This is actually a topic that I know a thing or two about because I was a baseball umpire once. I tell you, I do not like how fans act, they need to understand that no matter how they feel about the umpire's calls or judgment that man (or woman) is still the ultimate authority on the field and must be treated with dignity and respect, lest the game fall into complete shambles. To me it is like a divine right to rule, God put the umpires there, and we must honor and obey them. Anybody who contests the impartial and fair judgement of a referee is unamerican and probaly should go live in Russia. As long as an umpire is impartial and consistent for both teams people, fans and Players have nothing to worry about.

See what happened is Amylee, Popeye and me went to a costume party late one October, sort like a halloween party. I could not think of any particularly offensive garb to wear and wound up borrowing some of my dad's referee uniforms. See, Kregg is actually legitimate referee, or he used to be till my mom got him to stop. He did all sorts of basketball and baseball and softball games. Apparantly he was quite well respected and even did some college games. He was all serious about it, he would do a game and come home and watch himself on the local piped TV channel to make sure he made all the right calls. He also took his appearance too seriously, like an airforce officer, his uniforms were immaculate, so this led to an endless supply of discarded zebra shirts. SO I was working at K-mart in the shoe department andit was Halloween time so I tell my dad I need a uniform since at a shoe store called "Finish Line" the help wears referee costumes. So my dad gives me some of his ratty stuff so I could be a Finish Line employee for Halloween.

So anyways we go out get loaded and crashed at Amylee's moms house. So the next morning we are driving home, by the way Amy was a German Opera star (her costume, duh, she is like a grap
hic arists or something I don't really comprehend ) and Popeye was Capt'n Crunch, the guy from the cereal. Amy was an Opera star because she really can sing and Popeye was Capt'n Crunch because he had a nice Cutlass (the sword not the Oldsmobile) and a Pea Coat and hat. On the way home we see a car crash and we are gawking and Popeye is like "Look it is Jerry Coldbrook who was on of our highschool Spainish teachers who did a lot of umpiring. He was laid out on a stretcher in his referee uniform. Blood all over (It' another Op about how I felt about this)

To us it was a no-brainer. He obviously was on his way to the nearby park to ref, so we went there and I took his place. Amy started the chicanary by singing the national anthem acapella. She did a nice job, it was very moving, Lots of people cried.

Now I had played a lot of baseball and more importantly watch a lot of TV so I knew what to do. I introduced myself to the other ref and told him my name was Ronnie James Dio since I doubt he was a Black Sabbath fan.

Basically I did what could be expected. I ran that game the way I saw fit and I did get heckled until Popeye took an active role as an enforcer for me. I probaly did a good job the first few innings until I got bored and began making bad calls just to provoke the fans and players. At first was trying to do a good job and I could not please anybody so I gave up and started provoking people. Then people would hoot and holler and I would eject them and Popeye would wave his sword and escort them out. It was fun. Amy sang "Take me out to the ballgame" during one of my declared intermissions. One time some old guy was working on me yelling that needed glasses so Amy runs out to my van and poured me two glasses of Schnapps. "She says real loud, "Here's the only glasses you need Cammie" The fans did not approve as I chugged them down.

Sadly my father saw my performance
on TV. I think he was more stricken and dismayed that made a mockery of baseball than anything else. I think it was more upsetting for him than when I got in trouble for being a volunteer in Bosnia. He did not talk to me for weeks. The city began a program of "Affirmative Identification" of refs before games.

Just for the record I enjoyed the hecklers. Maybe I enjoyed them too much. I was all animated like Leslie Nielsen in "Naked Gun", BTW would any of you think Reggie Jackson would try to kill the queen, like they need to use Reggie when there is 500,000 IRA wannbes in Boston that would be eager to kill a Royal. Anyways I started favoring one team and then there was a fistfight and I broke it up and then I tod the guys, "OK you know the rules, I want a clean fight, no low blows and when I tell you to go to a corner you go there." AfterI said that they did not want to fight. Then late in the game a runner slid into home plate and levelled the catcher and was laying on him so I got on my knees and counted "ONE, TWO, THREE" while smacking the ground and declared it a pin instead of saying if he was safe or out. Some big fat woman named Lizzie Cabot was running the scoreboard so I let her decide the trivial stuff like that call. I think the people without a vested interest in the game enjoyed it more than the players