Ten is too few. Can I have ten thousand? (Top Ten Worst Celebrities)

Member Name: jojoegypt2008

Product:	Top Ten Worst Celebrities
Date:	28/01/09 (114 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I get to have a rant

Disadvantages: I know you're all going to hate me....

Ten? I could nominate ten thousand. Oh, alright, I'll narrow it down a bit... Hmm... let me see. I shall exclude anyone who is 'famous' for having been on reality tv/had their own 'show' (Ms P. Hilton, I am talking to you).

I shall exclude people whose only job is to 'present' shows - by this I mean the fluffy young (no)things who fill airtime with their pointless jibber-jabber before waving a lazy hand towards the camera to indicate that there might be a morsel of *real* entertainment on offer. Yes, I do mean T4 presenters.

I shall exclude sportsmen and women, who may well be famous, but whose job description is 'to run/jump/cycle/kick/throw etc very fast and well', not 'to attend sleb parties and go out with other famous people in order to get my name in the paper'.

Okay, I think that narrows it down to a point where I can choose...

1. Scarlett Johanssen. Now, I know this will be an unpopular choice with the gentlemen, but I implore you: look beyond the pneumatic cleavage. Look UP. Look at that bizarre and deformed face. No bazumbas are good enough to compensate for that! She is so self-consciously 'interesting' and 'cool' that she becomes utterly plastic and dull. As for the 'channelling Monroe' look - urgh. No no no.

2. Rihanna. That is not a name, that is a rip-off of a well-loved fruit drink. How are we supposed to believe that she was christened that? Poor mite, its hardly surprising that she clearly hasn't the strongest grasp of English, believing as she does that the word is 'um-ber-ell-a'.

3. Brad Pitt. Again, unpopular, I know. But I'm going to go further, so hold onto your hats. He is JUST NOT ATTRACTIVE. His whole career to date has been premised on being a hottie. He looks like they poured him into a mould, and added 'PerfectHair (tm)' after he was dry. There is no character, no life, no spark there. That's not attractive! It's barely human. As for the whole 'Team Aniston/Team Jolie' debate - why would two such fab gals fight over such a lump? Who cares who he's with?

4. Bruce Forsyth. Okay, I may as well go the whole hog, since I know by now several of you will be considering taking out hits on me. Brucie makes me want to curl up and die with embarassment. He's too old for the whole 'see how spry I am still' act. Every time he's on Strictly Come Dancing, and he 'reminds' the audience that he used to be able to dance reasonably well, I feel that hot uncomfortable feeling you get when you're at the school disco and you realise that the boy you thought you fancied dances like a mad ape. It's too cringy for words. In his day, I'm sure Mr Forsyth was a fab entertainer, but it's OVER. He must be able to retire by now. Please. I'll help if he's short.

5. Ant and Dec. As PJ and Duncan, rocking the mike, rock the mike....psych... Hell yes. As bizarre little interchangeable automatons who are caught in the creepy limbo-land of never quite being able to grow up - can either of them grow facial hair? Are they allowed to drive? - no. Bill Nighy's character in Love Actually sums them up: "Yes I do, Ant -or-Dec".

6. Bill Murray. I can't stand any of his films, and I don't think he's talented, so the whole "reclusive genius" act makes me want to bite my own toes off in rage. Nobody cares that you don't do interviews Bill. We don't want to read about you anyway. Get over yourself. Yes, you were in Ghostbusters, and that was a great film. You need to take a leaf out of Chesney Hawkes' book - he embraces being a one-hit wonder. Watch and learn, my friend, watch and learn.

7. Sarah Jessica-Parker. Lovely? Bah. She should have called her perfume "Stringy". Would've been more appropriate.

8. Jude Law. What is Jude Law for? Ballast in a sinking ship? He is not attractive, so that can't be why he's famous. He had an affair with the nanny, but that's soooo last century, so it can't be that. He went out with fellow-meringue Sienna Miller (famous for... wearing clothes?), that can't be it. "Celebrity" derives from the Latin 'celebrare', meaning to celebrate or honour. I'm stumped. Anyone?

9. Tracey Emin. I can't really express in words how pointless she is. If she at least knew how to paint (even walls), that would make her more interesting. I sleep in a bed every night. If I don't change the sheets for ages, can I be an artist too? Or do I have to look like I have fleas and venereal diseases before anyone wants to pay me half a million for my grubby linen?

10. Jools Holland. Okay, this is a very personal one, and I fully and totally acknowledge that JH... I can't even type his name... is a very very talented man. He is a musician of excellence. But can't you see that he is also a serial killer hiding in plain sight? He is the creepiest person on tv. And that includes Tom "Scary Teeth" Cruise. There are bodies under that patio, I'm telling you.

Summary: Slebs who need shootin'