Come Stroke My Pussy and Other Fairly Pointless Observations (Top Five Pets)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	Top Five Pets
Date:	25/06/06 (540 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Lovely pets

Disadvantages: Lovely vets bills

Ah, a subject close to all of our hearts – our pets. Quite how this translates into a top 5 list is anyone’s guess and a strange vagary of consumer opinion sites like Dooyoo in listing it as a category to write in but there it is and I’m feeling frisky so sit back and listen to me telling you all about my pets man. Of course, you don’t *have* to read this. I mean, you could go and empty the dishwasher or pop to the paper shop for the Sundays instead but if you’ve chosen to stick and stay then here goes!

First up is my pussy. Well, you’d expect me to get that one in early doors, wouldn’t you? Nope, first thing in the morning I like to stroke my pussy. I’m quite lucky really because I have multiple pussies – 3, in fact. Yessiree, I like cats and as a top 5 they would be there at numero uno. The thing I like about cats the most is their independence. They just get on with it and don’t tie you down for the most part. So as long as they get a feed a couple of times a day then that’s it; no walkies a la Barbara bleedin’ Woodhouse or whatever her name is or silly jackets that people will insist on dressing their pooches in or any other palaver. Just feed and go. I’ve always had cats around me, even when I was a kid although they do play havoc with the old asthma. We all have asthma, y’see so having shorthaired domestics isn’t great. Incidentally, scientists in America have genetically engineered allergen-free cats now so solve that particular problem; only drawback is they cost around £7000 each and, apparently, even the newsreader Peter Sissons said he wouldn’t fork out those kind of numbers. Damn those filthy capitalists!

Secondly, I like guinea pigs. Up until recently, I’d never had an association with these creatures but my daughter acquired a couple as pets and I’ve grown rather attached to them. Of course, whilst watching Jonathan Woss last Friday night I just had to draw my good lady and daughter’s attention to the featurette where Jonathan had 2 guinea pigs and was telling the audience that they happen to be the national dish of Equador. Whilst the 2 most important women in my life were suitably shocked and offended at the notion of eating these latter day tribbles (*Star Trek reference for any geeks like me out there) it was quite funny seeing Wossie with goggles and gloves on as he picked them up. Our particular pets just keep getting bigger and bigger as they eat more and more each day, hence their name, I guess. They do squeak and purr like cats endearing themselves to the pet owner and, with simply having to feed them lots of veg and fruit each day apart from remembering to put them in the hutch outside on nice days then they are fairly low maintenance too – nice.

In at number 3 are our rats. Yep, me lad likes his rats and I’ve kinda grown to like them from a distance if you know what I mean. When we first had them we did have the problem of the rats being a bit overzealous when they though food was close by. We had several incidents of them biting into children’s fingers when the gullible kiddies left their fingers dangling through the cage grill for a split second too long. These babies have mean front teeth. They seem to have mellowed over the last year or so with the most famous incident where one attached itself to the end of ma wifee’s finger only to find itself **hurtling across the room as she reacted in panic and flicked it for miles now but a distant memory. On the downside, they’ve cost me a blinkin’ fortune in vets bills with their ongoing health issues with one of them constantly being prone to cancer scares. I do admit that I’m yet to stroke them and am unlikely to ever do so but they bring a lot of pleasure to ma boy and that counts for a lot.

At number 4 is our tortoise. I read at the weekend that Harriet the tortoise had died aged 178. Belonging to Darwin at one stage, grand old Harriet was the oldest living animal in captivity before finally succumbing to old Father Time. It’s this longevity that’s the obvious appeal of tortoises. I mean, our pet is older than we are, originally belonging to my ma-in-law. Otherwise, apart from being useful to crack walnuts with at Christmas and doubling as Thunderbird 2, some might argue that they are pretty pointless. We do have fun of sorts with our tortoise. My other half loves to let it stretch its head up her nose. Attracted by the heat, I suppose, it’s a bizarre but funny sight. Tortoises are quite low maintenance (I’m beginning to sound obsessed on this point, aren’t I?) with just needing a feed once a day and taking out of the house and putting in the garden on warm days. Our tortoise is a Greek-horned version and so likes the heat. She is a lot quicker than people imagine and I’ve been there before, mowing the grass, when the vibrations in the ground have caused the tortoise to chase the mower around. It’s a strange sight again but maybe she thinks it’s that hare from the fable and wants to beat it one more time.

Last but not least are dogs. In my case at the moment, we plan to get a dog shortly. If I’m honest, I don’t reeeeeally wanna dog but I’ve finally been worn down enough to give in and agree. I kinda thought we had enough of a menagerie as it is but oh noooooooo.....we still need a pooch, allegedly. After all, ma better half grew up with a dog and, yes, I always had a dog too but I really can’t be doing with all the walks, worrying about who will look after it when we go on holiday, vets bills etc. It will be a rescued animal, of course. All of our cats are rescued and I don’t see why I should pay for a pedigree dog when there are so many discarded canines waiting to be re-homed. Ach, I’m sure that when we get one my home won’t really be ransacked like some invading Visigoth has stayed for a few days. Neither will it stink and I won’t find my shoes half-eaten, hidden behind the back of the sofa. I'm sure I won't end up paying HUGE vets bills for a dog if anything goes wrong either. I understand that the whole of the pet insurance industry is waiting with baited breath to do business with me when I eventually do enter the dog-owning world so I'll be looking to strike a competitive deal with one of these companies. I'm a miserable sod looking at the black side aren't I? With all of these concerns, if anybody out there feels like re-assuring me, now would be a good time....

Thanks for reading and good luck to da boys against Equador later today!

Mara

*The whole series of Star Trek is being shown on Sci-Fi channel just now if you are a fan of Kirk and the gang like wot I am.

**No animals were hurt during the making of this opinion.

Summary: Top 5 peteroonies