Tourists! (There ought to be a law about that!)

Member Name: srtom

Product:	There ought to be a law about that!
Date:	12/07/04 (52 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Different Culture from the usual, Bring in money for the economy

Disadvantages: Bloody annoying, Stop in the street making you face oncoming traffic

Not just any old tourists but London ones who seem to be born from the loins of Satan himself. Lots of little satanic children running around while you struggle to miss the oncoming traffic who are determined not to stop to save those precious few seconds is how I would describe the majority of my walking around Greenwich, South East London.

Being touted to Londoners and tourists alike (include Londoners who don?t live in the surrounding area here as tourists) as a ?culture? town and somewhere promoted to the masses at the same time as a nice and relaxing place to while away a day at. Unfortunately for the residents, we are overrun come the weekend with alarming regularity and heaven forbid living there in the summer by which time a brisk walk across the street is enough to incite the anger previously reserved for the little feckers that nick your hubcaps when your back is turned.

This afternoon I narrowly missed an oncoming bus while walking on the outside of a German couple who thought it would be great idea to stop directly where they were and take photos of each other, I am particularly aggrieved to say that I am succumbing to the attitude that all tourists have the intelligence of a wickedly dim-witted monkey. Surely if we all have to learn the Green Cross and Highway Codes at a fairly young age in the UK then tourists must be taught what I have deemed the ?Tourist?s Code?. If they had watched Pirates of the Caribbean then they may even be conversant with the Pirates Code and as a result the Tourist Code has been loosely based upon. Not wanting to steal the indomitable words of Johnny Depp himself the Tourist?s Code is more like guidelines than rules to be followed, although tourists take note otherwise you?ll soon be walking off the plank on the Cutty Sark itself, the fastest t
ea clipper in South East London.

1) Any tourist that falls behind stays behind.
- This is very important, large groups of people hogging up the road is a total hazard to pedestrians and people running back to pick up the stragglers makes the situation worse.

2) All tourists must walk under the same flag colours.

- To differentiate between erratic actions and normalcy, all tourists must wear their group colours. This rule is to warn pedestrians in advance of the possible dangers they pose to passers by.

3) Tourists must not be greedy and steal all of the bounty from the cash machines.

- This is incredibly annoying. Having spent 20 minutes walking back from the local gym the other day I just wanted to put my feet up and put something in the oven but I had no money so I headed off looking for cash machines. On the 5th machine I found, I struck gold, but it had taken me at least 30 minutes to get to this point and I was shattered. A warning to all ye tourists who should falter on this one.

4) If any tourist be stealing anything then they must be sent to the authorities.

- Pretty explanatory really. Not totally blaming the tourists here, as I seem to live in the ghetto but leave the bloody hubcaps alone! Definitely a case for walking the plank again.

5) Rum (or any other alcoholic beverage) is for drinking and not burning/leaving on the ground.

- Please don?t mess up our nice park with your rubbish!

6) Commandeering is an art, not a crime.

- This is pretty much stolen directly from the Pirates Code. Making decisions for your group of fellow tourists so they don?t stand around aimlessly walking into people is central to the pedestrian quality of life in our town.

7) If any man or woman demands ?Tourlais? and accompanies with the wor
ds; ?I?m a tourist, please don?t hurt me!? is allowed the benefit of the doubt until it is complete. This means no harm will come to the tourists in anticipation of the relevant authorities catching up with them.

That concludes my Tourists Code, the guidelines from which a better Britain can be formed and more importantly, educated Tourist?s can take to their heart like a lovingly warmed hot water bottle on a cold English winters night.

Just hope you don?t walk along the road tomorrow and hear ?Tourlais!? vaguely in the distance as you enjoy the sunny Wimbledon weather.

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