SUCK ME INSIDE OUT (Mars Maltesers)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	Mars Maltesers
Date:	30/08/03 (1991 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Lovely, lovely, No gelatin

Disadvantages: You may be allergic to chocolate

Well it's been a while since I sucked one. You have to admit that there's nothing better than pursing those lips and feeling that sloppy substance slipping down the back of your throat. Now, at this point and knowing the reprobates on Dooyoo, there'll be a certain amount of sniggering behind hands or shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. No need, though, because I am talking about the insane pleasure of popping one of those brown spheres into one's orifice. Dagnabit, that's not really much better is it? I mean, sucking a chocolate Malteser so that the chocolate coating slowly unravels and works it's way down the back of one's aquiline throat.

Malteser has been an established brand name for years. I mean, it's part of the bigger Mars confectionery family. For those who like a bit of background: Cast your minds back to 1911 and whilst that would make you very old, you might remember Frank Mars and his wife Ethel (lovely name, Ethel) making and selling a variety of butter-cream candies from a kitchen of their home in Tacoma, Washington. A few years on in 1920, Frank came up with the idea of producing a version of chocolate, malted milk that could be enjoyed anywhere. The result was the Milky Way bar - known in Europe, at that time, as the Mars bar. It was an immediate success.

Maltesers came along later as well as other renowned brands such as Snickers (Marathons to old gits like me in days gone by) & the more US-centric M & Ms. Malteser does appear to be a product designed for the British market judging by the number of websites offering to import the product into the US.

There's so many things you can do with a Malteser <<dips into imagination>>

 You can slip them into a cake. The crunchy aspect of Maltesers makes them an ideal layering for a nice wee cake. Of course, you could use them for decoration as part of the cake's surface e.g. it might be a footie cake so you'll
need some chocolate footballs so why not use Maltesers?

 You can lick your digits as the melted chocolate runs down them on a hot day. This only really applies on very hot days where it's approaching 100 degrees Fahrenheit and you've allowed the contents of your packet to start melting. Then again, that was most days this summer!

 You can roll them down hills if you've nothing better to do. I've heard of a *Secret Society in MK that sets up Malteser hill-rolling competitions but the stakes are high so if you get involved take the utmost care (very popular on the one hill in Milton Keynes)

 You can slip them into hot drinks making them a very crunchy, chocolatey concoction that keeps the cold out on a winter's eve. Saying that, there is a Malteser hot drink that you can buy anyway so you'd only be a cheapskate making your own (money may be tight, though, so don't rule it out)

Maltesers are easy to spot. They come in a bright red package with...erm...Malteser emblazoned across the front, which might be a bag you can tear open with your teeth (just to impress your partner) or even a larger box, which is the one my ma-in-law always opts for. I did nip over the road the other day to fetch her a bag but she was most disappointed that I'd picked up the standard 37g bag as opposed to the King size 175g version. The former costs around 37p depending on where you shop whilst the latter might be more around the £1 mark. Either way, *she threatened to insert me into her next schedule of crocodile wrestling under the name of "1deadcroc". Luckily, I managed to placate her with a sharp stick and a strong cup of tea.

Mars being the innovators they are (and wanting to flog as many bags as poss) have also come up with wee fun size bags for the young 'uns which you can buy in larger bags containing around a dozen which are ideal for those hungry ankle snappers and eeeee
especially useful for pass the parcel type games at children's parties.

Ma wifee (and ma-in-law's) favourite are the little cardboard boxes that you can
buy coming in the customary red livery. These boxes are also handy for all sorts of things after you've finished but whilst picking away they do have a handy little cardboard flap that allows desperate fingers to keep slipping in and out of the box. Ma boy has managed to re-use the boxes for all manner of creative creations so don't just throw the box away will you?

Yikes, 750 words in and no taste test. Okey, dokey <<flicks one into mouth>>. Mmmmmmm.....Malteser taste of lovely chocolate coating which can be sucked slowly. In the middle of each ball is a sweet honeycomb centre that can be sucked too or simply crunched to bring your pleasure to a climax (you remember that feeling, don't you?). The name of the product may give this away but there is a distinct maltiness to the centre but that might be because it's made from malt dough. It is possible to look decidedly unattractive by having chocolate smeared all over one's teeth as a result but a quick flick of the tongue can soon put this right. If you're a converted vegetarian like me, then you'll be keen to ensure that there are no animal products inside. The good news is that there is no gelatine and for those that like to make sure the contents of a typical packet are detailed below:

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Milk Chocolate, Glucose Syrup, Malt extract, Skimmed milk powder, Wheat Flour, Sugar (lots of it), HydrogenatedVegetable fat, Gelling agent (pectin), Whey Powder, Raising agent (sodium bicarbonate), Salt, Emulsifiers (E442, Soya Lecithin)
and Flavouring.

37g packet contains 183 calories, (about 10 calories per Malteser) and 8.5g of fat.
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Maltsers come in all kinds of varieties these days. There's even Malteser ice-cream but that's another opinion (God help us). Special memories of Maltesers? Well, there's the time a packet saved my life on a train. There I am sitting comfortably whilst on my way to Crewe, next thing someone pulls the emergency chord and the train judders to a halt. The door flies open threatening me with being ejected violently onto the railway track but then this big bag of Maltesers reaches over and pulls me back into the carriage. Oh..erm..that was actually a dream I had the other night. No, I'm sure I've had Maltesers in a million different situations as they are very more-ish and once you've started the bag (or box) you can't stop!

If you do like the sound if this chocolate sensation then they are available just about everywhere really from your local corner shop to your large superstore. Maltesers have been around a long time and is an established brand name with a huge budget devoted to advertising it. You've bound to have come across at least one ad but then the product is a good one with little to compare with it in the market. As such, I have to give it 5 stars and a big thumbs up. Go eat a bag!

Thanks for reading and have a nice weekend

Marandina


*Complete fabrication and generally untrue

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