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If last week you'd have told me I've even be watching the Royal Wedding, let alone writing about it, I'd have thought you were mad and launched into a tirade about the 'Tim, Nice but Dim' couple. As a news junkie, I'd just about had my fill by (oohhh) mid-February with the build up to the wedding - both Sky News and BBC News 24 just had to get a snippet in about it every single day, no matter how mundane the subject. One of them, I can't remember which, actually broke off from a Fukushima update to show Kate Middleton walking out of a clothes shop. Which really pissed me off. That's it. The Royal Wedding is BANNED from the chrisandmark household. Until the day before, when Hollie attended a Royal Wedding party at nursery. Well, they hadn't actually been given permission to hold an official party but instead went for a Princes & Princesses party which allowed all the little ones to get involved. As soon as she knew about the party she was so excited; I'd bought her a new Disney Princess dress (and new shoes, obviously), painted her nails and even popped one of my Juicy Tubes in her bag so she could reapply her gloss. She really was the little princess when she arrived at nursery that day, and I started to feel a warming towards Will and Kate. After all, how selfish is that to deny a three year old the chance to watch a beautiful wedding (and it will probably be the most lavish she'll ever see) and get involved in history just because her mum's a grumpy cow? So I gave in, and decided that if Hollie wanted to watch the wedding then she could. The whole experience lasted from the eve of the wedding, when stuck in the house (due to Mark daring to need the car) we made flags. Oh, be under no illusion, they were crap flags. But Hollie put so much effort into them that I put them on string and hung them up anyway, along with the weeble-shaped portraits of various members of the Royal family which she'd drawn while watching the growing hysteria on Sky News. I swear, look closely and you'll see a little trickle of wee running down the leg of Jeremy Thompson as he discussed possible seating arrangements in the Abbey. I'd almost forgotten about the wedding until I unthinkingly switched the news channel straight on when I got up at 6.30am, idly wondering if today would be the day I awoke to the news of Gaddafi being blown to smithereens. Blimey, the world had turned red, white and blue! Presenters were running between guests like Usain Bolt on speed, nodding inanely at every minor anecdote - and these were just the nutters who had camped out being interviewed, as none of the hoi polloi were up at that hour! I watched in a kind of daze, eventually making my way into the dining room to chill out as the rest of the family appeared. At fourteen, Charlotte feigned indifference - although I kept seeing her sneak glances at the tele around her latest vampire book. Alice went out to play, totally oblivious and just like her mum when it comes to not quite 'getting' the whole Royal family thing. Mark went to work and David cried, so just like any other day for those two. Hollie, however, was rapt. From the minute she got up at 8am she hardly moved from the tele; I honestly thought she didn't know what to expect, and imagined she'd be disappointed at the mind-numbingly boring (for a three year old) gestures of pomp and ceremony. She knows what the Queen looks like, could maybe identify Princes' Charles and Harry in a line-up, but that's about the limit of her Royal knowledge. She soon learned though, and put my memory through it's paces with all her 'who's that?' and 'what's that cross the man's wearing?'! The guests arriving at the Abbey we all found tedious (with the possible exception of a very dapper and eccentric looking King of some faraway nation, Congo perhaps?), but when the Royals started arriving I found myself starting to enjoy it. I've always had a soft spot for Camilla; she comes across as much more down to earth than her accent would suggest, and in my opinion doesn't deserve the bad press she receives. Staunch Diana fans (like my Mum-in-Law) would disagree with that, but that's a whole other review. Sorry, I'm sidetracking. Camilla looked great, she'd been stylishly dressed and stood proudly next to Prince Charles - who in turn looked suitably regal in his military uniform. I missed the Queen arriving (although have since seen it a zillion times on Sky News), but she looked lovely. A bit grumpy, but lovely. She's starting to show her age now and looked genuinely moved on the very few occasions that a camera panned to her, it's sometimes not easy to remember that this is a family just like ours so it's natural for her to be happy on her grandson's wedding day. Not that her majesty LOOKED particularly happy, but you're allowed to be a misery at eighty-five and still working! Harry is just brilliant. I love everything about him, in fact today I ordered the set of coasters that Dooyoo themselves were promoting last week - Never Mind, You Can Always Marry Harry! He looked fabulous with thick gold braids; this is the sort of pomp I want at a Royal wedding, not Victoria Beckham's ridiculous forehead sitting hat. The groom looked fabulous too, I was surprised to see him wearing a red jacket for some reason but it was a good choice in my opinion and a move away from the darker uniforms the rest of the Royal family wore. Which is incredibly shallow I know, but these are MY thoughts on the wedding! Princess Anne I missed completely, until I You Tube'd the wedding to lip read if she really had whispered 'rags to riches' as Kate walked down the aisle. She looked, as usual, a complete mess and is proof of the pudding that money cannot buy style. Or neatness. Prince Andrew I spotted looking very tearful at one point in the ceremony, and Edward couldn't stop beaming as his daughter appeared as part of the bridal party. Kate Middleton, what can I say? She scrubs up well. She's a beautiful woman (not a girl, as the media keep saying, she's almost thirty) and looked amazing on her wedding day, as do all brides. Apart from Kerry Katona. Or Jordan. Her dress was stunning; designed by Sarah Burton (Alexander McQueen) it was absolutely amazing, making Kate look extremely attractive but demure enough for the people to take to her. An aerial shot inside the Abbey showed the dress off to amazing effect from above, the train and skirts fanned out around her and it was just a gorgeous sight. The wedding itself. Ahhh, long and religious. Not quite as long and religious as a Catholic ceremony, but enough. I watched that part (the important part) in dribs and drabs, although (again) have seen it all since thanks to re-runs and You Tube - bloody hell, heads would have rolled if that ring hadn't gone on! The camerawork inside Westminster Abbey was excellent, focussing on the couple but also giving a good impression of the scale of the building and expertly panning across the guests at various points. And yes, Elton John is a pathetic excuse for, well, anything really. Did anyone spot the two nuns sitting next to William and Kate? One was apparently a covert agent, a point the Daily Mail expertly confirmed by zero-ing in on her outdated Reebok trainers. Because nuns are obviously known for their sense of fashion in the footwear stakes. When it was all over and the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge came out of the Abbey I was gobsmacked. I didn't think the Royals had the power to 'lift' people anymore, but the emotions displayed by the public really surprised me and people seemed genuinely happy that this young couple had tied the knot. Then it was back to the presenters. This time there was definitely wee. Anna Botting was practically rocking in excitement, and who can blame her really as by the time all THAT was over with she'd probably quaffed enough champers in the posh looking journo-box. This is already too long, I feel a hypocrite as not only did I criticise the Royal Wedding on a forum but also moaned about it on my profile here. I'll finish with a few random thoughts on the big day, just daft little things that struck me as the coverage went on and on. And on. Eamon Holmes saying that Tara's new nose was very pretty. Her cocaine addled appendage actually looks like Mike Tyson has hit her in the face as hard as he could. Eamon, bless him, got more and more excited as the day went on and could hardly shut up for two minutes to let anyone else get a word in. Fearne Cotton. Brilliant on the radio, a bizarre choice to cover the wedding of the future King of England. Princess Bea with that weird hat. Or was it a fascinator? Ironically, the worst dressed Royal of the lot would have looked the best she ever has if she hadn't worn that hat. Her mother's daughter, alright! The bridal party was just lovely to watch. Who would have thought grungy Phillipa Middleton could scrub up so well? I know her as a party girl, an up-and-coming IT girl. I've seen her in mags for ages but never known her name, when I realised she was Kate's sister. Wow! My prediction for the next few years: The media will have a love affair with 'Pippa' - then she'll disgrace herself, be brought down a peg or two by the toffs and then fade into obscurity. The smaller bridesmaids and page boys were just brill; little Grace with her hands over her ears for the all-important balcony shots and Lady Louise, who I'm chuffed to bits was chosen to be a bridesmaid. The nicest thing of the day for me was when William drove Kate off in the Aston Martin, I know it's a cliche but it was sweet. The decorating had all the hallmarks of Harry and although it was just a bit of play for that overprivilidged lot, it must have absolutely made the watching crowd's day! I had to giggle at the sight of the Prince of Wales taking his car back at 9.30 the next morning, obviously not being too trusting with his pride and joy! One thing this wedding has proved to me is that deep down I do enjoy our Royal family. There's not one I can say I don't like, to be truthful I'm not particularly interested in how they live their lives on a day to day basis. I'm glad they're there, and I think the new Duchess (is she a Princess too?) will fit in nicely. She seems liked (or maybe tolerated, as a commoner) by the hierachy so maybe she'll get a smoother time of it than Fergie and Diana did. Time will tell, I suppose, but watching William and Kate on their wedding day was completely different to those old-style Royal marriages. Like Edward and Sophie, they really do love each other and you can see this in everything they do. I hope the media leave them alone, it scares me the way our news can build up a person (or relationship) and as we've seen over the years, tear it down when they decide the time is right. Diana is the obvious one, but Jade Goody and the Price/Andre marriage are both relevant examples of the power of the media. Right now Kate Middleton is loved; she's married the sad little bewildered Prince we saw walking behind his mum's coffin, he's grown up to be a brave soldier. It's a fairy tale. At the moment. We'll see, all I can say is I enjoyed the day. I got sick of it again pretty quickly as the various news channels started interviewing people with even the most tenuous links to the wedding (the muslim preacher who thought he deserved a pat on the back for not demonstrating on the day is the one that sticks in my mind). But it's over. Already the news has moved from wedded bliss to suspicious burials at sea, I don't particularly want to hear too much more about the wedding anyway as I think every angle has just about been covered. Just back off to You Tube to watch the cart-wheeling verger again! Brilliant!
~~~ANTICIPATIONS~~~ The Royal Wedding had been talked about for ages, with lots of promotions and adverts and so on. The news, internet and any media; they were all talking about it. I even got Royal Wedding spam emails... which did annoy me a bit and made me think this whole event was a bit overrated... but then the actual day came and it really was a day to remember. ~~~THE WEDDING~~~ The whole world had been waiting for this day- the wedding of Prince William to Kate Middleton, giving us this four day weekend (woo!) It was a beautiful ceremony, attended by Sir Elton John, David and Victoria Beckham, David Cameron and many other foreign leaders and royals. Westminster Abbey was so beautiful for the ceremony, the shots from above was really artistic. I loved the trees along the aisle which brought in a fresh modern take (flowers are so overrated) and the red carpet was very appropriate. Wearing Sarah Burton (Alexander McQueen), Kate Middleton looked stunning in that gown (loved the view from above of her train in a perfect circle) with laced sleeves. The exchange of vows and the actual interesting part of the ceremony was over quickly- William was rather rushed, whilst Kate spoke a little too softly, before being ushered to sit down and watch as hymns are sung and a message is spoken. During this time, William looked rather sleepy and a tad bored, whilst Kate held her composure and looked pleased. A quick shot of William from behind revealed his awfully thin head of hair which BBC quickly cut to another scene. After the ceremony, the royal procession was beautifully done with the waving far more elegant by Kate (her waving was crazy when she arrived) and she smiled sweetly all the way. William looks good with the hat on, hiding that receding hairline :) About an hour later, the newlyweds appeared on the balcony of Buckingham palace to share their first public kiss, watched by the crowds, several of which jumped into the fountain. ~~~PRODUCTION/PUBLICITY~~~ I thought it was produced really well on TV anyway, with places set up around London to host people who want to go watch it and bask in the event- it was well co-ordinated and it seems like it was a great success. The editing on the TV was also good- it was smooth and there wasn't much lag or boredom. I wasn't that keen on watching all these foreign ministers and leaders walk in, but there were a few highlights such as David and Victoria Beckham among the mass of unknowns. During the ceremony I was a bit nervous for the couple as William struggled to put the ring on Kate's finger - a bit of awkwardness there. However, the procession was beautiful and it seems like all the fans waiting for them were happy. I don't think I would've liked camping out or waiting a day or two for this quick succession but undeniably, to have witnessed this historic moment would be a once in a lifetime opportunity. ~~~FINAL THOUGHTS~~~ Congratulations to the happy couple!
With just three weeks to go until the Royal Wedding, I suppose the time has come to decide whether I've any thoughts on it. I certainly didn't have when this topic was first listed on another opinionating website as 'current issue of the month' last December. At about that time an opinion poll conducted by ComRes and published in The Independent reported that Britons were looking forward to the wedding in the following proportions: 11% were "very excited" 29% were "fairly excited" 28% were "largely indifferent" and 31% "couldn't care less" I remember noticing when they appeared that these percentages totalled 99 rather than 100, and concluded that my opinion and that of people like me must be represented by the missing 1%. It wouldn't be the first time that my views were best described as "rounding error". Back then I couldn't even summon up the mental energy to decide into which category I came closest to falling, which you might think made me a mere "don't know", but which I like to think has a rather more respectable ring to it. Definitely, "couldn't care less" overstated the degree of of interest I felt in the subject. In any case, at that stage there was still plenty of time left in which to procrastinate before making up my mind, which is always my first instinct and something I flatter myself I'm rather good at. You have to get up late in the morning if you want to beat me at procrastinating. But now, if I leave the decision much longer it'll be too late, for soon the hype surrounding the event will reach such a pitch that no one will be able to hear themselves think, and soon after that it will have been and gone, and everything looks different when viewed through the prism of hindsight. Make-up-your-mind time has arrived, and I have to report that I find myself surprised by the extent of my excitement, which is to say I'm closer to "largely indifferent" than "couldn't care less". I could care less - not a great deal less, but less - than I do. In some ways I'd even cautiously describe my attitude as positive. Such positivity has little to do with the couple themselves. I've no strong views on the couple themselves; indeed, I barely have any weak views on the couple themselves. They seem harmless enough, even pleasant in their way, but who knows? Not me, certainly; I've never met them, probably never will and have no particular desire to do so, which may be just as well since I'm sure they've no desire whatsoever to meet me. Their public personae may or may be contrived by behind-the-scenes spin doctors. Without knowing, it hardly seems worth the effort of guessing to what extent they're genuine. This doesn't mean I wish them ill. Far from it. I wish them a joyful wedding day and a Happy Ever After, just as I'd wish any young couple embarking on a life together. Indeed, let me express the same good wishes to the many thousands of other couples who are scheduled to be married in the near future. And to those intending to set up home in partnership unencumbered by the rigmarole of matrimony. If that makes those good wishes sound a bit impersonal, well, so they are. As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between the royal couple and the anonymous thousands is that I happen to know the names of the former but not the latter. As differences go, it's trivial. Until I saw the poll quoted above I would have suspected mine of being a minority view. After all, there do seem to be a very vocal set of people who are evidently excited by this wedding, and discuss it almost as if they knew the couple personally. Why they should do so is very mysterious to me, doubtless due to a blind spot in my perception and understanding of humanity. I suppose it is just another aspect of this strange business of celebrity, whereby people become obsessed with knowing all kinds of intimate details about the lives of other people whom they have never met and with whom they would appear to have no clear connection. Odd. Perhaps it is vaguely comprehensible when the object of the obsession has some outstanding talent or achievement to his or her name - though it is still hard to grasp why the interest should go beyond the talent or achievement and into their private lives - but in many cases they do not even have that. Many celebrities are famous for nothing better than being famous, which as achievements go is pretty minimal. Royalty, I fear, has to fall into that category. What have most young royals ever achieved, apart from being born to famous parents, thus acquiring fame by association? You could argue that theirs is a bit less vicious a claim to fame than having shoved, shouted and elbowed their way into the limelight as some others seem to have done, and I'd agree with that, but it's still not very admirable. Those who admire royalty often argue that being royal, and under incessant public scrutiny, is a difficult and demanding job. "I wouldn't want to do it," they tend to say. No, neither would I, but that doesn't mean that I feel any obligation to look up to those who do, let alone regard them as objects of reverence. There are lots of people whose jobs I wouldn't want to do whom I don't necessarily idolise or even respect as a result. Just because you or I wouldn't want to do a job doesn't make it necessary, or worthwhile. This is not to disparage the pleasure that some people take in following the antics of celebrities, royalty included. Not being one to begrudge anyone their enjoyment, I would be very inconsistent if I were to conclude that such pleasure is of no value just because the celebrities themselves are often of no value. Such pleasure inflicts no harm on anyone else and is therefore to be welcomed as increasing the sum total of human happiness. Similarly, the pleasure taken in royal extravaganzas by lovers of pageantry for its own sake. Personally such stuff leaves me cold to the point of frost-bitten. The last time I was truly excited by an event of this kind was the coronation back in 1953, and in those days I had the excuse of extreme youth and concomitant naivety, apart from which there was a lot less competing public entertainment on offer. These days, give me a decent play, film or sporting contest any day of the week, or every day of the week for preference. But if others want to revel in vicarious delight at pomp and ceremony, what can I reasonably say except good luck to them? Well, as a taxpayer, I suppose I could reasonably say "hold on a sec, who's paying for all this?" Presumably in this particular case the tradition of the bride's parents stumping up will not apply, whilst if the cost is being met from the royal coffers that's only another way of saying it's being met from the public purse. Of course, quite conceivably the event will end up making a profit through sales of TV rights and the like, but if there is to be a net cost to the taxpayer, I think we should at least be told. Putting such miserly thoughts to one side, the other reason for feeling positive about the occasion is that it's been declared a Public Holiday, and lots of people are planning celebrations in the form of street parties and so forth. Holidays and celebrations are always to be welcomed, whatever the pretext, and I sincerely hope everyone has a great time. But one does wonder - or at least I do - whether we really need the pretext of a royal wedding to holiday and celebrate. If holidays are such a great idea, why not have an extra Spring Bank Holiday every year, rather than just as a one-off for which a pretext has to be invented? Enough. This subject isn't serious, though I seem to have been lulled into treating it as if it were, which is always a mistake. When I recently wrote a review in verse on that other website alluded to above, one commenter was kind (or flippant, or sarcastic) enough to suggest that I might be a candidate for Poet Laureate. The position is not without its appealing aspects - I understand that an allowance of wine is among the rewards - but they come with a most scary string attached, namely, that the PL is expected to pen a poem for every significant royal occasion. With this in mind, and safe in the knowledge that I am never likely to find myself in the role for real, I tried to imagine how I might tackle the task in this instance. First, I toyed with a limerick impertinently touching on the awkward question of where the money was to be found to pay for the pageantry, as discussed above: There was a young princeling called Wills, Who gave every royalist thrills When he opted to mate With a woman named Kate, But guess who'll be footing the bills. Somehow, it didn't sound quite Laureatey enough. So I tried a clerihew instead: To Prince William congrats; Now it's time for some brats, For if he doesn't marry And breed, we might end up with King Harry. Still it didn't seem quite the ticket, so I fell back on my usual trick of churning out some iambic tets, which I long ago learned from Roald Dahl provide the handiest form for less-than-serious verse: Up soon is Royal Wedding Day - Prince William and his fiancée Are due to walk the well-trod way To altar, where they'll doubtless say Such stuff as "honour and obey". "Why should I care?" shrug the blasé. In fact the answer's clear as day: 'Cos it's a public holiday. In that case, fair enough, okay To that I'll gladly shout hooray And raise a glass of Beaujolais, Or Krug or Laurent-Perrier, Or even, at a pinch, Chimay... ...Some booze or other, anyway. So Cheers, Prost, Sláinte, or Santé To all on Royal Wedding Day. © Also published under the name torr on Ciao UK 2011
There is no doubt David Beckham has picked up the torch from Princess Diana for team England, all but in a bikini with his round number seven stuck on his curvaceous hip as he is pimped out around the world to try and win the big sporting events. With his shy smile and that familiar tilt of the head like Diana used to do, just with the flicker of his eye lashes can make important peoples legs go to jelly. And oh how we needed Diana in Geneva for the world cup draw, her son Prince William still a fish out of water when it comes to football, very much one for the rugger bugger crowd. But not even the combined force of Beck's, Cameron and a newly engaged Prince William was going to stop 22 grubby FIFA grandees getting their hands on those suitcases full of oil money, vodka and the prostitute perk (allegedly). Unlike Panorama, the Russia and Qatari media wont be a problem, journalist that investigate crooks and mobsters out there ending up in little pieces in that suitcase with the prostitutes! Once FIFA have cut their stadium and infrastructure builds in Russian and Qatar they will be richer than the Queen. But the Royals play that game to and William has lots to learn after his first big gig as 'royal muscle' to bring home the deal bombed. He and Cameron were deliberately humiliated in Geneva and it was all rather grubby. But is we call Russia crooks we are no better, the more subtle approach of British manners and the Royal Family as 'trade delegates' our cloak of disguise to subtle that corruption, the oil and gas wars in Iraq and Afghanistan testament enough to how far we will go to get what we need. Prince Andrew, who doesn't seem to be too worried about remarrying, is currently in Kazakhstan, a disgusting regime, working as a middle-man for the British government to secure BP and the like a share in the energy resources out there on the wild frontier, completing the Afghanistan pipeline route the world has been waiting for to bypass Russian stopcocks. This is the sort of thing William will have to get used to as the Royal Family have always been part of that real politick 'diplomacy'. Did you know that when they decommissioned the Royal Yacht Britannia they found over 100 listening devices dating right back to the war hidden in the fabric of the boats interior. Anyhow, 'Waity Katy' has got her man and her gum chewing mum has skilfully elevated her pretty and svelte daughter to the top of the social ladder, no mean feat for an ex-airhostess. Kate isn't exactly the modern woman and has remained mostly unemployed and thin since she met prince and mostly responsible for that 18% gender pay gap. In many ways she is 'austerity girl', the growing trend in the middle-classes to only educate their boys and marry off their girls to rich suitors, all very Jane Eyre. There's no doubt William was a handsome young man back in the day and the girls did indeed scream like they do for 'One Direction', the boy band from the X Factor, but the penalty spot is getting bigger (the media have been instructed to film his head from certain angles not to show the bald patch) and its now or never to get the best value out of him from the full state wedding. Prince Charles cut a rather pathetic figure in his 30-year-old Roller when he wound down the window to wave at the student rioters who, rather meanly, prodded his misses with a big stick, like the posh students where by the lower-class cops, Monty Python style. Its time for change and William and Kate is that change. I'm not a sad royalist but I am 100% in favour of that big day for the country as the only purpose of this marriage is clearly positive publicity for the family and so why pretend? William is probably not in love with Kate, and vice versa, but suited to Kate and this is effectively an Asian style arranged marriage scenario where the men must be wed by their 30th birthday or they bring shame on the family. William can't marry the type of bird he really wants to (and Edward the boy or girl he wants to) and poor old Prince Andrew had to give up licking ice cream off soft porn star Koo Stark's tummy to marry that drip Fergie. William is marrying Kate so he doesn't have to suffer a Fergie from the royal book of brides if you ask me. At least he doesn't have to go war now like right win Harry. The last thing we want is another one of our royal princes uniting all of our current enemies by calling them the 'P' word! I cant believe he got away with that. The wedding is also an establishment occasion and the Tory Head Office will have been in touch with the Clarence House diary on prospective dates for the big day. The biggest royal weddings are normally during Tory reigns and great for rallying the blue rinse brigade. It's no coincidence that the April 29th date next year is less than one week before the local elections and the European referendum. These weddings also firm up the royal image and so threshen up the throne with youth and so boost the Queen in the Commonwealth. The Queen is patron saint for half the world and the Commonwealth revenue paid to GB exceeded £250 billion alone just last year. We want them to keep paying on time and if we no longer have an aircraft carrier to keep them in-line at least we have Wills and Kate to keep them waving those cute little Union Jacks. Whereas Harry has been a bad boy, Kate Middleton, on the other hand, has been very well behaved and said little to the press and clearly being advised by the royal household for along time now so to get the job. She had the Diana paparazzi intrusion early on and thankfully the press backed off when asked but she is open season now and will no longer be able to hide, and whether William likes it or not he is destined to marry a subservient wife, the bit Diana didn't understand in the vows. And let's not have any of that commoner nonsense as Kate went to a good public school and accompanying university and so no shop girl. The choreographed engagement shots of William showing his mums ring on Kate's finger and Kate in a deep blue dress was very similar to the Charles and Diana shot, of course, where he made that memorable and somewhat revealing comment; 'what ever love is', to the press when asked the loaded question whether he was actually in love with this drippy Sloane Ranger, which he clearly wasn't. We have also seen trendy photos of the couple taken by Mario Testino, Diana's favourite photographer. The Royal household are spinning away here more than Peter Mandelson ever did to build the dream. Like all little girl I just think Kate is in love with the idea of being a princess rather than actually loving the guy, the feeling reciprocated. This is why there is a 100% divorce rate in the Royal Family since the war. The right reverent Pete Broadbent comment that they would divorce after seven years was optimistic. I give them four. But a big day in April off work will mean a long weekend around the pub and the golf course for the men and the girls a tear in front of the telly, and that can't be a bad thing. They say the wedding will bring an extra billion in tourism and souvenirs, news reaching us today that William has said he doesn't mind being printed on the commemorative tea towels - not that he actually knows what one of those are. The grumpies amongst us say the economy will lose more than it takes through tourism from lost work days, not clever in these times of austerity, two split opinions you would expect from good old Blighty. TO THE QUEEN!
WikiLeaks Cable: US embassy cables: Prince Charles 'does not command same respect as Queen' says Commonwealth mandarin - (Evidently because Prince Charles is not the Queen of the Commonwealth, although what he does on his day orf - I shudder at the thought) Public Engagement Date: 16 November 2010 Wedding Date: 29 April 2011 and Bank Holiday for all commoners, including Kate Middleton, which is no different to normal. Candid impression of the Royal Engagement of William and Kate. It is hard to believe that when you are fortunate enough to fly into a British monarch's palace - other flies sound alarmingly posh, even their buzz's are polished and lack that high tinny tone - I guess it's because the Royal's spend so much time around our friends 'the horses' and it rubs off - The horsefly has an incredibly posh buzz compared to the rest of us (that's me) I assume it is duly because the Royal's spend so much time outside gossiping 'much ado about nothing' and starting each sentence with a posh guffaw noise. It's so bad the horseflies are now copying the monarchy believing it is the way one must speak, don't you know. On the 16 November 2010, it felt like my birthday, not that flies have an annual day of birth, that'll be silly. It was a wondrous day watching the hive of activity a thousand times over in many angles (that's the beauty of having so many eyes) in the corridors of Royalty; I didn't miss a thing. Prince William and his not so horsy (now fiancée) Kate Middleton announced that they were to be married next year. Oh I buzzed with excitement; I clapped by wings like a performing sea lion. I even delved into Prince Phillip's denture glass for a stiff bathe in some Glenfiddich, it took me six attempts to clear the rim of the tumbler afterwards, having just realised the time and wanting to get front seats for the much awaited Tom Bradby interview, special guests, William and Kate. No time for a spontaneous dive bomb into a Royal Victoria sponge; which works in the same manner as a memory mattress, except you can vomit on it and then eat it. There was no time to delay, I hadn't an inkling where the interview was taking place, so I pricked up my ears (you didn't know flies had ears did you?) and tuned in for my favourite scent of horses, I was at the interview in no time. William always strokes a horse whenever it's a big day, and this day was no exception. He must've slept with a horse the scent was so strong. I hope history wasn't repeating itself as my ancestor also smelt a strong horse scent in 1981 when Prince Charles was engaged to non horsy Princess Diana; although she did smell of horse after she met James Hewitt on more occasions than my ancestors care to remember. I perched on William's knee-cap and stared up his slightly flared nostrils; true Windsor through and through. Engagement interview: Nerves jiggle jangle, come what nearly May Tom Bradby, unlike Nicholas Witchell the ex Royal correspondent actually resembles a Windsor Royal himself; his shiny forehead, smooth vocal tones and probing Martin Bashir directness, yet with a smidgeon of coy politeness, made the occasion decidedly banal. Cramp due to boredom descended after two minutes which in-turn prompted the runs, and on camera I sat screwing up my face and I wiki-leaked one out. Years ago I would have been shot if I'd done that but the modern Royal's are so laid back, I could be four times bigger, and smelling of horse manure, they wouldn't notice. The fact the ring was in William's stinking rucksack for three whole weeks was not news to me as I'd had millions of texts from American cousins who adore the Royals, and couldn't wait to tell me the news - they don't need press passes - 'they're really in yer face!' - Bradby started to move in closer at any critical questioning especially that infamous question on whether William loved Kate or perhaps I should say; Catherine? Unlike his Father Prince Charles, who claimed whatever love means? For a minuscule moment William thought about it then happily smiled at Kate who gazed back lovingly, as an impending dutiful wife should. The same way I would stare at a day old carcass of a chicken; true love. A tear-jerking moment came when William announced with glee on air he always set alight a dish he was preparing while at St Andrew's University, it brought back a sad story of my many great Uncle's demise. His newly preen wings had been singed by the flames whilst in flight; sadly he dived bombed into a pot of boiling rice. Apparently the guffawing, drunken students proclaimed it was the best vegetarian curry William had ever made. My late and many great Aunt wept when she relayed the news to my ancestors: She cried; "It wasn't a vegetarian dish, it was full of meaty fly protein; even the vegetarians were eating it, they wouldn't know protein if it hit them in their face?" And on that note, she dive bombed a pretentious waver thin veggie student. After five minutes embedded into her eye-ball, she was washed up in her tear duct; the veggie had conjunctivitis for a week. Aunt would've been proud. Kate however was practicing pronouncing her vows in her dormitory at the time. It certainly wasn't part of her course work, nor was flirty 'heir flicks' and appearing mysterious to a randy young Prince who evidently got hot under the collar about University fashion show lingerie attire. Where our mysterious serene Kate gave a sneak preview of what the hapless William was in for, whilst parading like a starved student - leaving not much to the Royal imagination, not that William had one in the first place. His wit however is now worldly known having just sprouted his dunce witticism to an audience at England's World Cup 2018 bid. One royal aid was heard snorting and guffawing at the front, when Wills announced: "Oh I know how to do parties; I've got one big one to prepare next year." The eerie echo of the horsy snort from the Royal aid surely must've been a big indication what Kate Middleton role is to be, that is - filling in uncomfortable silences with a polite chuckle and smile for eternity. What is it with Will's and the word; 'giggle?' He mentions the word 'giggle' on several occasions during Tom's interview; the word really should be left at the back of vomit smelling classrooms when you are eight years of age. At that moment I spontaneously WikiLeaked again on his knee, flies don't have bladder muscles you see, we have no decorum when it comes to excreting bodily fluids either through head or derriere. Crouching on Will's bony knee for some length of time was quite a mean feat. I could've chosen the comfortable handcrafted regal cushions that were beside them, or I could've rested on the wilting hammock leaves of the Spider plant; although it did give me the jitters. Of course, I got many camera shots of Wills nasal hairs and even got a shot of Kate's upper-lip which appears invisible to the naked human eye, so I've heard through the grape vine. Many of my ancestors have spoken with delight of grand sporting events on the Windsor's inherited baldness. Will's currently does cater for a decent a game of Rounders, before any hair follicles get in the way, as his Uncle Edward's caters for World Series Baseball, although the pitch tends to be a bit saggy in places. Mario Testino the expensive Royal Photographer will have his work cut out if Will's and his Royal Aids prefer images of a Prince with a full-on mullet - Bruce Willis style airbrushing will be adopted just for the event in April. Royal Engagement portraits cropped at the crown. Also known as; 'Waity Katy' - I assume waiting for a job, a job in which she is groomed for, for 'Queen and Country' literary; well she's got nothing else on in the pipeline. Her conception profoundly was on a British Airways flight; our conceptions remarkably similar, 'fly by night' shenanigans. Kate has an inner mildness that'll bore the pants off any red-blooded 'fly by night;' once you've got over her serene gaze and effortless poise, there is no much else on offer. No signs of a fruity Diana who endorsed a shy, yet flirty masquerade that made her adorable to the British public. Instead we've a wooden Kate, whose bolted door will never be opened, to the likes of a Horsy Hewitt. Obviously, she allures to Will's goofy romantic gestures, the main one being the proposal. "Being a natural romantic, I did it extremely well." said Wills, while petting his Peacock's feathers. After much discussion about it over the years, it hardly was a surprise for Kate whose royal grooming prior the engagement would've been a huge giveaway. Body language experts even would've handed out tips to how the couple should sit. The sitting posture fiasco was complete pre-empted, and it was important for the couple to enforce a unity with evident compassion for one another, in keeping with the new age monarchy. The adventure of new beginnings and what her grandiose role will be, therefore you can relate to Prince William's 'time was the essence quip.' "To give her a chance to back out" - Meet the extra-ordinary Granny, and build-up alliances to help her through what will inevitably be an incredulous toil, lumbered with a huge 'liberty' price tag of 'Public Ownership.' An unsteady road, littered with spurned figure-heads having to pick themselves up from mental and financial ruin. Gambling on intimate glue called 'love,' notably scandal resistant. Every girl once believed in fairy-tales once, many of them still do into adult-hood; the ones that do, pay a mammoth price, and more often than not end up in solitude and have to deal with inner turmoil or worse still fake sheiks. All that suffocating lifestyle, helped on by a madness family trait that runs down the royal blue blood-line. On the surface Prince William's boyish charms appear genuine although I didn't like the way he ostracized Kate at Diana's ten year memorial event in 2007. She was hurting. A blue-bottle informed one of my distant ancestors. Yet Willy was bumping and grinding with no cares, to monster hit 'Maneater,' In Kate's peripheral view. TV cameras' were on her like flies on a road-kill as she defiantly steamed at the mincing Prince. It was edited out later on. However, long the Tom Bradby interview was, it somehow aged me. I had bags under my eyes; not good if you have thousands of them. Twenty minutes is a long time in fly terms. What is going to emulate from such a grandeur event like a Royal Wedding is the amount of mawkish material that'll hit the news-reels. Untruths, scandal, banality, and stuff that I already know about may flood the news channels. A lot of it witnessed and observed from the tops of closets and computer monitors. Presents from Russian's would deem unsavory to a Prince who evidently accepted the gestures - Instead our very own buffoon London Mayor Boris Johnson has now retracted the offer of front seats to any Russians who want to see the 2012 Olympics. Ah yes, patriotism beyond the call of duty; William, take note. However long the Tom Bradby interview was, it somehow aged me; it didn't help having Prince Willy's nervous finger tapping on each other resembling walking on hot coals. After which I had bags under my eyes; not good if you have thousands of them. What is going to emulate from such a grandeur event like a Royal Wedding is the amount of mawkish material that'll hit the news-reels. Untruths, scandal, banality, will inevitably flood the news channels. A lot of it witnessed and observed from the tops of closets and computer monitors. Presents from Russian's would deem unsavory to a Prince who evidently accepted the gestures - Instead our very own buffoon London Mayor Boris Johnson has now retracted the offer of front seats to any Russian who want to see the 2012 Olympics. Ah yes, patriotism beyond the call of duty; William, take note. Royals seek common folk to dilute madness gene For me bewilderment sets in, on why royalty are so anxious to sell their 'salt of the earth' credentials to an apathetic public. It's impossible to achieve commoner's status, due to the obvious fact, they are royal. And then they announce a public holiday to all common folk on the actual wedding day to plough home the fact they are royal and everyone should join in the festivities in London; paid for by the taxpayer. No figures have been totted up on security costing although the estimate will supersede the Queen's donation of 8 Million out of her 325 Million worth; equivalent of a commoner to throw in twenty quid into the bar bill. 600,000 pounds will be made out of plastic effigies of the couple, Union Jacks and the plethora of royal tat on sale. The biggest concern is the 6 Billion losses of UK earnings, by having a day orf, based on the dreadful Fiscal status the UK government claim it is apparently in. Especially as the severity of the austerity cuts are hitting common folk all guns blazing; flies included. On that premise, commoners and flies should rise-up and stay away from London on that day, and work as normal, or in a fly's case search out the nearest dung shed. The wedding will be digitally streamed on hundreds of channels for six weeks thereafter. Royalists wouldn't miss a thing. Meanwhile I'll buzz off and find more fascinating chores to do, such as licking mould off a window pane. Thank you for reading this article. copyright - 12 - 2010 - 1st2thebar