Sheer Mocha-ry (Douwe Egberts Instant Mocha)

Member Name: gothiron

Product:	Douwe Egberts Instant Mocha
Date:	14/01/02 (494 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Suitable for vegetarians, Pack looks nice

Disadvantages: It's vile, really vile, absolutely gross

I must be having a bit of bad time of it at the moment as far as being taken in by “new” products.

I am a self confessed coffee-maniac, but in recent years have adopted the quality not quantity approach, so am always on the lookout for ways to make it worth keeping my ageing but functional cappuccino machine (bought at a time when even the cheaper ones were dear), and avoid the instant coffees. I know that makes me a coffee snob, but no amount of advertising will ever convince me that instant is as good as ground.

For me, Douwe Egberts are the pinnacle of coffee producers, in the business since 1753 and a byword for quality, so when I saw the attractively packaged foil bag marked Douwe Egberts Coffee Mocha I though why not give it a go, what better way to combine the two greatest pleasures in life, coffee & chocolate. Now, rivetted reader, you may have noticed that the product heading is D E Instant Frothy Mocha Coffee, well good for you, that’s more than I did.

Ripping open the ground coffee style bag, I tipped the rather odd coloured contents into the coffee machine and waited. And waited. Noticing that the machine was steaming alarmingly at the top but only dribbling out the beverage at a piddling rate, I guessed something was up. Yep, one gummed up coffee machine later, I glared at the packet only to be struck by the word Instant shining out at me. Oh, you make it in a mug, with boiling water then, not in the machine – that would tend to agree with the word “Instant”. Still gasping for my “coffee shop experience” frothy mocha, I did what all true Brits do in a crisis and put the kettle on.

The Mocha Moment beckoned. Whitish & brown speckled powder tipped into favourite (OK, only clean) mug, boiling water added. Result, somewhat scummy, light brown liquid that smelt of, well, coffee. No wafting aromas of chocolate or heady notes of earthy moss (wine tasters have n
othing on coffee lovers when they get going), just that faintly soapy smell of vending machine brew with an antiseptic overhint. Deciding it must taste better than it smelt, I took a mouthful. And promptly spat it out, it was vile. The most abominable combination of weakest coffee and merest hint of the cheapest hot chocolate possible. This can’t be right, maybe I’d missed something important.

Given that the front of the packet had given the clue “Instant”, maybe the back of the packet might yield more info on what I’d done wrong this time. “Instructions” – that looks promising.

What you are meant to do is add 5 teaspoons or 2 scoops (nice vague amount) into a cup, if being so unrefined as to use a mug you need to “adjust the amount accordingly”, add a little cold water and blend into a paste “for ultimate froth” and then add hot “not boiling” water and enjoy your “coffee shop experience in the comfort of your own home”. So I had totally got that wrong.

Having followed the instructions to the letter, what were the results?

Well, it was certainly frothy rather than scummy but other than that, the same results as per the “bung it in and hope” method were obtained – totally yuck. It tastes insipid, smells off putting, looks like weak mud (because it was ground once, boom boom!) and leaves horrible dark brown skid marks at the bottom of the cup (so that’s where the cocoa went).

If this had been a 99p for 10, stripey saver brand instant cappucino effort, it would have been tolerable, but this was Douwe Egberts, bastions of coffee creators and £1.99 for 200g! I really had expected something better, a drinkable coffee for a start. This pitiful effort of a drink has nothing to commend it taste-wise, other than it is better than stewed thermos coffee, and it certainly doesn’t taste like any “
;coffee shop experience” I’ve ever had. Maybe British Rail circa 1968, but I have a feeling Starbucks won’t be quaking in its beans over this newcomer. Apparently there is an “exciting cappuccino option” available as well. I think my system has had quite enough excitement.

I have another major gripe, this time about the design of the packet. Not only is this pack designed to make other gullible Gothirons out there think it is ground coffee, the “imposter” coffee packet had no way of resealing the bag, ready for the next lucky victim of Mocha Madness. Most packets nowdays have a resealable tab to keep the contents fresh and dry, not so Frothy Mocha. One mangy elastic band later, the packet was consigned to that part of the cupboard designated as “Things to Give To Dad Next Time I See Him”

So, in case it hasn’t been blinding obvious that not only have I been duped again by a gimmicky product and can’t make a simple cup of coffee, my verdict on this product is just don’t buy it, it’s horrible.

Says it makes 16 cups – well anyone else want the other 13?

Summary: