Ugly Bloody Woman! (Worst Movie You've Ever Seen?)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	Worst Movie You've Ever Seen?
Date:	23/10/06 (242 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None

Disadvantages: They suck

I love movies, I really do but when they go wrong there’s really nothing more frustrating. I can probably think of lots of movies that I would consider catastrophically bad. “Memento” was one that springs to mind although it wouldn’t feature in my pantheon of all time howlers. Come to think of it, most sequels invariably suck and look no further than the incredulous sequels to the equally ridiculous “Friday 13th” which has spawned Lordy knows how many spin-off movies that feature one unconnected killing after another. Basic gore and violence can’t make up for a lack or even absence of plot Mr Director.

If I had to narrow this category down to two, then my ultimate bad movie would be a toss up between “Top Gun” and “Pretty Woman”. “Top Gun “ heralds from 1986 and the Tony Scott directed buddy movie starred Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis. The plot surrounds…erm….Maverick (you have to be kidding) who happens to be the hottest pilot in town. When he encounters a pair of MiGs over the Persian Gulf, his wingman freaks out and, of course, with virtually no fuel, Maverick is able to talk him back down to the Carrier. When his wingman turns in his wings, Maverick is moved up in the standings and sent to the Top Gun Naval Flying School. Together with “Goose” they form an indomitable partnership whilst Cruise’s character gets the girl (McGillis) and gets to take part in lots of impossible flying sequences. I understand that there was an advisor from the US Air Force who acted as consultant during the movie and warned the director repeatedly from turning the movie into an over-the-top melodrama of a production. Sadly, that warning wasn’t heeded and we ended up with one of the worst movies of all time. Needless to say it made a fortune at the box office. If this was my worst movie of all time I’d go into a lot more detail about just how horrid it is but, it isn’t so I won’t. The only good thing that came from “Top Gun” is the subsequent parody that featured regularly in Red Dwarf who came up with their own rendition of the warbling, corny music from the movie and the wonderful Ace Rimmer as a p*ss take of…erm….Maverick *manly growl*. “Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back in time for breakfast”

Nope, “Top Gun” comes a close second to….*drum roll*….yep, you guessed it: “Pretty Woman”. Made in 1990 and directed by Garry Marshall, the movie was billed as a fable cum love story starring the vomit inducing Julia Roberts and the equally bilious Richard Gere. With Gere a lawyer (Edward Lewis) and Roberts a hooker (Vivian Ward), the story kicks off when Roberts is asked for directions. Rather than giving the usual babble of an answer that the rest of us give - follow the road down to the bottom then turn left followed by a right then take the next turning by the police station blah, blah - nope, the pretty prosser says she’s going to charge for directions and then jumps in the car when offered some money. Yeah, right. The rest of the movie is the utterly absurd notion that the glamorous looking prostitute who looks like she’s jumped straight of the centrefold of a glossy will get it on with the high fallutin lawyer. I hate the movie on so many levels. It was nominated for awards - why? Julia Roberts was nominated as best actress for an Oscar - why? Doesn’t anybody out there realise that stuff like this doesn’t happen to prostitutes? I mean, you can’t see Wayne Rooney picking up a kerb crawler and then eventually marry her. No - he’d still be rinsing out her false teeth afterwards. I shudder to think of all the teenage girls that watched this movie and thought that being a woman of the night could somehow turn into something good. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’ve never liked Julia Roberts much, what with her big lips and body doubles used in other movies. She even stank as “Tinkerbell” in Spielberg’s “Hook” I’m not that fond of Gere either. He’s all white teeth and dashing demeanour when we all know he really wants a kebab and a bottle of Newkie Brun like everyone else. The script is supposed to be startlingly funny but lines like “Vivian: That would make you a... lawyer. Edward Lewis: What makes you think I'm a lawyer? Vivian: You have that sharp, useless look about you. I mean, what’s funny about that? Oh yeah and that polo scene where Vivian’s whooping and a hollering whilst all the other porsh ladies are looking at her all gone out and she says something about using him for sex. Oh look, this is just a very, very bad movie and I forbid you all from watching it.

Thanks for reading

Mara

Summary: Bad Movies