“ Please include explanations. „
So right now I should be working on my next draft for my dissertation, or at least that is what my lecturer thinks I should be doing. Therefore I´m writing a review von how much I hate certain kinds of food - makes perfect sense to me!
* * * Pears * * *
The only thing pears should be used for is to make Williams Pear Schnapps and maybe cider but really nothing else. They are grainy, taste funny and are just about the most boring fruit on earth.
* * * English doner meat * * *
Go to Turkey or for that matter anywhere in mainland Europe and have a proper doner kebab. I promise you that you will never again be able to a doner here in the UK after a night out ever again. The greasy stuff that we sell has nothing to do with the big, chunky bits or actual meat they use in kebabs on the mainland. There is actual texture and taste - not just old cooking oil and a bit of chili. Top that with a much larger choice of salads and tastier bread and our local doner just doesn´t stand a chance.
* * * Apple juice * * *
I've always hated all kinds of juices and flavored drinks thanks to a very health conscious upbringing by my mum. When I was little I went on a Scouts trip from Hell - all we were allowed to drink for ten days was apple juice. The tap water in the old camping ground in the South of France was not safe to drink (or so they told us) and there weren´t any shops. I swear that our sardonic Scout leader enjoyed forcing me to drink apple juice after he caught me drinking the tap water anyway. And hey presto, my dislike turned to complete and utter hatred when it comes to apple juice. If In was in a desert I would rather lick moisture of rocks then have as much as a sip of that hellish stuff. I mean look at it - it does not look like something that anyone should drink!
* * * Baked Beans * * *
Can you imagine that in Australia they sell Sweet Chili Baked Beans? Why on earth anyone would hate their own nation enough to produce something as horrible as that is still a mystery to me. I mean, they have everything there food wise - why take the really bad English things and make them even worse?
* * * Cooked Onion * * *
While I absolutely adore raw onion in salads or even on pizza I despise these massive chunks of boiled onion that seem to be the main ingredient in very cheap Chinese take-aways. You wouldn´t just eat an onion on its own so why make dishes that consist almost entirely of sweet, gooey onion chunks?
* * * Papaya * * *
Try hating Papaya while travelling in SEA or the Caribbean. You will have to deal with it for breakfast, pudding and as a juice- just horrid!
* * * Chocolate cake * * *
Chocolate cake is probably one of the most popular things on earth and unfortunately the primary choice for birthday cakes. For me this means that out of the 25 birthday cakes of my life I only enjoyed the tiny fraction of lemon sponge cakes my nan made me. My housemates are seemingly obsessed with making me chocolate cake, of which I only ever have a tiny slice to be polite. Not that they are complaining as it leaves more for them and I´m happy to see them happy too.
* * * Durian & Custard Apple * * *
Both fruits were on my "To do list" when I went to Asia after my A-levels. Durian, the stinking fruit, is quite infamous so obviously I had to try it and Custard Apple just sounded great. While the durians taste of sweet, boiled red onion puree did not surprise me I had high hopes for anything that is as healthy as a fruit and tastes of custard. Before you get too excited, Custard Apple tastes nothing like custard. It is kind of sweet but has an unpleasant texture and huge seeds and is, all in all, rather boring.
* * * Foods I love * * *
Just to end this on a positive note here are some foods that I absolutely adore! Firstly Guava, my favorite fruit ever although they taste way better in the Caribbean then the shop bought ones here. Their juice is a great pick me up for breakfast and because they are not too juice one can easily eat them without making a mess. Avocado is another of my favourites. I´ve only recently stopped eating meat and avocado used as a spread with toasted bread is one of my favourite veggie dishes.
I'm not going to have the Marmite - Bovril argument here as I have tasted neither, the whiff all you need to know about that stuff, looking, feeling and smelling like earwax! These are the top ten food stuffs I have tasted and took an immediate dislike to.
--- Peanuts ---
I don't know why I hate salted peanuts but I do. I think it's that stale and sweaty smell that explodes out of the packet when someone opens a pack up at the party. In fact the whole business of nuts doesn't do it for me, those flaky bits getting between your teeth like ladies short and curlies. Maybe it's a subliminal dislike of them that may suggest I have a hidden allergy or something but I just don't get why people want to eat nuts. If I ever come to the Ciao Christmas party and you want to get rid of me then open up a bumper pack of KP guys!
This is the sweet in the aqua blue wrapper that remained at the bottom of the Roses tin uneaten for the whole of Christmas. It was made of a glass like substance and was like trying to eat flint, guaranteed to crack your fillings. It had no real flavour and I suspect the dentist federation lobbied to have it included in the tin. The worlds worst sweet by far.
---Broccoli, Cabbage, Brussels---
As far as I'm concerned they are the same thing and boiling either of them produces a horrendous stench. They look like soggy wallpaper in the pot and slide down your throat like seaweed. If something natural tastes horrible its not supposed to be eaten.
If I want to eat things that taste like grass I will eat grass.
There is something about the whiff of mustard that makes me want to wretch. I believe it tastes like it smells and so I would never taste it anyway. It looks like the contents of burst zits! Horseradish and Mayonnaise also come into this category, the sickly sweet smell of those very off-putting. Mint Sauce remains my favourite condiment. In fact I put mint sauce on pretty much everything I cook to give it some sort of taste.
Why would anyone want to eat a jellyfish tasting like cherryade? Just looking at those wobbly things on the plate is disturbing. The thought of eating and slurping jelly makes me feel slightly odd. Don't get me started on trifles! We think we can feed kids anything when they are young and only get away with force feeding jelly as the kids think they are fun looking. McDonalds' chose a clown to push their junk food because kids love clowns. Get em hooked on sugar and fat young!
I have this thing about shiny buttons where if they are on their own and not attached to clothing they make me creep out. If I see a stray one I will pick it up and throw it out of the window! It's the same with currents. I can bare the odd current in a scone but I will pick the rest out and dump them in the bin or throw them out of the window to avoid that icky taste. Eating currents and raisins is like eating human friend human organs. Not that I have eaten human organs. They are in-between chewy and sticky and just don't feel right in the mouth. Ewwwe!
Coconut flakes with chocolate sweets is just criminal. Eating a Bounty Bar leaves most of the coconut in your mouth and teeth still well after the event, like picking you know what from between those teeth after your girlfriend insisted on some 'ah hem' after one too many Smirnoff Ices. Coconut flakes, like nuts, should never be in the same room as chocolate. End of!
Boiled sweets remind me of the time we had to go around me Nan's as kids. The old bureau would creak open and out would come the Acid and Pear drops to crunch on after a beetroot salad. They were designed by the same people who created that Praline sweet to get you to the dentist as quick as possible. Pear Drops taste horrible and will forever be associated with old people.
Did you know that 96% of the world's baked beans are sold in the United Kingdom? Well not in my shopping basket pal! Anything drowning in tomato sauce is not for me. Tomato flavouring in moderation is fine but beans and tomato sauce is just yucky. They slope out of the can like vomit and just sit there like splodge. Anything that feels like sick when I eat it quickly goes on the bad list.
Ok, your turn now!