Seriously, who thinks of these things and is it just another way of getting 3p a read?

You bloody Ciaoers have a lot to answer for.

Number 5 pet.

Mexican Jumping Bean.

I mean, what pet costs less to feed, takes no looking after and does not cry when you walk out the door? I have one called Juan once, which sounds like one because I only had one. Had I had two I would have called the second one Juan Two, then it would sound like I had one two as well as one so that would be two.
Mexican jumping beans come from Mexico which is like part of the USA for poor people and is not recognised on their National flag other wise it would have a star. Mexico did kick Texans arses in the Alamo though, I know because I once saw a movie with John Wayne where they all died except Davy Crocket who hid, bloody coward!

Anyway, if you put Mexican Jumping Beans in the oven they jump higher and more often but it is cruel and they die in the end, so don’t do it unless you are a student or drunk.

Number 4 pet.

Alligator.

These things are great you know? Scare the shit out of next doors dog and stops the cats shitting on your lawn. If you get a long chain they can hide under the hedge and bite the postman’s leg of when he is not expecting a gator to jump out and attack him. Do not do this if you are expecting an Ebay delivery though, as the gator may eat the parcel and you could end up giving negative feedback to some genuine person and feel a complete bastard afterwards.

Did you know that Florida is the only place in the world where they have crocs and gators living together in the everglades? Well, they have them in zoos as well but they have separate enclosures so that does not count. You can eat gator at Key W Kools, a restaurant on H192 in Kissimmee and the serve them in little nuggets called gator bites and with a hot dip. Lovely.

Gators normally feed on small children and puppies so do not buy one if you have either.

Number 3 pet.

Meerkat.

PMSL, these are funnier than a serious post by Jim 29th. Every time we go to a zoo, Sherry has to pull me away from their enclosure. These animals are constantly pissed, of that I am sure. We used to have a mate in the Navy called Eddy Hemmings (not his first real name) and he looked just like a Meerkat, tall, ging and moved his head in a sharp action. He was funny. Meerkats live in the desert between the cream and the jelly. The often feed on things otherwise they would die. You cant really keep one in the house otherwise it would dart up your trouser leg and bite your gonads, but if you wear bicycle clips they can’t do this and you can have a good laugh as they scurry around the bottom of your trousers looking for an opening. Don’t have a Meerkat if you have babies as they may nest inside their cot and scratch them.

Number 2 pet.

Road Kill.

Anyone will do, Badger, rabbit, hedgehog and even Fox. They are easy to carry as they are much lighter than their live counterparts and you can make handles by tying their legs together or their ears if you have a rabbit. Brilliant as gifts as they can be slid under a door if the letterbox is too small so none of that going down the sorting office before work to collect the package. They don’t eat at all so you have no real living costs except some fragrance oil to mask the smell of rotten flesh. You are best finding one with no guts left ass they smell less and last longer. After a while, a really good example of a flattened Road kill can be used as a frisby for the kids to play with or small road kill can be used as place mats at a table. You can have some wonderful games working out what the animal was before the X3 bus ran over him.

Number 1 pet.

A Gung-Ho American.

These are the most playful of all the pets a person could ever own. If you get one of these, you must immediately convince him that the people you do not like have oil in their garden, tell him that whatever he does is in the name of god and is therefore excusable no matter what law it breaks and also that your house is the 53rd State of the US of A. (51 and 52 being Mexico and Iran). Your Gung-Ho US of A man will guard your house while you watch the World Cup and claim it is a fixed tournament anyway as the Commies and Charlie rig it. Whenever GHUS of A man gets a bit timid, you must remind him that the whole world is against him and that they are mounting secret raids to take his country down.

Gung-Ho US of A man probably comes from Texas and drinks lite beer or LA and drinks Pina Coladas. He will defend his owners to the end despite the wrong doings you make. A loyal pet is the Gung-Ho US of A man and will never listen to the truth unless it is to praise you.

God bless Gung-Ho US of A man, the number one pet.