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Sunglasses, Lynx Body Sets and your critcal beer drop!
Tips for Organizing Christmas
Member Name: thedevilinme
Tips for Organizing Christmas
Advantages: Festive town centres
Did you know Santa Clause is only red and white because he was painted that color for a 1920s Coca Cola commercial? You learn something new every day. But Christmas is always black and white to me. You spend money on them-they spend money on you. The season of giving, the season of taking, the day of boozing, the day of arguing. Not forgetting those fruity farts! In fact that's the only fruity thing I get these days at Christmas.
The first thing you need around our way for the festive season is a pair of sunglasses. Three of the five houses in the street have begun unpacking their Christmas lights and-rather annoyingly-started to assemble things on their roofs, chunky cables you would see at the Led Zeppelin comeback gig snaking into the house. Giant slays tearing over the aerials, Father Christmases climbing down the chimney, magnificent Reindeer galloping down the garden, enough energy to power a small African dictatorship, lighting up the East Midlands sky. You can add Northampton to that list with the Great Wall of China on it that can been seen from space. Then with a smile and chirpy hello the neighbors religiously bring out their entire color-coded recycle trays and decorate the street, cardboard and plastic bottles neatly packed in. Hoping to save energy before the worlds resources dwindle is not a priority. They clearly haven't done the math.
The seasonal shopper needs to set aside a day or two for Christmas purchases--Christmas Eve and Boxing Day in my case. You have asked what everyone wants and all you have to do now is find your way to an Argos store and buy it. Job done!
Once you have bought the wrapping paper, labels and cards at the local market for under a quid you can safely plan the serious Christmas purchases. Ale! If you can't hire a Chinook helicopter to lower the tins and crates into your back garden, eager hands reaching for the Stella like needy Africans, then stagger your supermarket collection, mother and baby spaces offering excellent access. With Asda offering a four-pack for a quid deal I have a good feeling beer is going to be very cheap this Christmas. How long until fags are a loss leader, too, to counter the pub smoking ban? Pub sales were the lowest for 32 years this summer.
If you're buying for your partner then remember it could be a critical present. Highly dubious statistics show that one in five couples split on Valentines Day, one in three on the first holiday together, and one in four at Christmas. When gifts have to be bought and matter make sure you have touched him or her up on what she needs. There maybe other offers on the table for New Year and you may be surplus to requirements. Women are materialistic creatures when it comes down to it and you have to get a prezzie that fits their expectations of you. Crap underwear or electrical appliances tend not to do it.
Northampton's Christmas shopping is going the same way of most other city centers, even the local shopping centre plastic Santa's looking ominously grumpy. One is seemingly trying to climb out of the mall on a welcome piece of rope, whilst the other is looking rather glum on a bench with his hands in his chin, no doubt fearing his sledge has already fallen foul of our notorious traffic wardens. Santa will have a lot of deliveries to make on Christmas Eve and will need a bigger sack than he started with for his inevitable confetti of penalty tickets. I'm not saying the parking attendants are keen but I had to double take the other day when the yellow medical helicopter flew over as I thought it had parking control written on the bottom. If it moves!
The local cops aren't helping to boost Northampton trade either. It's great that they are out and about prowling around town undercover this festive season with most of their available cars, nicking drunk drivers and people who use their cell phones whilst driving. Fair enough. But if the prisons cells are full, interpreters too expensive, and the human rights lawyers ready to pounce, then they won't be arresting the Chav scum they really need to in Northampton any day soon as there's no where to put them. Just as speed cameras and wardens are non-ambiguous in what level of offender they target it will be the people who can and will pay the fines that will be harassed and fined here by our boys in blue. To be fair I bet the plain clothes guys are not happy with this deal either.
Next you need to check the locks on your door to stop anyone but immediate family getting in over the Christmas holidays. There's nothing more tedious than performing relatives coming around with their hoards of kids to tell you how fertile they are and you're your not. Because you're single they always buy you a Lynx body deodorant set. Clearly you need a good wash to get laid. It's always something to do with personal body care. And you have bought them plonk and chocolates!
Christmas TV is not as big as it used to be and no one looks forward to the seasonal offerings of French & Saunders any more. The once great comedy acts of yesteryear are now painfully bad. Who will ever forget the tooth pull that was the 2002 'Only Fools and Horses' Christmas Special. With the seasonal Radio Times in hand it's no longer a pleasurable ringing session of the schedule for the holidays.
Usama Bin Laden will be doing the C4 Christmas message whilst the Christmas Top of the Pops will now be only available only as a podcast on BBC Live. The big films will be ones we have all seen on pirate, cable or DVD and endless trailers will try to brainwash us into believing Little Britain is still funny.
Obviously the main reason for Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus and those less fortunate, usually by stuffing yourself repeatedly, testing your extractor fans rigidity by depleting the ozone layer with some rich farts to honor the first ever artificial insemination. The mix of Carling Black Label, Turkey and Mince Pies seems to hang in the air like the smog will over the Beijing Olympics.
The traditional Boxing Day pint will be a miserable affair this year, smokers stuck outside in the fog and drizzle, talking about those Lynx body sets. The only good thing about the smoking ban is that the local rough pub-the one with the punters who deposit their broken bottles and crisp packet in your front garden-is almost certain to close. Ours has gone already and the 'for sale' signs up. Hooorayy!
So you have got through the holiday and now its time to spend your vouchers and get the refunds on the presents you do and don't want. A ten pound voucher goes much further than it ever did in HMV, CDs and movies now a fiver each, the prices they have been in America for 30 years! Grrrrr! Remember half-price is not always half-price, guys. If it's not half-price of the RRP (recommended retail price), what ever that is, then its not half price.
Retail staff hate giving refunds and hearing your pathetic excuses. 'It's a duplicate present... I already have one...it's too big...and it's too small...bla bla bla...All of the above relate to my very naughty and very ex Brazilian girlfriend, who once took a vibrator back to Anne Summers and demanded one that would give her an orgasm. I would like to say at this point it was not my Christmas present to her although it was the first portent I would be out the door. Hold your nerve at the returns desk. Get that money back!
If you live in a council house then make sure you clear enough room in your front and back garden in early January to dump all the kids' old toys. You may have to move that old mattress and engine block. Some of the more fortunate ones can use that speed boat you won on Bullseye as a storage area. The caravan wired up to the lamp post and the old car up on bricks would already be full of empties, of course... Merry Christmas!
Summary: Commercial minefield