Writing juice (Ciders in general)

Member Name: frannyfortune

Product:	Ciders in general
Date:	22/07/01 (188 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: see op

Disadvantages: see op

You may have noticed that I'm not exactly the most prolific opinion writer on here. I would love to write more frequently, but find it very hard to find the inspiration and lose the self-consciousness enough to put my thoughts into words. Today, for instance, I woke up determined not to let another week go by before I inflicted more of my obsessions on you lovely people. In the morning, I sat around in my pyjamas, musing gently on what I wanted to review. In the afternoon, I browsed through categories and read a few ops, getting that familiar sinking feeling that maybe I was just going to have to put it off till another day. Evening approached and found me pacing up and down, sniping at the poor soul that has to live with me, and generally making a total nuisance of myself.

"Just write something and get it out of your system, for heaven's sake," he said eventually, only slightly less politely.

"I caaa-aan't," I whined.

"Look, I'm going to get you some cider. That normally does the trick. When I get back from the shop you'd better have made your mind up what you're going to write about." (Door slams.)

Hmm. He's right. Cider should relax me a bit and help me get going. They ought to rename it 'Writing Juice'. While I'm waiting for him to get back with the business, I'll think about my op. What's important to me in life? What experiences do I want to share with other people? What makes me happy? What gives me a wide and varied range of emotions, in fact, as happiness gets so samey after a while, doesn't it?

Oops, he's back. Quick, think of something. He glowers at me and pours a glass of the golden stuff. Glug, glug, glug, fizz...

"Good, you've started, I see. What's it about?"

Quick nervous sip. Mmm, lovely. Have a longer sip. Mmmm...this really is gorgeous stuff. AHA! Inspiration! It's obvious. Ci
der is the answer. To everything, probably. And my problems are over, while yours have only just begun...

~First pint~

(Clears throat) Right, well, cider. It's an alcoholic drink traditionally made from fermented apple juice. 'Natural cider' relies on the wild yeast present in the apples, and has no added ingredients. The mass-produced ciders have a yeast culture added, and are usually made with apple concentrate at best (I wouldn't be surprised if some of them had never seen an apple, to be honest). The mass-produced ciders also have sugar and sweeteners added, to give that bland, safe taste that the customer loves. Natural ciders are more likely to be still, while mass-produced brands are usually carbonated. Natural ciders go through a wonderfully archaic-sounding process involving things called 'pomace', 'cheese' (not that sort, it's the term for the apple pulp once wrapped in nylon – or straw, if they’re really being traditional about it - ready for pressing), and 'must'. It takes around three months to make. The mass produced cider-makers are keeping fairly quiet about how they make their product, which is probably a good thing. I drink enough of the stuff; I bet I don't want to know what is in it. I wish I was drinking the real thing, to be honest, but they don't tend to sell it in your local Spar. More on 'real' ciders later.


~Second pint~

Cider has quite an interesting history, for an alcoholic drink. In 55 BC, when the Romans invaded Britain, they found the locals in Kent drinking a cider-style beverage. Apparently it didn't take them long to appreciate its wonderful qualities, and Julius Caesar is said to have been a bit of a cider-head. Which just makes me wonder how they built all their roads so straight.

During mediaeval times, cider-making became an important industry, and by the middle of the seventeenth century, almost every f
arm had its own cider orchard and press. Aah, those must have been the days. I can just see myself dressed in one of those cute milkmaid outfits, feeding the pigs and quaffing the odd glass fresh from the vat. Industrialisation changed all this, of course, but these days cider is making a bit of a comeback, and gaining in popularity amongst both purist Real Ale style drinkers, and lads in clubs.

~Third pint~

Well, that's quite enough sensible cider history, I think. I’m not a cider anorak or anything, and did most of my research on the site www.history-of-cider.com. Ooh - I've just noticed, on that site it says an English poet called J.Philips wrote an epic poem in 1708, in two volumes, entitled simply 'Cyder'. Hee hee! Sounds like my kind of bloke. Bet he'd be a good laugh down the pub.

Which gets me thinking of other literary cider references. You’ve probably heard of John Irving's novel 'The Cider House Rules', or perhaps the film which won an Oscar for best screenplay, also by John Irving. I know that he'd be a good laugh down the pub, because I've met him. I have, honest. He’s lovely. Sigh...really lovely...(pulls self together hurriedly) and also nothing much to do with cider, sorry about that.

Ermm...ooh – 'Cider With Rosie' – there's another one. Hah! Bet you thought I couldn't think of any more! Well, actually I can't. There are no more literary cider references. Nope.

This section's a bit short, now. Hmm. I know, haha, I'll tell you a story. Another reason that I tend to stick to shop-bought or big brand cider these days is that the real thing tends to send me a bit funny. There's this stuff called 'Thatchers' and it's about 9%. Only me and an ex-boyfriend didn't know that when we started drinking it on a terribly grown-up and civilised, let's-prove-we-can-still-be-friends-type of lunchtime
drink we had. After one pint, I was having a really fun time. After two pints, I started to wonder why we’d ever split up – I mean, what a funny, nice guy he was! Brilliant! I noticed the bar staff smirking as I ordered the third. After that one, we realised something was badly wrong and managed to focus enough to work out that what we had just done, was to drink three pints of something nearly as strong as wine, as if it were lemonade. We made our excuses and left, dribbling at, and on, each other. He came in for a coffee, and something very silly could have happened, if it wasn't for the fact that we both fell asleep for 6 hours, on the floor, before drinking any coffee, and felt far too bad when we woke up, to do more than grunt. Bad one. Of course, you don’t get that with this weak stuff I'm drinking now. It's only about...(looks at bottle)...ah, well it's six percent actually, so a bit more than I thought. But it's fine. It's just apples, you see? Healthy and natural. Quite good for you, really, I expect.

~Pint the fourth~

Ooh – I just made a joke. It's like 'the Hunting of the Snark', d'you see? 'Pint the fourth' – hahaahahaaa. Oooh, I love this. Sitting together having a chat. You're such a good listener, you know. Did I ever tell you about the time when I met John Irving? Oh, sorry, course I did. Did you know, when you smile, your eyes have these lovely little creases at the corners? It's really nice, actually. Do it again.

Wish I could think of a cider-related song. There must be one. How about the Levellers? They must drink cider...ooh, I know, (sings loudly) "Fancy a drink? Just the one, to clear your head, we won’t be long...The rest is blank, and that's the worst, an empty head for an empty purse, you had a laugh, or so you think, but in the morning you just stink"...they're so funny, aren't they?

Oh, a
re you going to the toilet? Get us some cigarettes while you're there, eh? Yes, I know had a full packet earlier, I just seem to have smoked them all, ok? And get us some of those little scampi things, too. And while you're at the bar, get another round in, I've nearly finished this one. Well of course I'd remembered we're not actually in a pub. Do you think I’m stupid? It was a figure of speech. I just need my drink topping up, is all. Forget the scampi things, then.

Where's those cute little wiggly things I was using earlier for the section headings? Can't see them on the keyboard. Poo. Oh well, try these instead:

#Fifth pint#

Well, anyway, I've said a few things about how great cider is, and how it makes you lose your inhibitions, and helps you relax, and stuff. You see, I've always felt a bit shy around people – no, really, I have. Well, everyone says that, I don't *seem* like a shy person, but, y'know, with you I can be the real me. And you see, all my life, I've felt, well, that I wasn't good enough. In fact, I've had quite a sad life, atcherly. Oops, sorry, didn't mean to get snot on your shirt. It's just that, nobody really understands me...except you. You're my best friend, y'know. Can I have a hug? Pleeease? Yes, ok, I'll blow my nose first, then. Sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm so crap.

Yes, of course I know that drinking to give yourelf confidence is the first sign of being an alcoholic. D'you think I don't know that? What? Don't I feel guilty for writing an op about something that makes so many people's lives a misery, and breaks up up homes, and ruins people's health, and plays a large factor in the crime rates, and costs the NHS millions of pounds every year? Ermm...naaaaah. Julius Ceesar liked it, didn't he? Hah. Nevverdid him any harm. Look, I don't like the tone you're takign with me. Yes,
I di d spell that wrong on prupose. No, I am not gettnig shirty. Your a tossser, anyway. Gettuz a drink and shtuup.

Sisth pint

and sod those wigglty things, they were crap awynay. Look, cider is great, rihgt? Izfekkin great. I luvvit, me. Hleps me write op thingys. 'Wrtinig jiuce' – hah – that wzfunny. Lauggh, you gits.

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