Many families from a Broken One. (The family unit)

Member Name: English Lady

Product:	The family unit
Date:	30/11/04 (75 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: family

Disadvantages: pain of watching my parents come apart.

When I was young everyone had a mum and a dad, I don’t remember being aware of anyone in a single parent home till I got to secondary and then I only knew of a small number. As a teenager I could never see my parents splitting up. They were so very happy in their marriage. They smiled and laughed together often, my sister and I would walk in on them kissing quite regularly and they seemed to like being together. I don’t ever remember them arguing and I can only ever remember a few instances of them talking and then seeing mum with tears in her eyes.

It wasn’t until myself and my sister had grown up that we began to see the cracks. When I was 20 and my sister 16 my mum enrolled in the local college to do a course in alternative therapies (aromatherapy and massage). My mum is a young mother, She was only 19 years old when she gave birth to me, My dad is 5 years older than mum, they met at a night club that mum had sneaked into and had a whirlwind romance. Anyhow Mum enrolled in college and Dad wasn’t happy. He did not want his wife massaging other men. My mum is stubborn and would not give up her course, instead she got Dad to enrol in a course of his own (book-keeping) which unfortunately at the end of the year he did not pass. This resulted in more resentment as my mum continued to take another year of her course.

At the same time my mum got into showing her “classic” car (an orange Y reg Vauxhall Astra) and through these car shows she got friendly with a gentleman. Until this day I do not know if there was anything but a platonic friendship there but Dad had his suspicions and mum refusing to not see this guy added more fuel to the fire.

At this time I had just met the man who would be my husband and very soon left home to live with him, leaving my younger sister at home. She would tell me often that she had walked in on mum and dad arguing and the short time they were in the house together they would barely talk to one another. I would see this when I visited. My Dad is a bright and sociable man, kind and thoughtful and not one to say a bad word against anyone. He would be sullen and grumpy when my mum was in the house and when she wasn’t he often bitched about her to me and my sister. Mum was the same, she’d gone from a happy smiley young woman to a snappy and morose young grandma.

Actually she did become a grandma, in 2001 I gave birth to my Daughter Bethanny Ann Willow. A few months before I had had a phone call from my father telling me he was divorcing mum. A few weeks later I saw mum and she said they were going to give it another go for the sake of my unborn baby. I could see she wasn’t happy with it but she did not want to divorce dad. She is a very devoted Christian lady and she believes marriage is for life no matter what. To be honest part of me wishes they had split then.

I guess I haven’t mentioned much of my feelings yet. I was aware at this point that they were unhappy but it wasn’t really effecting me as I lived an hours train journey away and only really saw it when I was home for visits. I did feel guilty for leaving my sister to deal with things on her own. She is a very strong character but is also very sensitive. I could tell the bad air at home was effecting her badly but couldn’t see anything that I could do but listen to her.

It was the 10th October 2002 when I found out my dad had been having an affair and he was moving out of the family home. My 24th birthday was when I found out. My sister informed me over the phone that dad was ringing to tell me. He had told mum a week previous but she wanted to keep him at home till after my birthday. They both rowed so much though that dad could take it no more and was moving out to live with his brother.

I took it all in my stride, the phone call and face to face meeting with dad was ok, I had my common sense hat on, telling him I’d expected it and that it was for the best. I didn’t cope so well when mum broke down into tears on me but I still I did my best being strong for her and my sister. I told everyone I was ok, reasoned with myself and my husband that it was for the best and everything would be fine.

I didn’t really feel like that. I wouldn’t let myself accept it but I was angry at my parents for ruining my perfect family life. I was upset that two people I loved and who had loved each other so much had some how fallen out of love and got to this. I was furious with my mother for driving Dad away with her bitching and her flirting and her new life as a masseuse/beauty therapist. I was seriously beginning to doubt my own love for my husband. If my mum and Dad, THE perfect couple could break up then what hope did I have?

All this piled up on me and in the end I went to my doctors. I was prescribed some low dose anti-depressants and I began to get myself back together. I argued with mum a lot in the early months of the break up. She was so bitter towards Dad and would say the most awful things about him to my sister and I. This all got cleared up after some shouting and crying and really getting deep down into our emotions.

I really wanted to hate the other woman. The woman who took my dad away form mum but I couldn’t. She was (and is) the most sweet ,easy going and kind lady I know. She’s a little younger than mum and far more easy going than her but I can see other similar personality traits between the two. Dad’s new girlfriend Debbie has a 17 year old Daughter and a 16 year old Son whom I get on with ok now. I think it was all a bit embarrassing when we first met up but my daughter, bless her soul ,was a very good icebreaker. She took to them all immediately.

The divorce procedure made things worse. Solicitors are evil as far as I am concerned. They took a very simple and amicable split and turned it into a blood bath of greed trying to get my Dad and my mum to argue for every last damn penny. I knew neither of them wanted to but they were convinced by the silver tongues of the crafty ejits who were conducting the divorce. The divorce became final around Christmas last year.
Mum and Dad are much happier now in their new lives. Mum is now in a relationship with the friend she refused to stop seeing and Dad and Debbie are still together and planning to marry in the near future.

I am feeling a lot happier about things now too as is my sister, though she is still living at home and often clashes with my mum over her new fancy fella. I think Sarah sees him as the man who broke up our parents marriage.

I feel I want to give some advice here for those going through similar situations:

It is an understatement to say it is hard to see your parents splitting up. I can only give you one piece of advice. Do not deny your emotions. Don’t try and bottle things up and don’t try to be strong like I did. It doesn’t work. You need to work through your emotions just as much as your parents do. If you find this difficult to do with friends or family then see about getting some counselling. My sister is only now in the process of getting some counselling and I am sure it will help her no end.

Try not to blame yourself. It isn’t your fault. I used to wonder why children blamed themselves for their parents break ups but now I know why. I could see my parents staying together for me. My birth made them stick together all that time when maybe they’d have been better apart. Its silly to think like that but I have had those thoughts. The past is past and you could not do anything about being born or you couldn’t do anything to stop the process of disintegration in the bond between parents.

Also accept that things will be rough whilst your parents are splitting. Its not going to be easy for anyone involved and you will find yourself arguing with your parents and getting angry at each other a fair bit. Again you have to just work through the emotions. Don’t deny them but try not to hold onto the anger or resentment either. Work through it till you reach a conclusion which means the anger can be put to rest. Conflict is not pleasant but is so often needed and can lead to stronger bonds being made with people, in this case your parents. Things do get better. It is a almost 2 years since dad left home and things are much better now.

This may not be a happy fluffy look at family that you might expect coming into the festive season but it is all about family. We may be a divided family now but we are still a family all the same. Never ever feel that your family unit is not right or is not as important as the typically portrayed happy man wife and kids family.

Family is so much more than numbers. I might not have the stable family home I once had as a kid, no now I have 4 families. Myself, my husband and my daughter, my mum and sister and Nanna, My Dad and His fiancé and her children and the in laws as well. I have so many people connected to me in a bond that is so very strong. I have so many people who will move all heaven and Hell to help me. I am blessed in a unique way.

See your family as a unique blessing and enjoy the upcoming family time.

And try not to throttle anyone ok? *smiles*

(the rating is for families by the way, not divorce :) )

Summary: