Worse Than Wiping The King's A*se? (The Worst Job in England?)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	The Worst Job in England?
Date:	08/05/06 (289 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Loadsa money

Disadvantages: No private life, public ridicule

There have been all kinds of difficult jobs down the ages. Once upon a time it was some poor wretch’s job to wipe the Royal bottom after the King or Queen had successfully visited the alternative throne. Then there are the really difficult jobs that exist today like carers, policemen and women or even estate agents. Well....OK....maybe not estate agents then but you know what I mean. So to describe managing a team of hairy-legged, overpaid millionaires to kick a ball around a field seems an anathema (or is that a breathing ailment?).

Not withstanding all of this then the job clearly has its pressures. Who can forget Don Revie controversially leaving the role to go and take up a much more lucrative position managing that ambitious football nation, The United Arab Emirates in the 70's? Then there was the sad demise of the be-spectacled Graham Taylor who, one minute was managing my beloved Aston Villa (and doing a darned fine job too), the next he’d been pinched by the FA to take over as England boss. Sadly for Taylor, he participated in an ill-fated documentary about being England manager in which he repeatedly said, “Do I not like that? whilst picking Carlton Palmer to play for the national team. Not only did he mangle the English language but he also succeeded in selecting very average players at the highest level. Of course, this hardly excuses the rough justice he experienced in the tabloid press, often appearing in some quasi-vegetable format on the back pages, usually involving a turnip. Also sadly for Taylor, he substituted our national hero in Gary Lineker and replaced him with old big nose, Alan Smith. Some decisions are destined to haunt one forever and that was it for Mr T.

Of course, it’s not all bad for England managers. For years, Bobby Robson was ridiculed by the press up until the moment he stumbled on a winning formula in the 1990 World Cup. Replete with a blubbing Gazza and a rampant Lineker, Sir Bobby took us all the way into the semi-finals only to be knocked out by the omnipresent Germans in yet another shoot out. To lose in such a Heroic way left Robson forever in our memories as a gallant loser and a thoroughly decent chap.

And then there’s Kevin Keegan. Poor old Kev had already shown his mental frailty by ranting at Sir Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United on Sky TV. Finishing with the immortal “ I'd love it if we beat them, love it!” Keegan showed perhaps that he hadn’t got the mental strength to do it at the very top level and so, naturally, we made him national team coach. King Kev was at the helm for some of the more hideous England disasters including the Phil Neville induced 3-2 defeat to Romania having been two up and the abject performance at Wembley during the last ever international at the old version of the stadium as England slumped 0-1 to Germany. Kev did the honourable thing by resigning but the damage was done and we should have seen it coming.

Then there was Glenn Hoddle. One of THE best players I’ve ever seen turned into some kind of spiritualist mentor for the England set up. By installing faith healer Eileen Drewery as part of the England coaching staff, "The Hod Squad" took the England job into a new realm of alternative medicine and massaging the players scalps to develop their auras (or something like that). Hoddle did come within striking distance of glory when he lost out to Argentina in the 1998 World Cup. With Michael Owen making a breathtaking debut, the England team was unlucky to lose after having the iconic David Beckham sent off. However, Hoddle came under fire after a disappointing start to the Euro 2000 qualifying campaign, and was sacked in February 1999 after he appeared in an interview with The Times newspaper where he suggested that disabled people were being punished for sins in a previous life. There was even an intervention by Prime Minister Tony Blair and, eventually, the FA had little option but to terminate Hoddle's contract.

And now a gritty Yorkshireman in Steve Mclaren has taken up the reigns. Not given a huge amount of credit for the job he’s done at Middlesborough, Mclaren’s appointment comes hot on the heels of the high profile rejection of the post by big Phil Scolari. Having already won the World Cup with Brazil, maybe Scolari is the sanest man on the planet in rejecting the job having seen the legacy and what it’s done to people over the years. After all, Sven Goran-Eriksson went from hero (Germany 1 England 5) to zero during his reign and all that free-market enterprise in looking at other business ventures whilst in the England role was all too much for our stuffy, holier-than-thou image of how the job should be done. Doing a great impression of any number of politicians over the years, Sven has insulted our sensibilities with his high profile affairs and dampened our ardour by not getting carried away enough on the touchline. We can but hope that he carries enough presence still to get through to the existing players in a few weeks time.

When you sit down and analyse the facts, the national team coach does appear to do strange things to people. From transforming into turnips to past life regression, from defecting to the Middle East to “Do I not like that”, it can’t be pure coincidence that so many England managers have appeared to go insane. Whether this makes it the hardest/worst job in England is still open to debate. Whether it’s worth all the money to be turned into a loon is another question. Whatever the truth, here’s hoping that England can finally make it all the way in the latest World Cup although with only a half-fit Rooney at best it looks like an uphill struggle. Still....by taking an unproven 17-year-old kid whom doesn’t even make the Arsenal first team then maybe we can surprise everyone else. Then again, maybe it’s one final sign of madness as one more England manager closes out his reign.

Thanks for reading

Mara

Summary: Answering the question