LMAO (Top Five Jokes)

Member Name: xxsaxonyxx

Product:	Top Five Jokes
Date:	01/08/06 (3231 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Funny

Disadvantages: none

1 Essex Blondes



As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red
light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Tracy and you are losing some of your load."

The lorry driver ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the lorry driver lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Tracy, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the lorry driver ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the cab door. The lorry driver lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Tracy and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the lorry revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the lorry, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a F*****G GRITTER!!!"

2 Man Jokes

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys 24 CANS of beer, instead of 12.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why does it take 100 million sperm, to fertilize
one egg?
Because not one will stop, and ask for directions

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring, and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.


3 Fax
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a
sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him
questioningly.

"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang! . The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He
stepped out of the sauna ! and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said
"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!

4 washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the
afternoon and that morning I received a call from the doctor's office
to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes,
so I didn't have time to spare.

As most woman do I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas,
wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself
a quick wash "in that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it. "

5. NunsSitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He
to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front
seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that 22 was the highway number, Not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a
peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Highway 189


Hope you all liked them!!!

Summary: Some jokes to make you laugh