Ven I am ze velt ruler... (There ought to be a law about that!)

Member Name: mpafp

Product:	There ought to be a law about that!
Date:	29/01/02 (53 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Eh?, Oh, justice at last

Disadvantages: I may have to restrict basic human rights here.

I vill put you on ze list. Zees are ze dings I vuld be punishink people for und ze consekvenshal punishmentz arising from zis having been zehr naughty on ze people.

OK, I’ll drop the evil clichéd German maniac accent now because:
a) it is an effort
b) you probably don’t have a clue what I’m taking about. Yet. Maybe you won’t by the end either.

Here are the people who should be punished and how this should be done. I apologise in advance for the many, many people I am about to offend…you know I love you really.

I have followed a format similar to clissoldjones, so big up to him but no accusations of plagiarism please. He did it better, but I felt I had to speak out about my own views. Besides, I don’t really mind slugs.

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1. Francophiles

The question is, why? What possible qualities does France and the French have that are worth philing? I will refrain from the clichéd criticisms (they eat frogs’ legs, they smell, the girls don’t shave under their arms, they say ‘zut alors’ a lot, they eat snails, they smell, they eat garlic, they are wet, they smell), and will state (purely objectively, of course) some observations I have made.

PRETENSION. French people are pretentious. They think they are the most fashionable, sensitive, cultured, philosophical, gorgeous, sexually competent, gay (as in the ‘Gay Paris’ sense) nation in the world. None of which is true.

ANORAKS. These are the French national uniform now. No longer the stripy blue and white shirt, beret and garlic string; your average French dude sports an anorak, geeky glasses and a stupid haircut and is proud to do so, because he believes that the French are so inherently stylish he can set the global fashion standards with whatever he wears. This belief is largely due to the inexplicable popularity of French design
ers
<br>In the fashion world. But then again, who ever cared what the fashion world thought?

COCKS. The French national symbol is a cock. Or as they say, coq (don’t be fooled it’s the same sordid thing). Like, eeeoouu!

Bearing all this in mind, and also with the long-standing tradition of cross-channel rivalry, I think that Francophiles are rather misguided. They seem to think there is something cultured, however, about having holidays homes in the sh*thole, and spouting occasional garbage over a mouldy cheese.

I must be fair on the French themselves, however (there are lots of them, so they might hurt me) and say that three good things have come out of France:

~CHAMPAGNE. Mmmmmmm. Not French wine.

~LAETITIA CASTA. Mmmmmm. She is where all the missing French beauty went.

n~THE WORD ‘BOF’. How cool is that? Accompanies a shrug of the shoulders.

!!!!!PUNISHMENT!!!!!

Francophiles are to be taken to the depths of the channel tunnel and trapped in a cell with a French existentialist who answers all their questions with a string of new questions, e.g.

Francophile: Hello, what’s your name?
Existentialist: Who am I? Do I really exist? How can you be sure? Do you really exist? Did you actually just ask me a question? What is a name? AM I actually that name, I mean is it really me or just a label for me? Is it really mine? Who am I?...(repeat ad mortem)



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2. People who say ‘I’m a bit mad, me’

Good, then we can lock you away.

!!!!!PUNISHMENT!!!!!

To be locked away.



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3. Dogs

They are pathetic. They just mope about expecting to be petted and walked and generally have their arses wiped, and cannot do anything for themselves without hum
an approval. Paradoxically, however, we are also their slaves, stroking and feeding them etc. They also lick us (nasty), knock us over, bite honest postmen (or so I’ve been told and have read in The Beano), hump our legs, smell and make noise when we are trying to sleep.

Even worse are ugly dogs, like Pugs, Pitbulls etc. Their physical deformity, as well as being displeasing in itself, often accompanies character disorders, such as sudden violent streaks and noisy breathing difficulties

!!!!!PUNISHMENT FOR BEING A DOG!!!!!

Throw their ball off a cliff and watch. Ugly dogs should have a sack of cement attached to them too.

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4. Stupendously unimaginative Dooyoo names

People who just call themselves Joe_Marsden
katie_jones richard_cranium etc. Yes, I know that using my intials is not the height of imagination but even tgoldring or clissoldjones is better than just your full name with and underscore in the middle. Of course, if any such dooyooers are reading this don't let it affect you rating, but you MUST BE PUNISHED...

!!!!!PUNISHMENT!!!!!

To spend a day walking around in a milkmaid's costume (regardless of sex), pretending to be 'Sexy Helga from over by the currywurst factory'. They must go up to at least 5 people an hour and offer them sexual favours.



These are all the people/animals who I can think of for the moment, but I’m sure I’ll have formulated some more policies by the time I come to power. Which will be instead of clissoldjones. I will add to the list when I think of any more punishment-worthy people if I may.

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