Hate Ops are SUCH a release of tension! (Top Ten Unreadable/Unfinishable Books)

Member Name: chris105

Product:	Top Ten Unreadable/Unfinishable Books
Date:	05/03/02 (1088 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: got these off my chest :)

Disadvantages: now everyone will know my ignorance of the classics

It's a rite of passage - one day, every dooyoo-er has to write one of these top ten ops. Well then, here's my initiation... and what better way to go than with a top ten that's not a top ten but a "hate" ten?! Lovely...

Before I start shooting, I must tell you that until a while ago, I fervently subscribed to the idea that every book, once started, is worth finishing - if only to satisfy one's curiosity. All the while, a fellow reader and friend persistently stuck to her view that life is too short to read "stupid" stuff. It could be the passing of years, or not, but lately I've come to agree with her proposition, and I'm finding myself dumping the occasional rubbish book before I've finished it.

So it is with some authority (ahem!) that I present to you my top ten of unfinishable/unreadable books. Some you won't have heard of (lucky you!), some you'll hate me for including, and some (hopefully) you'll agree with me on.

Off we go.

I. ** THE LORD OF THE RINGS - J.R.R. Tolkien **

What the heck, let's make enemies at once Chris! So, ok, I don't like Lord of the Rings, the book - so what?! Actually, I've tried - honestly I have - the first time around 15 years ago and the second time only last year. Each time I promised myself that if seemingly everyone and their dog could read / had read Lord of the Rings, then I could / had too. Yet each time, I couldn't get to the bottom of it. On my first attempt I gave up two-thirds of the way into Book II (The Two Towers), while last year my exhaustion with the book got to me earlier, barely two-thirds into Book I (The Fellowship of the Ring).

Why can I not manage to finish it? I don't know - I'm sure the story is great (also judging by the fantastic film made from it), and the prose is elegiac in an old-world kind of way. But the oh-so-lengthy chunks of descriptions of lilies and drops of rain
and tussles of grass... no way could I get through those. Call me shallow and unromantic, but those endless poems and detailed descriptions left me yawning.

So Lord of the Rings goes off my list of books to be read. For ever.


II. ** TELL ME YOUR DREAMS - Sidney Sheldon **

Yes, that's right - I wrote an op on Sidney Sheldon last year, awarding him the magnanimity of one star. He deserved less, of that I'm sure. Tell Me Your Dreams is the latest oeuvre of his that I've read, which explains why I've chosen it for my top ten - but honestly you could pick any - and I mean ANY - of his titles and substitute them for this one. No-one'd realise.

This book must have the most inane and idiotic plot I've ever had the misfortune to come across. And believe me, I've seen inane plots. To compound matters, this lack of creativity is accompanied by an abysmal writing style. Breakfast cereal box nutritional information would qualify for the Booker, compared to Sheldon's ramblings.

If you feel like reading a senseless story, whose end you know with precision from page 6, related in an infantile English, then by all means help yourself to this gem of a book.


III. ** TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES - Thomas Hardy **

From the mundane to the sublime. Yes I know Hardy is considered some sort of venerable institution in your country, right up there with the Queen Mother. And he is without doubt a master of the English language. However, the reason one of his titles found its way into my nefarious top ten has nothing to do with Hardy's style, but rather with the fact that Tess had the dubious honour of being a set text when I was at school.

Admittedly, I did have some fantastic English Literature teachers in my time, who taught me to love and appreciate literature. However, Tess of the D'Urbervilles wasn't to benefit from such enlightenment. Let's just say we we
re not given the opportunity to appreciate the book at its best. Reading Tess brought me dangerously close to being put off literature for the rest of my life. Thankfully, I immediately turned to other books, and my future life was saved!


IV. ** THURSDAY LEGENDS - Quentin Jardine **

Keep away from this book. Please. Health warning.

I once made the mistake of choosing this book as my travel companion on a short London trip. Boy was I sorry!

Imagine the most conventional "gruesome-murder-stuns-nation-baffles-police- except-our-hero" plot you could think of, then couple it with the flattest two-dimensional stereotyped characters imaginable... and you've only just begun to comprehend the immense boredom of reading this book. The police inspector, athletic, good-looking, James-Bond-level successful with women, effortlessly solves a crime when a high-ranking police officer is found brutally murdered. Yawn!!

By the way, on the said trip, I trashed this book and bought Five Quarters of the Orange instead - best decision I could have made. Like going from a churner's op to a Jill-o op...


V. ** THE MILL ON THE FLOSS - George Eliot **

Poor thing. I've never started this book, and I'm condemning it. In fairness, this is a very subjective and arbitrary judgement, seeing as I've hated this book, with a passion, for no particular reason other than that I compulsively hate its cover. Fickle thing that I am!

We've had this book on our bookshelves at home for ages, and each time I see it I'm repulsed. Sorry Mr designer, and sorry Eliot, but I shan't read this book.

I've never tried reading it (and I probably never will) so I can't comment on its contents. It might be the best thing since sliced bread. Give it the benefit of the doubt, will you? [I won't, though - not until they rejacket it.]


VI. ** BLOOD HUNT - Jack Harvey **


Surprise surprise! Those who know me will be shocked that I've chosen an Ian Rankin title for my top ten (Jack Harvey is a pseudonym used by Rankin for his non-Rebus thrillers). Last year I read Harvey's re-released Bleeding Hearts, and I loved it. Good old-fashioned non-complicated thriller. This year, as soon as Blood Hunt was re-released, I ordered it - looking forward to a great relaxing read.

Only yesterday, though - after much internal turmoil (at the thought of the infidelity I was about to commit betraying my Rankin... with {admittedly more gorgeous} Tawni O'Dell) - did I decide to quite reading it. It could be that Blood Hunt is one of his earlier novels. But it definitely is one of his worst. The dialogue (unusually for Rankin/Harvey) is stilted and contrived, the situations too extreme and artificial. When reading a thriller, I like to at least feel that this COULD have happened. With this book, there was no such illusion.

Rankin/Harvey fans: stay away from this book. Read Bleeding Hearts or The Falls instead.


VII. ** CRIMINAL LAW - Smith & Hogan **

Enough said already. Suffice it to mention that it was one of the required reading lists at University, and as such was duly snubbed by the whole lot of us - especially considering that it was darned relevant for our exams, meaning that we had to stuff the entire book (figuratively, of course) into our heads prior to exams.

Burn this book!


VIII. ** THE BRETHREN - John Grisham **

Still making enemies, huh Chris?

Let me confess: I enjoy watching the film adaptations of Grisham's books. I especially loved The Firm. Grisham is one of those rarities whose books are actually better when transposed to film (which must say something about the guy's writing style, in my not-so-humble opinion). After all the Grisham hype over the years - and having managed to avoid reading any Grisham apart from the first ch
apter of The Firm - I tried The Brethren when it came out in paperback.

Honestly I tried... in good faith. But I could not read beyond the first few chapters. Once again, the language was pathetically subservient to the plot, merely a functional appendix to the story. And one other thing: Grisham has preacher-syndrome. Was he a teacher in another life, or what? (...apriti cielo... or rather apritevi cieli tedeschi... I've asked for the flames now!)


IX. ** ULYSSES - James Joyce **

Call me shallow - see if I care! I know this is an absolute immortal, a milestone in the revolution of English Literature. But I can not, repeat CAN NOT, seem to get through this book. I've tried, repeatedly - each time telling myself I'll find some hidden stratum of enjoyment. But no! I found absolutely no enjoyment in this book. And since, for me at least, reading has to be first and foremost enjoyable and engrossing, and preferably emotionally-involving too, I could not but include this book in my list. Ulysses the book merits clinical examination, no doubt, and is probably capable of withstanding the most detailed and severe of critical analyses, however there is nothing that inflamed me as I read.

Maybe it's me ... who knows ...


X. ** THE HIGHWAY CODE **

And, dulcis in fondo, this. I'm always amazed how this leaflet always seems to hover around the top ten books sold in the UK in any given week. I wouldn't even have deigned it with the appellation "book". But that's what it is, it seems. So I've duly consigned it to my top ten list.

A highway code as pleasurable or interesting reading? Please! I'd rather watch paint dry.


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So these are my top ten unfinishable/unreadable books. Do not feel free to disagree.

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