For one night only.... (Room 101)

Member Name: helmet

Product:	Room 101
Date:	01/08/02 (167 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: "Bye forever!"

Disadvantages: What goes around comes around

Helmet strides onto the stage to thunderous applause and there's Paul Merton, his hand extended towards the recluse. Helmet takes his seat and the clamour subsides...

"Helmet", Paul starts, "you're known to be one of the most patient and tolerant people on the planet. I never dreamed to have you here as guest on my show. I'm honoured."
Helmet smiles his appreciation, "Well, when I was asked," he mumbles, "I found it strangely easy to find a few wee things that I would like to see vanish from the face of the Earth."
His attention is drawn to the object that Paul is now placing on the trapdoor to Room 101. It is nothing more that a toy car to represent...

"Twisted seatbelts"
This has to be my pet hate. You get into your mate's, Dad's, anyone's car and the pigging seatbelt's twisted. Not just twisted that a couple of flips round will fix but that twisted way where it doesn't matter what you do, you can't get it to lie flat across your belly AND your chest. It's worse still when the belt's flat but you find the 'plug' bit of the latch pointing the wrong way! This really bugs me because the things are manufactured with a slot just thick enough to move on the belt and to get them round the right way you have to fold the belt in two and then try and get a double thickness through the slot.
Twisted belts get me so much, that on one occasion when jimblob was using the school's minibus for an errand, I spent the entire journey untwisting every seatbelt in the twelve-seater!

Paul now places the toy car bang in the middle of an empty motorway set.

"Inconsiderate Drivers"
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm the best driver on the road; everyone makes mistakes from time-to-time but jeez-oh, how some folk got their licence I'll never know. The classic has to be the car dawdling down the middl
e lane of the motorway when the left-hand lane is empty. Apart from the annoyance to lorry drivers, who are not allowed to use the right-hand lane to overtake and have to sit behind the offender (who incidentally gets annoyed at the lorry for filling his rear-view mirror), I sometimes get abuse for the way I deal with the situation. I'm driving along on the inside lane at 70mph, up ahead a middle-lamer doing 65 say. What am I going to do? Move to the middle lane and then to the outside to overtake him before returning to the inside? No. I keep going at 70 in the left lane and pass him on his nearside. Perfectly legal*; my (empty) lane is going faster than his (empty) lane. I'm not undertaking because I haven't changed lanes to pass him.

*I have since been advised that this is not perfectly legal at all; only if the middle lane is congested would I be permitted to do this. So, there's now two of them dawlding down the middle lane, with another two in the outside one... ;)
Disclaimer: I did say I wasn't the best driver... :)

Then there are the numpties who batters down the 'on' ramp, indicator flashing though they've not checked the road first, expecting whoever is already on the road to slow down or move for him. Never mind that the road's busy and there's nowhere to move to. You want to see their face when the have to slam on the brakes >:)
There are plenty others, like those who refuse to indicate their intentions at roundabouts or indicate 'right' on joining only to leave 'straight-ahead'. How long is this show..?

The Merton man now sticks a big "Pioneer" flag on the top of the wee car.

"Car Stereo Stickers"
This kills me. :) You've got your car, you've got your sound system in place; including the amp and subwoofer in the boot so you've no room to take your Mum's shopping up the road for her ;) What do you want now? You want
to put a huge PIONEER or KENWOOD sticker on the back windscreen. "Look! I've got a top-of-the-range, big-name ICE system in my Vauxhall Nova. Come and steal it!"

Rapturous applause from all around as the handle of the trapdoor is pulled. All of the above have been sent to Room 101.

"Coffee Shops"
Not ALL coffee shops are bad. I remember getting a lovely lift from a pleasant establishment in Amsterdam... No, it's the pretentious, minimalist, stainless steel jobbies where every single imaginable type of coffee is yours for the asking. You know, the Mochas, Cappuccinos, Espressos, etc. the list is endless. I suggest this should go into Room 101 only because the first and last time I was in one, in the company of a highly respected and influential acquaintance, I ordered a particularly pleasant sounding cup of something which I might add was one of the more expensive ones. When my friend asked me if I was positive that was the one I wanted, I assured him so. Aye and when they arrived at the table? He got this huge mug thing and I got a wee cup that you could've put in your eye!

Next up, a photo of jimblob that represents...

"Bad Grammar"
OK, jimblob's grammar is not that bad, nor is mine perfect by any manner of means but he has this really annoying habit of mixing up 'seen' and 'saw'.
"Helmet! Guess who I seen the other day?"
"It's 'saw', Jim, 'saw'!"
"Ach, seen, saw..."
"Arghhhh!"
The other one that really gets me is someone saying "off of", e.g. "Lift that cheese off of the table" or "He took the swedger off of the wean". What's wrong with just "off" or in other cases, "from"?
I know that won't go in because that's why jimblob was put on this Earth; to annoy ME!
;)

Paul now lifts out the groom off of the to
p of a wedding cake
(D'ye know, that hurts me to leave that 'off of' there, even as a joke)

"Single Life"
Just because it's rubbish. You come home from work and who's there to welcome you with open arms? No-one. Who's there to courie into in front of an open fire on a cold, winter's night? No-one. Who's there to turn to when you need to talk? No-one. Who's there to share your joy at getting the highest score in Minesweeper? No-one. Who's there to wash and iron the clothes and make the beds and tidy up and cook the meals? :P No-one.

Surprisingly, Paul again pulls the lever and they're flushed to the recesses of Room 101. However, as Helmet gets up to leave, he trips and too falls through the hatch to be reunited with his 101s!

Summary: