we've all got one and they are no longer a status symbol so why do some toss pots pretend otherwise.Who hasn't bumped into someone who has slammed on the brakes whilst walking up the high street to tell their pals they'll be there in a minute? I also hate people who have novelty ring tones and who let them ring for an unreasonably long time so that we can all hear the A*Team theme and decide that they are indeed wacky and not at all a sad loser.


Smokers: I hate smokers with their wheezy coughs and carcergenic clothes.They try to tell you that cough isn't smoking related but the flu.Yeah? well get to the doctors cos you've had it ten years.Of all smokers the High street smoker is the worst.So fragrant smelling are his cancerous fumes he chooses to share them with everyone even those who chose not to stink or die young

Crappy Drivers: See those people who got their drivers' licence in the Frosties box? They get on
my wick.Examples of crappy driving include the no indicators for me brigade who think their route is so clear we all should guess it.Their evil kin include those people who slow down to 1mph when turning left and those who drive fast,brake,fast,break if I wanted a set of X-Mas lights I'd have went to Woolies!


Hollywood Celebrities: I hate those Hollywood celebrities who think everything they do is wacky and should be a craze.You know cigars,Humvees,Pot bellied pigs, vietnamese children one gets one they all do.Look Arnie make a decent film and people will take notice,buy an overpriced tacky restaurant and they won't be.Still you sleep on a bed of cash so what do I know.


Me: Sometimes I really annoy myself.Have you ever went to punch the wrong keyboard key,stopped yourself and then done it anyway? I do that all the time and it bugs me.I always forget to put sweeteners in my tea and waste my time watching films I've seen loads of times before.Get a grip!


Services
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Cold Callers: I hate the people who buy windows and conservatories over the phone which means the annoying practice of cold calling will never end. The other night I was playing Metal Gear when the phone goes. It just got up and left. No, it rang and the conversation went thus:

Caller: Mr Watson
Me: Yes (suspiciously)
Caller: It's the Co-op Bank here. Can you confirm you postcode?
Me: Why?
Caller : We need to verify it's you
Me: Why?
Caller: So I can tell you about new services
Me : How do I know it's you?
Caller: It's nothing to worry about
Me : I'm not worried

Etc etc

So not only was I bothered and had to get up away from my stealthy action I had to have this inane conversation that wasted precious moments of my life. The other gambits that I hate are 'Mr Watson what would you say to a free holiday' and 'What would you do with £5000?'
the correct answer to both is of course 'Click'!

Gas salesmen: Since deregulation neary a night can pass when some dipstick doesn't call asking if you like your gas supplier. I changed from Scottich gas to Scottish Power so I would have one bill and it'd be fractionally cheaper.The gas people realised the public wern't as thick as they hoped so they spend spotty youths around to tease you back.One came to my door saying he's match my deal - Big wow-ee! I said they used to rip me off when there was no deregulation. His reply was the regulator wouldn't let them cut prices.No sale!



Media
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I like 'The Sun' but it is the home of the most evil pun-fest around, the 'funny' top ten. Let's say Liz Taylor loses ten stone. The Sun would celebrate with a list like:

1) Love me slender
2) Livin' on a carrot
3) Something by the Trimeloes
4) No cake 'til Brooklyn
5) Slimfast in a jar by Thin Lizzy
6) Calorie (Valerie)
7) Throwing up is hard to do
8) Weigh down
9) While my scales gently weep
10) Sweet pies are made of this

That took ten minutes and it's miles better than theirs!

Adverts: For every great campaign like Budweiser's 'Real men of genius' there are shed loads of clinkers. I don't generally watch them but what bugs me most are those 'teaser' ads that don't even tell you what the product is. You know, they say stuff like 'Curious?' 'Coming soon' etc. The idea is that we are so thick by the time they reveal the new scent for Toilet Duck that we'll all rush out and buy it. I therefore make a conscious decision not to buy any product marketed in this fashion. No such thing as bad publicity? - Don't you believe it.

Charity Events:I give to charity,not a lot but do have direct debits and don't generally shout about it.What I hate is these nitwi
ts who sit in a bath of baked beans for a week to earn £30 for Oxfam.You are impressing nobody attention seeker,if you'd sent Oxfam the cash you spent on beans they'd be twice as well off.But that wouldn't get your face in the local rag would it?

I also hate those themed charity events like Jeans for Genes or ones were you can wear a football shirt to work for a donation.Why can't these people simply cough up if the charity is worthy? These look at me giving appeals never sit right with me.Sorry.

The Weather forecast: Is there a duller and more pointless three minutes of TV time ('Points of View' excluded)? It's never right and it is so boring.Don't rattle on about isobars just tell us if it's going to be sunny! Not that you can of course.


Entertainment
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The Birds of a feather: I really hate Tracy and Sharon and their unspeakable commercial whore portrayers. Every time you see them they bang on about being lifelong pals whilst also being both cheeky and Cockney. They advertise any old garbage and one even brought out a 'How to lose a stone video' despite being the female equivalent of the QE2! Lock 'em up me ole china if not in room 101 Camp X-Ray will do

Soaps: Soaps must be the most lifesucking pieces of torture ever devised. Some brain cell isolationists spend hours a day watching actors play someone's fictitious life - why not cut out the middle man and get one of your own?. And they are dreadful. I mean Ken Barlow gets married and divorced at least twice a year - entertainment? My armpits!

Things
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Black Sci-fi T-Shirts: Is there any sight less appealing than a fat bloke in a black Red Dwarf T-Shirt that has the slogan 'Smoke me a kipper...'? They only come in one size - massive and the black highlights their landslide dandruff.Only Sci-fi and heavy metal promote the black t-shirt with unfunny logo but that t
wo classes of zero is two too many!

'Funny' Ties: Why is it that the only person who wears a 'funny' tie in any office is also the one voted most likely to start a massacre? These ghastly items of attire usually feature Homer Simpson or South Park and serve only to tell you that the wearer is not wacky and is to be avoided.Worryingly my mother gave me Homer ties foe both my Christmas and Birthday - Any offers?


OK I'm off to get annoyed by other stuff. Don't leave sniffy comments or you could star I the next update!

Summary: