£1.99: The Price of Dignity (Surviving a crisis)

Member Name: bondgirlk8

Product:	Surviving a crisis
Date:	05/11/08 (477 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Character building

Disadvantages: Potentially devastating, humiliating, painful and a bit chilly

I decided to write this review both of my mini-crisis in general, and in celebration of the ultimate survival item for this particular mini-crisis: the humble safety pin, having become acutely aware of its benefits during the horrible events of today.

This morning I arrived at work armed with my mobile phone charger with which I intended to make full use of electricity for which I do not foot the bill (well, you have to do what you can in times like these don't you?)

Now, the plug sockets in my office are built into the floor and concealed under a 'flap' of floor, a mini-trap door type affair. Thus, to plug in anything, there is the obvious requirement to squat. And squat I did, just as I have on countless other occasions to no ill effect.

Today, this was not the case. Today the unthinkable happened. Today, as I dropped into my squat, I was greeted with the dreaded sound: RIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP. To my horror this was accompanied with the simultaneous rush-of-air-to-the-jacksie sensation that could mean only one thing...my trousers had split. Massively. Right along the bum crack. To add insult, they had chosen 8:45am at the start of the working day to do so.

My heart stopped. I didn't know what to do. Luckily my only other colleague in the office at the time was on the phone so hadn't heard the noise. So far I had got away with it. But how long could that last when I was, quite clearly, gaping?

By some miracle, I managed to sidle my way (between my colleague on one side and a floor to ceiling window on the other) back to my desk to hide in the relative safety of my cubicle screens and panic. I had a little rummage in my desk, already knowing in my heart that the answer did not lie in there. I couldn't fix the situation with the meagre supplies I could find which basically amounted to Sellotape with very limited ability to stick anything to anything, a couple of gone-hard elastic bands and glob of hairy Blu-Tack.

More colleagues were arriving by now and panic really was starting to set in. The awful prospect of having to own up was starting to become a distinct possibility. On one hand, someone might be able to help. On the other however, this was not very likely and would only result in the eventual associated humiliation being all the greater. How I managed to greet and smile at the new arrivals without betraying the horrible urge to cry and run away I never know. I did know that the longer I left it, the worse it would be.

I hatched a fairly crap plan of pretending to be hot and tying my jumper round my waist. Apart from the fact I am notoriously 'The Cold One' and given that this was the day after the October snow fall, this was clearly a lie. I then announced I was heading to Superdrug as I needed drugs badly and found that my work supply had become depleted. This was less of a lie as panic was actually causing a head-ache to form and my work drug supply which is famed in my office was (a bit) low. Unfortunately, everyone else had chosen that day to have a supply of their own which they proceeded to kindly offer me in return for the vast quantity of painkillers I had supplied to them in my time as their co-worker. I muttered something lame about needed something 'specialist' and ran for it.

I was free!

The feeling the cold late October air circulating where it never should put just a small damper on the euphoric feeling of escape.

I arrived in Superdrug just seconds later to make my 'specialist' purchase:

PRODUCT: A box of 50 Superdrug own-brand assorted safety pins.
SIZE: Three sizes of approx 3cm, 4cm and 5cm long
PRICE: A very reasonable £1.99. I'd have paid lots more for just a handful of pins under today's circumstances.

My shiny box and I then made the short, chilly journey back to work where I ducked quickly into the ladies to rectify the problem as best I could. I cunningly chose to carry out the process in a foreign toilet on a random floor where the chances of being busted at the last minute were reduced.

METHOD

To produce effective results, the trousers must first be entirely removed - to attempt the procedure whilst wearing the trousers may cause pricking of the legs whilst trying to attach them, and is also likely to produce a more obvious result due to the uneven bunching of the fabric.

The trousers should then be turned inside out so that anything you do will all remain concealed on the inside when you turn them back the right way.

The pins are then attached in a way which replicates sewing, as this way the pin can go in and out the fabric several times and therefore substituting for perhaps 4 or 5 'stiches'. This means putting the pin through both pieces of fabric (i.e. the piece either side of the split) and running it along the length of the seam which is being repaired. The 'stitches' are then where the seam should be.

NUMBER OF PINS REQUIRED:

My split was probably about 12cm long, and I used 7 pins to repair the split. These were made up of 4 small and 3 medium sized pins - I was loathe to use the large ones as they were quite big and I was worried about there possibly being visible lumps in the trousers (that can never be good) and was also aware that the location of the tear meant I'd be sitting on the things all day - the smaller, the better.

I didn't need 7. 3 would have been easily been enough to obtain closure. The rest were in place simply to ease paranoia and begin to rebuild my broken confidence in my make-shift trousers.

RESULTS PRODUCED:

Surprisingly effective.

I closely analysed the results in the mirror from all angles I could contort myself into and tried a few tentative squats and leg raises (to simulate stairs and the like) before I dared to leave the sanctuary of the 7th floor ladies. It held together during testing, and was only obvious if you really, really looked. I'm under no illusion that anyone is in the least bit interested in having a good old stare at my back-crack so felt reassured by this. If this were to happen, it would look as if I'd repaired the trousers at some time in the past with a needle and thread - it didn't betray the mangled web of metal hidden within at any rate.

My make-shift effort remained in place for the entire working day and did not require re-pinning or for any adjustments to be made.

It was not commented on (believe me, if it had been noticed at all my colleagues would definitely have commented) hence allowing me to get away with this heinous incident.

TIME TAKEN:

The result took approximately 5 minutes to create, plus approximately 5 more for scrutiny and testing once the garment was tried on.

COMFORT:

Although not painful, the discomfort levels did grow through the day. The resulting imprint is still visible at the time of writing. My job is very desk based and the positioning of the split meant that the majority of my weight was focused completely on the area of pins resulting in a dull aching sensation - the price I pay for having denied my colleagues the right of hurling the torrent of gleeful abuse that would have rightly come my way had I admitted my faux pax.

LESSON LEARNT:

Never, ever, EVER go anywhere without a stash of safety pins. Keep a few in every bag you own. Keep a stash in your drawer at work. You never know when you might need them and they are infinitely more useful than the hairy glob of Blu-Tack.

ADDITIONAL USES:
Safety pins of course do have other uses rather than just dignity preservation. The only one I have real personal experience is in using them to attach my race number to my running kit for events. In this respect, also, I've never had the safety pin let me down.

They are also useful in first aid for securing bandages, in sewing and textiles for securing fabrics, and for making sure nappies remain on littlies. They rose to fame in the 70s when they were adopted by the Punk movement, and still have their place in fashion today. They are ideal for picking out the dirt from otherwise impossible to reach mucky places, or can be fastened together opening up the possibility for building all kinds of metal pin-based structures.


ADDITIONAL BENEFITS:

If you carry them, you won't need them. They are therefore very effective at preventing, as well as rectifying the problems caused by, horrible embarrassing incidents.

Can be used time and time again. If you look after your pins, they'll look after you forever....not bad, £1.99 for lifelong dignity.

Thank you for reading

© BondgirlK8 October 2008

Summary: Never, ever, EVER go anywhere without a stash of safety pins.