Heading ‘em off at the Bass (Bass Ale)

Member Name: fruitcake

Product:	Bass Ale
Date:	09/08/01 (709 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Cheap,, made with Burton-on-Trent water, , widely available in cans and on draught

Disadvantages: Very sweet,, goes down a bit *too* easily,, heads you drink it/heads you don’t…

“ ‘Ow many times we gotta tell ye, ye don’t pull Bass wi’ a ‘ead on!” The old guy let out a gentle sigh of exasperation; doubtless rueing the day his local had seen fit to employ a barmaid of such blinding density. I took his glass from him and stared into its murky depths. Two bubbles sat insolently on the surface, to be rewarded for their cheek by a one-way ticket to the nearest drip tray.

I don’t blame my barmaiding days for introducing me to cantankerous old men, who can be found in all walks of life, but I hold them fully responsible for introducing me to Bass, and the probable subsequent departure of half my liver. Every morning, my non-beer drinking, but perfectionist boss would draw a Bass, hand it to me, and ask, “What do you think, then?” From ‘Knockout’ to ‘We’ve got a dead skunk in the pipes’, I passed verdict on them all. It wasn’t such a bad job, really…

Sales of Bass far exceeded everything we sold, and even today the stuff still enjoys the same popularity. At 4.4%, it’s hardly the strongest thing you can get your neck round, but it’s so easily drinkable that you can be dancing on tables juggling ashtrays before you can remember what day it is (and no, I didn’t. There was that incident with the Alsatian and the Brussels sprouts though…).

As with any other beer, the chief ingredient of Bass is water, but the water in Bass is something special, reputed to give it its allegedly famed flavour. Forget Lourdes - Burton-on-Trent, home of the Bass brewery since 1777, has been the place of pilgrimage for beer fanatics for centuries, owing to what’s indisputably the best brewing water you can get. Napoleon was said to be such a fan of Bass that he tried to reproduce it at his own brewery in France, but failed because of the difference in local water quality. Not tonight, Josephine? I suppose such little let-do
wns are what happens when you can’t keep your fella out of the boozer.

According to the official website, http://www.bassale.com/ (which, interestingly, depicts a pint with a head so thick you could lag pipes with it), Bass has even been immortalized by such artists as Manet and Picasso. I myself have often been called a Bass artist too, or something not unlike it, so I’m clearly in very good company. Well known writers including Rudyard Kipling and John Osbourne have gotten in on the act as well; in a quote from Dorothy L. Sayers’ ‘The Nine Tailors’, a Mr. Donnington expands on my cranky customer’s thoughts that ‘you just can’t get the staff these days’...

“…You have to be able to trust your cellarman. I had a chap once that never could be taught not to pack his Bass ‘ead down in the basket, same as if it was stout. Now stout will stand being stood on its ‘ead though it’s not a thing I ever would do myself and I don’t recommend it, but Bass must be stood right ways up and not shook about if you’re to do justice to the beer."

Turning it upside down and shaking it all about? Perish the thought. I think I need a drink. While tinny-flavoured Bass in cans is obviously not quite the same as draught (and without the same variations in quality), I’m willing to selflessly undertake further research on your behalf, oh Gentle Reader, and so a Bass (or several) is about to be the order of the day.

I’d actually forgotten quite how sweet Bass can be, and with or without its head, I’m not sure I’m keen. At £3.99 for four cans though, it does compare favourably with other beers of its type, and slips easily down the throat. Mmm, I’d forgotten how moreish this can be. It’s got a lovely golden brown colour to it, and the most gorgeous smell. I’d forgotten how much I like thish shtuff. Ish’ quite good
really.

Well, thash’ it for now. <hic> I’d besht get off. Did I ever tell you lot that I really, really *lurve* y’all? Honeshtly… <hic>

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