Carpe Rectum (Room 101)

Member Name: wampyrii

Product:	Room 101
Date:	02/07/03 (348 review reads)
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OK so this was written for somewhere else but I'm bored so I thought I'd C&P to while away the time. :oP~ What are we up to now at dooyoo anyway? 200...300 perhaps of these Room 101 ops? lol Geesh, well you've got mine now. I haven't used Speakers Corner for aaaaaages so I'm sure you'll forgive me. if not then bol...erm, never mind eh? ;o)

First to go...

No. 1 - Testicles

What?! OK I have no problem with testicles, in fact, I'm rather fond of my own and realise that any banishment of such things to Room 101 may have somewhat dire consequences to the human race (only dogs would be able to hear men speak for a start) but I do have a complaint.

The very nature of testicles shakes the very foundation of my beliefs.

I'm an evolutionist. I'm quite happy to believe that giraffes have long necks because over time they evolved that way to reach the more succulent buds at the top of trees or that tigers developed stripes for camouflage and baboons grew big red arses to amuse the rest of the animal kingdom. It works for me. Testicles, just don't fit. No one can convince me that after thousands of years of evolution, the strongest of the strong had the most sensitive part of their anatomy dangling between their legs just begging to be kicked, punched, sat on, caught in a zipper etc.! What's with that!? Surely there's somewhere more CONVENIENT for them?? Like erm, 'inside' where they tend to run if kicked, punched, sat on etc. anyway! (incidentally I thought I had seen evolution in action once until I realised it was a guy with a bad case of piles).

Testicles simply do not fit in with my theory of life, the world and everything. Indeed, they threaten to shake me from my anti-creationist apple tree and convince me of the existence of a God...one who likes tea-bagging.


No. 2 - Handbags

How come men get away with pockets whilst women need to carry
the entire contents of an upper drawer around with them? And why does this bag increase in size as the bearer increases in age? It starts off as a purse, progresses to a shopping bag and culminates in something so large it needs wheels and they have to push it along!

OK so I don't really care about handbags either, what I care about is this:

Why does the guy always end up carrying it and looking like a complete pillock because his other 'arf has stuffed it with so much shite over the years it now becomes impossible for her to carry for more than five minutes?!

I've seen inside these bags. It's like the bastard love child of the Tardis and a skip! Purses, tissues, pads, umbrellas, more bags(!), 2lb of pennies lurking around the bottom, mace, make-up, perfume, spare pair of tights...Lord Lucan, Shergar, the Marie Celeste... Geeeeeez. Sort it out ladies huh? If my evolutionary theories are indeed correct and I am missing the glorious ingenuity of having testicles dangling in the most inconvenient of places then I would expect women to grow marsupial style pouches by the year 3001 if this practice isn't curbed immediately. ;o)

Does anyone remember the "male handbag" that style gurus tried to convince us was a great fashion accessory not so long ago by the way? They didn't catch on because we didn't see the point in carrying two...


No. 3 - Shopping Trolleys (trollies? why doesn't that look right?)

Trolleys(trollies?) are a menace. There is nothing pleasurable about shopping in a supermarket and I put the blame all down to the invention of the shopping trolley. It's hardly rocket science but I do believe I am yet to come across a shopping trolley which you could actually push in a straight line. They're not designed that way. Shopping trollies are designed to turn to the right. So convinced am I of this fact that I am certain one day someone will open a chain of c
ircular supermarkets consisting not of aisles but of circular rings of shelving and make a killing. That way, you can just push the trolley and around it would go, turning right all the time, hugging the shelves rather than driving through them, making shopping that much more pleasurable. Great! I would shop there.

They also have this innate love affair with human ankles. Particularly mine. Forget about missile guidance technology, our scientists should investigate just how this works and harness that power instead. It would be far more accurate and effective than all this silicon wizardry. If we'd unleashed self-propelled motorised trollies into the Iraqi desert and waited a week then all it would have meant is mooching around picking up the crippled, ankle-less survivors without any of the current fuss.

Worst of all, some fool added a seat at the back so sometimes trollies also come with a snotty, screaming kid attached. Not only does this thing aim at shelving, make a bee-line for yer ankles and generally make shopping hell, but it also screams like a banshee too.


No. 4 - Kilroy

I hate this smug, smarmy, patronising shite with a passion. I also hate how I never quite manage to reach the remote before he has delivered his smug, smarmy, patronising daily question and pissed me right orf in the morning. Does anyone watch this...this...thing? Can anyone justify giving 'it' a daily platform to dribble out pseudo-intellectual pants to the hard of thinking in couch potato land?

I have a theory with both Trisha and Kilroy. I think it's a thinly veiled governmental conspiracy to drive all those people who over-slept, are skiving off etc. to get their arse out of the door rather than to face a day of such TV hell. You've over-slept, you were going to take the day off so just after 9 you switch on ITV and see Trisha's buck-toothed mug, you then turn over and get Kilroy's spiel...and ten minutes l
ater you're on the way to work. It must do wonders for the economy.

If this holier-than-thou abomination were struck by an express train I would I be first in the queue to buy the inevitably top selling CCTV footage of the event - on DVD for extra replay value. (there's a packet of Werther's Originals in it for anyone who can arrange this btw).


No. 5 - Forms

Forms are the demonic creation of idiots for the consumption of geniuses. There is no other way to explain the things. I swear you need a Phd in form-filling to complete some of the things and I swear you only need this Phd because the people creating them are idiots.

I have a 28 page form sat beside me(it's been there for over two weeks lol) with a 48 page accompanying booklet explaining how to complete it. If you write over the line it will be returned. If you tick a box instead of putting an X it will be returned. If you scribble something out, it will be returned. If you don't use black ink it will be returned...good fecking grief! Why? Of course, I could always access an online version and have it crash on me halfway through.

What is it with forms? Why do they ask for a client ID and then require you to fill out 20 pages of information they ALREADY have on file associated with that client ID which was the whole point of assigning you one in the first place!? Why do they demand you only write in the space provided and then make that space so small it becomes physically impossible to do so? Dare to deviate from the set structure of a form (which I find rarely ever fully applies to me anyway) and the person on the receiving end is lost. Probably because they have a computerised form to fill in which is equally as unforgiving. Ugh! I hate forms. And they're getting longer too. I bet it's something to do with Europe isn't it. Le form. Eine form. Bloody things.



(I'm having spiders too. And old people in car
s. And kids in pubs. And militant anti-everythings)


Cheers. ;o)

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