I've Got a Reeeeeeally Big One So Ner!! (TV Programs in General)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	TV Programs in General
Date:	24/05/05 (118 review reads)
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These are dark days on Dooyoo. What with the copy and pasters, copy and pasting and running off, the churners still in full flow and writers taking offence at innocent Mara chortles at the ginger imp’s take-over at ManU it’s all a bit of a dog’s dinner really. Hmmmm….*glances at hemlock*. Nooooooooooo…it’s not worth it is it? Weeeeeeell, as The Killers blaze out on my music system and the rain beats against my window pane (oooh…I’ve gone all poetic), the good news is that I have a BIG ONE!! Yessiree…and I’m going to review it for y’all real soon. Now I know you all want to know about it so just hold your horses and stay patient..OK? Yep, after a successful year of robbing nunneries, taking candies from babies and re-selling them on Ebay and my hooker business taking off in Cricklewood, I found I had enough money to buy a 42” Plasma TV.

This got me thinking about why on Earth I would fork out the money I did for this ‘ere contraption. We all know that the genial Scot, John Logie Baird invented television. In fact, if it was the million pound question on Millionaire…well…we’d all be millionaires wouldn’t we? *reader rolls eyes* Of course, good old auntie Beeb took things on pioneering much of television broadcasts over the last century. So what’s on that makes people insist on having a TV perched in the corner of the lounge/kitchen/bedroom?

At the moment there seems to be more fly-on-the-wall stuff than ever before. It seems that folks just can’t get enough of this so-called reality TV. With yet another Big Brother about to be unleashed, The Farm continues to attract 3 viewers from a Welsh valley and that thing about people on a desert island picks up another few out-of-work miners in Grimsby. People love all this voyeurism don’t they? The only programme I’ve kind of enjoyed is “I’m a Celebrity, Get me Outta Here!” although how much that was to do with Ant & Dec’s ongoing joviality is anyone’s guess. The truth is, most people watch this stuff to see who sh*gs who. One of THE most successful comedy franchises ever – “Friends” – worked on that very premise. If you listen to the writers, the reason people liked it was because they were constantly wondering which attractive individual would get it on with the other attractive individuals. I guess this has been so down the years and spawned a whole, multi-million pound porn industry. Don’t get me wrong, I know not everyone watches it for da sex although when you stop and think about how many times a day we are supposed to think about sex even if it’s subliminally then maybe we’re kidding ourselves (apologies in advance to Mary Whitehouse supporters)

Actually, I think I’m kidding MYSELF here. I rarely get a look in when it comes to TV these days. My daughter is completely obsessed with “Charmed”. So much so that she downloads the latest episode to watch from the website before Sky has even had a chance to screen it. Of course, the curse of cable can be such free access to kiddies programmes (not that “Charmed” is strictly a children’s programme and the 3 witches are rather nice to look at). There is a whole plethora of pre-teen and teen TV that my kids can happily hog for hours. My 9-year-old lad is heavily into “Fairly Odd Parents” and “SpongeBob SquarePants”. Now I have to admit that I do find SpongeBob funny and if you like “The Simpsons”, “Malcolm in the Middle” and that whole middle-class humour scene then you’ll like SpongeBob. Yes, nickelodeon, Nick Toons and even the BBC with that infernal “Tracey Beaker” (is it me or does she just shout and scream throughout every episode?) have a lot to answer for and often thwarts my attempts to impose my paternal authority on ma kids.

Those rare moments when I do get a look in means I get the chance to watch the sport (ladies of Dooyoo yawn). Now the cricket from the West Indies looks great on a 42” Plasma *grin* as does most of the sport. I just love it when the camera pans outside the ground and you get to see the Caribbean in all its glory. I really must go one day. I even watched some of the Lions game last night to launch their 2005 tour before I whipped out the “Team America, World Police” DVD (has to be the most astonishing puppet sex-scene ever filmed)

Getting serious for just one moment (if I may), the future of TV looks set. With the terrestrial giants in decline, cable and satellite look set to rule the airwaves for some time to come. Surely the BBC can’t justify the license fee system forever as this amounts to just another tax while ITV simply have to be sharper with their choice of comedy as just one thing they keep getting wrong. Of course, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, which is exactly what ITV and the mighty Beeb have done by launching additional cable channels. Spookily, there are some decent programmes on the digital additions to ITV and the Beeb.

For fans of nostalgia, cable/satellite can be a Godsend. At the mo, there are ongoing repeats of old Doctor Who programmes whilst UK Gold are re-running Red Dwarf. Not that I’m a big fan of Doctor Who although I really like the updated series with Christopher Ecclestone. It’s such a shame that both he and now Billy Piper have quit though. It kinda de-rails the resurrection a bit. I’m sure they’ll find a suitable replacement real soon although CE will be a hard act to follow as he did add credibility to a role that few people up until now ever took seriously.

I should mention Channel 5 but I can’t think of anything to say.

D’yer know, it’s curious but I hardly ever watch the news on TV. I find it so depressing. By picking up a copy of The Times on a Saturday and/or Sunday I seem to able to catch up with events at home and abroad quite quickly too. Then again, I’m in the car for at least 3 hours a day and listen to the regular bulletins even if I’m not as attentive as I might be. It’s another bizarre thing but we only really class disasters and doom and gloom as real news. Yes, we all know that the heart-warming story about Flossy the cat being recovered from a tree will feature at the end but even this is insulting our intelligence a bit really. We all smile but don’t really care about the cat do we? We just wonder who has the latest weapons of mass destruction and will they be left on the 5.20 to Brighton by a suspicious looking, Arabic man with a briefcase and umbrella.

Oh well, look..I’ve managed to avoid mentioning New York for a while (whoops) and my CD is coming to end. All I can say is that when will they finally shelve the Eurovision Song Contest? Does anyone really take all that dressing up as Vikings with leather boots and bashing out some banal Euro pop that’s forgotten the next day seriously? Who am I kidding…the Rocky Horror thing is as popular as it ever was. So that transvestite, leather clad, tub-thumping voyeurism to a catchy tune is what we’re all about after all.

Thanks for reading.

Marandina (business partner to Malcolm Glazer)

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