What Would a Mohican Giraffe Put in Room 101? (Room 101)

Member Name: KingHerrod

Product:	Room 101
Date:	22/03/02 (301 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Fun

Disadvantages: Nasty things

As a giraffe of the mohican variety, I am a fan of Paul Merton, we all are, we all gather in my hidey hole and watch his Room 101 programme, we titter, we cheer, we boo and when Des Lynam appeared we all tried to grow a clothes brush moustache.

So when MrKing allowed me some computer time, I surfed DooYoo and nearly wet my Calvin Klein boxer shorts, there was my beloved Room 101 and I could tell you all what I would put in there.

Now MrKing gets all snooty about these categories, what is consumery about them he whines and I say well what is consumery about me, you damn hypocrite. If you really felt so strongly about the consumery nature of DooYoo you would not write about my antics or let me write on the site. I felt good, that told the jumped up little twerp, OK he is much taller than me, but he is still jumped up, well sometimes anyway, he is nice to me most of the time.

So over the past few weeks I have been giving serious mohican giraffe thought to what I would put in Room 101, if MrPaulMerton ever let me on his show. I am only allowed six choices as that is the rule, but in 1984, it seemed there were only ever rats in Room 101. Orwell was not very creative, oh yes I have been doing my studying at my new school and this brings me onto my first choice.

[Geoffrey, I don't quite think you got the Room 101 concept in that book, it wasn't just rats it would be anyone's biggest fear.]

Oh shut up you know all, now where was I.

BIGOTS, CLOSE-MINDED, INTOLERANT AND RUDE PEOPLE.

Now as some of you will know I was expelled from my first school when I kicked my teacher in the shin. Now I have realised that there is no excuse for being violent, (although I do still enjoy a good scalping session) but my teacher was very rude and disrespectful to my people and relatives.

Here is what happened for all that don't remember.

Teacher told me that the American Indians were cultura
lly inferior to the western world and so I scalped her. She then told me no giraffes were ever descended from American Indians and I should stop deluding myself. So I kicked her in the shin.

After that I had to see the head master and he told me to apologise to the teacher, when I said that I wanted an apology as well, he said, "Now listen here, Sonny Jim, don't push it!" I of course said, "I am not called Sonny or Jim and I don't like having racist and ignorant comments made at me!" He then expelled me.

Some people moan at me, because they think that I don't exist, I say have an open mind, MrHegel implies that if something exists in somebody's mind then it has to exist in some form or other, it is just not in the traditional form of existence. So maybe I am a Real giraffe or a real giraffe, you decide, but I feel real myself. Gosh, I have been doing my homework.

As I giraffe all I say is respect other peoples' point of view and right to make their point, respect peoples cultural differences and generally be nice to people and of course all talking animals. Even as a young giraffe I know that I can disagree with people without being rude or belittling the other person.

I am reading a guy called John Stuart Mill and he makes lots of sense on this point.

Also I think killing people or wanting to kill people is wrong.

I guess it is intolerant for me not to tolerate intolerant people, but I never said that I was a perfect giraffe, I just try my hardest to be nice and not to get cross and scalp people too much.

That is all I have to say on this subject, I hope you agree that this kind of behaviour should be banished to Room 101.

CATS

This all stems from when I was a baby mohican giraffe, I got stranded on the lawn, without my scalping axe and a posse of dastardly cats came sniffing around me, I think they all wanted to eat me for lunch, as it wa
s that time of the day, I was certainly desperate for my 1 P.M. pop tart. Anyway, they swiped at me, with their claws and cut me in a few places whilst I ran around the lawn like a loon trying to escape. Luckily for me, MrKing appeared on the scene shooed the cats away and rescued me. From then on we were the bestest friends. After this, I cannot stand cats and I often go on missions just to scalp the evil things. MrKing quite likes them and we even had a cat of our own for a while. But let me tell you I kept my distance.

I can understand if you like cats and do not want them in Room 101, but boy they still scare the bejeezzez out of me.

ARSENAL OR ARSE EN HOLES

I love Tottenham Hotspur, I hate Arsenal. They have a manager that whinges about everything, the whole world seems to conspire against Arsenal according to Whinger Wenger. I have news for him, he is a paranoid lunatic.

[Now be a nice tolerant giraffe Geoffrey!]

The other thing I don't like about this team is the arrogance of some of them, watch Henry when he scores, he thinks he is the most perfect man on the planet. Watch Pires and his silly facial hair, I am just jealous because mine is all fluffy. Then watch Wiltord and the Bartman Bergkamp. Oh they are all so horrible, even though they play pretty football. But pretty football is for girls.

[Now, now Geoffrey, don't get all steamed up!]

I will not stop my venom, then there is Kanu who looks like he has been smoking that marijuana stuff before the game all floppy and not bothered. (I tried marijuana once, but don't tell MrKing.) My old hero Sol Campbell, who went to the library and ended up at Highbury. Shall I go on.

[I can read you fool giraffe, now go to your hidey hole and stop boring your audience.]

Even though Arsenal are the best French Club side, I despise them. Sorry, I can't help myself. Oh but I did snigger when they went out of t
he European Cup in such funny circumstances.

So please put Arsenal in Room 101 and stop that man's whinging. They used to sing a song about the Whinger at White Hart Lane, but it is not publishable, so sorry people.

ANYTHING THAT GOES IN A TOASTER APART FROM POP TARTS

Pop Tarts are the best food on the planet, Pop Tarts are haute cuisine and all that. Toasters are just for pop tarts OK. No bread, no nothing else. I accept your right to use a toaster for other things, but believe me, you would prefer to use your toaster for Pop Tarts.

One of my favourite hobbies is lurking behind the toaster in our kitchen and waiting for anyone to try and put anything in the toaster other than Pop Tarts and then throwing the offending item on the floor. This annoys MrKing quite a lot.

A toaster is for Pop Tarts and Pop Tarts alone, oh and no thinking that this means that you can toast Baby Spice or Jennifer Lopez, OK, they are not those sort of tarts.

I know some of you like toast and all that, but please put this item in for your favourite little giraffe.

LONG SCARVES

Well I am a short giraffe so they trip me up, so if you are going to buy me a scarf to keep my little neck warm in the cold winter, please make it a short one, or I will just end up tripping up and bashing my nose on the ground all the time.

Thank you very much.

I don't think I am going to get this item in, but do you want a mohican giraffe with a sore nose all winter?

Just another thing, please don't make it an Arsenal scarf, as that would just be being cruel.

RUNNING

As those of you that read MrKing's nice little piece on pasta, I along with his lovely lady friend, Lorraine are running the London marathon. We have been training for months and Lorraine has done some long gruelling training runs, whilst I have given up sat on the grass and eaten a Mars bar. Lazy me, well I only ha
ve little legs. To be frank, rather than Geoffrey I am fed up with running. Why can't we have the London sit on the grass and think about the universe marathon? I bet I have more thoughts than most humans. On the plus side, Lorraine and her group are raising thousands and thousands of pounds for Whiz Kids, a charity that helps children with mobility problems, although sometimes I think it is rather cruel to raise money for people who can't run by running, but every penny counts.

I am never running anywhere again after April 14th, I don't care if I miss my tube or bus, or am late for school, I am done with running. My knees and ankles have started to hurt all I can think about is my next run and whether I will live after it, so please put running in Room 101 so that I can stop running and start walking.

I have to run 20 miles on Sunday, I am tired just thinking about it. Maybe I will just piggyback a ride on Lorraine!

There we go there are my six, I feel a bit mean asking for some of them to go in, but consider them nicely.

THOSE THAT JUST MISSED OUT.

Certain Cartoons - I don't find all cartoons funny, but some people may like them, so they can stay out. But even if you like Arsenal I dislike them so much that they have to stay in.

People that are nasty to goats - I like goats, leave them alone and no fondling them, unless you are a goat. This wasn't nominated as the other things are currently upsetting me more than people who are nasty to goats.

Beards - MrKing says they itch; I say they look stupid and are prickly when touched. Ouch.

SMTV - this once great programme is now awful, come back Ant and Dec, go away Brian from Big Brother.

PS MrKing says you will never get him to write in this category, he is a boring git, I have given it one star as Room 101 is for nasty things.

[Thank you for your kind words young Giraffe!]

PPS I am a sorry li
ttle giraffe, some nice people told me that to be nasty to people even if they are nasty to you is not on. After some giraffe thinking and soul searching I agree. So, I could go into Room 101, how about that. But it would be cold and dark and it may have lots of cats in.

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