Marvellous Mould! (Stilton)

Name: Ophelia

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Product:	Stilton
Date:	06/06/02 (311 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Delicious, mouldy, smelly

Disadvantages: Mould if you don't like that sort of thing - weirdo!

For the purposes of this opinion I should be grateful if you would pop a CD into your player of traditional Greek bazouki players. Those of you who are without benefit of such an album should hum along while you read or ask a member of the family or next-door neighbour to sing to you for the duration.

The reason for this strange request, as some of you may have already realised, is that it is nigh on impossible to think about any sort of cheese without Monty Python's 'Cheese Emporium' sketch. Imagine if you will that I am Michael Palin and this is my cheese emporium. Hmm, if this opinion is to get anything other than a NU rating it is at this point the comparison breaks down as the Python cheese shop had no cheese whatsoever and I do not want to be shot by fellow dooyooers. 'What a senseless waste of human life'.

Eeeeeek (sound of mental brakes screeching to a halt). Click (pressing rewind button). 'life human of...Palin....cheese...duration....purposes the For.'

Okay, let's start again.

THE CHEESE

Stilton. Arguably Britain's second most famous cheese but without doubt this nation's most renowned blue veined cheese, elbowing mighty contenders such as Blue Vinney and Blue Wensleydale out of the running.

The traditional stilton is white to buttermilk yellow in base colour with rich blue veins running throughout. It is soft and moist to the tongue and can have a lovely crumbly texture. The blue veins, as many a young child has observed, consist of mould. I once saw a photo of stilton under a microscope and unfortunately numerous little beasties were to be seen crawling about on the surface of the food. However, before you rid your cheese boards of this delicacy, remember the frightening statistics about the number of bed bugs who share your beds and that you swallow on average about five spiders a year in your sleep. Need you be so choosey about with whom you sha
re your stilton?

White stilton is, as the name might suggest (to anyone other than a brain dead mollusc), a purely white version of the cheese. Those of you with an irrational disliking of eating small crawling insects will be overjoyed to hear that this variety of stilton contains no mould (although this state cannot be guaranteed to continue if left in a single male's fridge's vegetable drawer, as it will remain untouched until the fridge breaks down or is sold to fund a sever aftershave habit).

Other varieties include Admirals cheese, which is cheddar with port layered with blue stilton (pause while I wipe the drool from my keyboard) and white stilton is often combined with apricots or nuts in delicatessens or your friendly Marks and Sparks food hall (don't forget to take out a mortgage before shopping for dinner).

STILTON AND I

Being a bit of an alcofrolic at heart I have always liked to eat my stilton while drinking port. Not necessarily at New Year, as is traditional, but any time I can get near the alcohol cabinet.

Last year all my dreams were answered as the Cheese Fairy visited me for Christmas. I was extremely relieved that the fairy did not visit in traditional tutu and ballet shoes, as the fairy came in the shape of my father who presented me on Christmas day with the marvellous present of a bottle of port and an ENTIRE stilton! Those of you who have found themselves staring transfixed into the window of a delicatessen until moved on by the police (or is that just me?) will know that an entire stilton is enormous.

After I had eaten as much stilton as I could until my port supply ran dry (as had every off licence within a 10 mile radius), I then tried to find various friends and relatives willing to take on a slice or two of the delicious cheese. Unfortunately I was still left with rather a large amount and by this time I was rather fed up of my entire house smelling like Linford Ch
ristie's running shoes and so had to relegate the remaining cheese to cooking fodder.

RECIPES

Starter: Stilton and Grape Avocados (serves 4)

2 ripe avocados, halved and stoned
A dollop of lemon juice
100 g (4 oz) blue stilton, crumbled
75 g (3 oz) black seedless grapes, halved
45 ml (3 tbsp) sour cream

1. Scoop flesh from avocados and put in bowl.
2. Add lemon juice, stilton, grapes and cream and mix together.
3. Spoon back into avocado shells.
4. Garnish with a grape!

Main Course: Steak with Stilton Sauce (serves 2)

Dead cow or if your butcher is obliging, 2 sirloin steaks
1 chopped onion
30 ml (2 tbsp) sherry (let your hand shake though)
100 ml (4 floz) double cream
50 g (2 oz) blue stilton, crumbled
15 ml (1 tbsp) chopped chives

1. Fry onion.
2. Add sherry and boil for 1 minute
3. Add cream and boil for 1 minute
4. Stir in stilton and chives
5. Serve with steaks (don?t forget to cook those too)

Pudding: Stilton and Banana Sandwich (serves 2)

4 slices of bread
butter
1 banana, peeled and sliced
dollop of lemon juice
50 g (2 oz) blue stilton, crumbled
2 spring onions, sliced

1. Spread butter on bread.
2. Dip banana in lemon juice.
3. Arrange banana slices and stilton on 2 slices of bread.
4. Cover with remaining slices of bread.

GIVE STILTON A CHANCE

I hope this has inspired you to rush out to your local purveyor of cheese and demand a slice of his (or her) finest creamy stilton. Try some of the recipes - the starter is very quick to make, can be made in advance which is ideal for dinner parties, and is extremely delicious.

Just one word of warning, do not store your stilton in the airing cupboard.

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