Don't do it - even when life sucks. (Suicide in General)

Member Name: goosey

Product:	Suicide in General
Date:	19/10/09 (157 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: none whatsoever

Disadvantages: Miss out on so much joy that might have been

This is not the sort of review that makes for comfortable reading, nor one I feel particullarlly comfortable writing; but if it dissuades one person from taking that final step, it will be worth it.

No one can be a hundred percent certain that they would never contemplate suicide or encounter such a harrowing event within their own family or circle of friends.

I hope to be able to open up the subject and metaphorically expose both sides of the fence so they can be viewed in equal measure; but will make it clear from the start I do not condone suicide, nor condemn those who have attempted it.

++++THOSE WHO ARE LEFT BEHIND++++

I had never heard a grown man sobbing so bitterly or uncontrollably, until my brother phoned me one morning, two years ago.
Between heartrending sobs he managed two words; "David's dead." It was several minutes before he could continue and explain how, why, when and where.

David was his 28 year old son, who had just hanged himself that morning. He was an incredibly popular chap. The church, bursting at the seams with his stunned friends on the day of his funeral, lay testiment to that, and also, that those very same friends organised a concert, with David's favourite band playing, to celebrate his memory. The proceeds of which, they bought a beautiful headstone and put the remainder of the money in a trust fund for his son. On the aniversary of his death, they all gathered at his graveside, each with a glass of Champers, to celebrate his memory again. This is one anomoly that made it so difficult to understand why he had not confided his troubles in at least one of them.

At the funeral service, his distraught mother whispered loudly, over and over and over again, "No! - Why - why David -why?" Repeating the same question again, even more loudly and nearing the point of hysteria, at the graveside. Of course we shall never know the answer, and can only think that it was a knee-jerk reaction to an argument between himself and his ex-wife. A brain storm, where without thinking or planning, took his own life because at that moment in time, could not see a way past the pain he was experiencing.

The awful macabre thing about this was, that the disagreement over some issue, took place during their conversation on the phone, moments before he took his own life and the very last words to her were, "Will you be coming to the funeral then?"
Rarely will a potential suicide tell someone they are thinking of taking their own life. Was it pride because he had made the threat and had to follow it through, that made him go ahead? No one will ever know.

Not only did he leave his ex with that unanswerable question on her mind and those agonising thoughts of "If only....and what if...?"
He also left a 6 year old son, who adored his father, and who unfortunately discovered the true circumstances of his dad's death from his school mates, a few weeks later.

Imagine also the trauma suffered by the friend who found him.

I know for certain that David would never have knowingly or deliberately inflicted that sort of pain on a living soul, let alone his own kith and kin, and yet in a moment of 'madness,' when his emotions were out of sync with reality, and his rational had deserted him; he did just that; inflicted an unbearable pain on all who knew and loved him. That same degree of pain he could not bear himself.

-------THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO SHORTEN THEIR NATURAL LIVES-----

I do not include in this review, assisted suicides for the terminally ill, that is a different issue altogether and not one within my experience.

Fortunately, not all suicide attempts are successful and I am sure, in my own mind, that if those successful attempts had, by some miracle, failed. Each survivor would have eventually become eternally grateful and perhaps be leading happy, meaningful lives.

I have come to believe now, that a person making a serious attempt at ending their life, does not in fact want to end the life, per sae, but are desperate to end the utter misery, pain and unremitting suffering. They want to sleep and wake up again free from everything that makes life as interesting as a cardboard breakfast or an everlasting holiday in Hades, but there seems to be only one way of achieving that impossible dream.

Would a doctor friend, who threw herself off a tower, be enjoying retirement now; or the policeman who hung himself, be playing with the grandchildren he never lived to see; or the young animal technician, who gave herself a lethal injection, be happily married with children and grandchildren of her own? Each of them had left their families lives in shreds. Each of them had everything to live for, yet they could no longer cope. They had lost all belief in themselves as useful members of society. They had allowed those, oh so dangerous, negative thoughts of release, lure them to their deaths.

~~~~THE SKELETON IN MY CUPBOARD~~~

I ashamedly admit to making a serious attempt to end my life, many decades ago. Had someone not been in the right place at the right time, or without lengthy psychiatric treatments, plus the invaluable support from friends and family, I would not be writing this today.

Burning candles at both ends AND in the middle; and neglecting to eat regular, nutritional meals, certainly hampered my abiltity to cope when life threw enormous lemons at me - we all get them, I know.

At the time, I did not want to live; or so I thought, but really, I did not want to live the life I was living. It was like being trapped in a bubble, where all outside were getting on with their lives, yet I was stuck. Things that I normally found funny, did not amuse. My mind had ceased to function. It was like being awake, but unable to communicate.

Because I felt I could no longer function as a useful person in society, and because I no longer liked the miserable git I had become, it wasn't difficult to convince myself that no one else could possibly like the person I had become either, and therefore the world would be a better place without me - no one would miss me - I certainly wouldn't miss anyone like myself, so why should anyone else... so on and so forth.

I was not in control of my life and I knew it. I had no idea how to regain that control; it was terrifying. I had allowed the thoughts of suicide to linger and eat away at what vestiges I had of hope for any future happiness and love of life. I had allowed negativity to enter my mind and gave it carte blanche to meddle with my thoughts to the point of destruction.

Fortunately, not everyone who experiences the same emotional pains will contemplate suicide.

Had I known the awful horror and pain that such a deed would inflict on my family and friends, I may just have thought less about ending my pain and more about not inflicting greater pain on those I would be leaving behind.

Suicide, to me has now become strangely synonymous with cowardly selfishness.
Had someone told me, that in time and with proper nutrition, sleep and treament, I would regain control of my life and revert to my former self; I would have sought help much sooner, but then I was so naive, I didn't know such help existed. Reassurance would have been invaluable.

It is over 30 years ago now that I recovered, never to look or slip back. The only medication ever taken since then is the occasional paracetamol for colds. I consider myself so very lucky to have been given a second crack at making life enjoyable again. It was a lengthy, sometimes painful, but worthwhile process. I am a much stronger, wiser person than my former self. I know how to keep my physical and thereby mental health in good trim.

All credit has to go to the medical teams, my family and friends.

Life is such a precious gift; we have no right to destroy it, even when it's raining lemons. The power of positive thinking helps enormously.

Summary: We have no right to destroy lives - except perhaps those of wasps flies and fleas.