Papa's Got An Almost New Bag (What's In Your Bag?)

Member Name: Nibelung

Product:	What's In Your Bag?
Date:	27/06/09 (34 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Vital life support

Disadvantages: Bloody heavy!

¿Qué hay en mia bolsa? Was gibt's in meinem Sack? Qu'est-ce qu'il y a dans mon sac?

OK, that's the poly-glottal padding over with - now then, what is there really in my bag?

Well, like most men, I don't normally have any need for a bag - well, that's not quite true; it's more a case of men having to make do with pockets 'cos that's all there is.

They tried launching handbags for men a while back, but the gender-bending implications meant that in general they were only taken up by men whose genders were not averse to a bit of bending. In the same way, J-P Gaultier's skirts for men never took off.

'My bag', such as it is, goes everywhere with me when I'm doing my part-time job of Cycling Instructor around local schools.

To be honest, it's more of a bike pannier with a shoulder strap.

'My bag' is more of a life-support system, something I'm sure the ladies can identify with, for my days spent largely out of doors.

MY BAG AS A COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE

OK, a rather grand title for something with a pouch for a mobile, but this comes a pre-requisite for the job. It's quite possible to be the first one to the scene of a new Cycling Training job only to find 15-odd eager little darlings already for you, mouths agog for the pearls of wisdom about to flow from your lips. Having given the introductory chat, the last thing you want to happen then is to go out onto the playground with 15 enthusiastic cyclists, all 'popping wheelies', practicing 180° skid turns and other feats of 'skill', only to find that none of your colleagues are there yet - it isn't safe, and it probably isn't legal. It doesn't matter how much you impress on them that no riding is to be done till you say so, the temptation of an empty playground is just too much for most.

Hence, I always phone into the office just to make sure that no one has also done so with a message saying they've broken down/got stuck in traffic/gone sick/resigned. If this happens, then I'm afraid that the year-6 teacher can have them back for a while until the 5th Cavalry arrives.

Combined with my dinky but basic Sony-Ericsson cell-phone, I also carry the very cheapest of PDAs, more an electronic address book really, to which I've downloaded my work schedule and the school's various timings, along with a laminated and therefore rain-proof set of instructions.

MEALS ON WHEELS = SNACKS ON STRAPS?

I don't have too many sustenance requirements, as I usually start an outdoor day with a decent breakfast, but I do like to grab a couple of bananas as 'emergency rations' before I leave the house. I don't bother with drinks in a flask since most schools do actually have a tea & coffee fund - don't forget to pay though, as some school secretaries (who run the place really, let's face it) have even taken to running down the corridor shouting financial demands with the optional menaces. Yes, why is it they're more frightening than head-teachers?

My bag is almost never without a packet of Trebor Extra Strongs - well it is until I start work on them, and then the whole packet will be gone before I know it. It therefore becomes the receptacle for sweet wrappers, only being cleared of said items about once a month!

'BICYCLE REPAIR MAN, HOW CAN WE REPAY YOU?'

Now we come to the real reason for lugging a bloody great (and quite heavy) bag everywhere - bike tools.

In theory, the children are asked to present themselves with a road-worthy bike, but in reality, this is far from the case. Some 'BMXers' even turn up without any form of front brake at all, although even our combined abilities baulk at buying new bike parts for people who don't give a damn about their children's safety - they just get sent away, I'm afraid with a list of what needs repairing. Sadly, despite the laudable aim of 'total inclusion', it's the kids who would seem to benefit most from what we're about to show them that suffer as a result.

Even when they actually have two brakes, it never fails to amaze me how little adult attention these bikes get, being rusty, stiff and flat-tyred. Quite often, the saddle tubes are so badly rusted in place that we can't raise the seat for fast-growing kids, leaving them with their knees up to their chins.

However, the most useful tools I carry in my 'mini build-a-bike' kit are my Allen Keys, bought at huge personal expense (£1 in .....errrrr.....Poundland), a box spanner with ten different dimensions (£2) and a nifty little multi-tool kit from the now sadly defunct Tchibo Coffee Shop for £4.95. Combined with a pump and the adapters needed for the various type of tyre valve, that's about it.

MY BAG AS A DELIVERY SYSTEM

There are quite a few film buffs amongst us, for some strange reason. Some weeks, my bag may see the trafficking of several DVDs as we operate our own swap library. Not only that, but as word gets around that you're a 'bit handy' in other directions, my bag may contains anything from a bit of metal I've straightened out for someone, a CD-ROM with a database/spreadsheet I've knocked up for them, or some photos from my latest travels for anyone silly enough to sound interested.

In the past, I've carried a minidisk or mp3 personal stereo, but I found these anti-social, especially as I've much better things to do at lunchtime than sit in a school staff room on my own time (we're not paid to take lunch).

MY BAG AS A WARDROBE

Working outdoors for most of the year means being prepared for all weathers. It's easy enough to protect against the cold before going out, and anyway, it's an active job, so there's no need to look like Rannulph Fiennes, but rain is something else, so I also carry a lightweight set of baggy waterproofs, which can slip over existing up clothing and even leggings for when it starts raining stair-rods. Any children not suitably dressed have to go indoors rather than steam for the rest of the day, but we press on unless the weather is so bad it prevents us from riding a bike ourselves. I also carry some of those reflective and fluorescent Velcro® straps which I use as cycle clips, and one of those 'hi-viz' vests that make me look like a street sweeper.

MY BAG AS A WEAPON OF MASS CONCUSSION - aka IT'S A MEAN SON OF A B....AG

It's only at the testing stage yet, having dropped it on my foot, but one good swing would render an assailant unconscious I'm guessing. This is one bag that's not for dancing around at discos.

WHAT MY BAG LACKS

Unlike my wife's handbag which looks quite small really but somehow manages to house the entire contents of our middle bedroom, my own bag is less Tardis-like, and occasionally looks like it's about to burst at the seams, which strangely enough is why one of these days, "Papa's gonna have to get a brand new bag!"

The major failing of my bag is ironically, its size. It's so deep and dark in there (yes, why couldn't the interior be made of a light colour?), that I nearly always have to half-empty it to find just one thing, which is particularly annoying as I never get my mitts on the mobile till it's finished ringing.

Well that's my bag. What's yours like?

Summary: Confessions of bicycle repair man