You've Got to be Kidding Nicole (Chanel: N°5, Eau de Parfum)

Member Name: susie19

Product:	Chanel: N°5, Eau de Parfum
Date:	08/02/07 (704 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I can't think of a single one.

Disadvantages: Wear it, taste it - too numerous to mention.

I like Nicole Kidman. She’s smart and sassy and strikingly attractive, slim not skinny and her eyes sparkle. We have so much in common other than her red hair and blue eyes, her celebrity status and bank balance and hmm those legs up to armpits. Oh and she can act as well and she’s single. Never mind, I still like her though. Then I saw her as the new face of Chanel No 5. Oh Nicole, how could you?

I have always wanted to write a review about something that I have strong negative vibes about and Chanel No 5 fits the bill perfectly. Let me tell you how and why.

In my single but going out with potential hubby days, Mr19 asked when what I’d like for Christmas. I named an Yves Saint Laurent perfume which I really, really wanted. Unfortunately and unbeknown to me, whilst Christmas shopping he happened to bump into a mutual friend of ours who told him that I would much prefer a bottle of classy No 5 instead. It would show that he was extravagant and willing to spoil me. How wrong was she (and how come I let her come to the wedding after that)?

Chanel No 5 may have been around for years and be classed as a luxury and timeless fragrance, but my nosebuds (copyright - my invented word) absolutely detest it. Imagine my horror then when my expected YSL turned out to be a humungous bottle of the vile stuff. Oh no, my heart sank into my fluffy pink slippers. I obliging sprayed some on and pretended to be grateful. He explained how Sarah had suggested he get me this instead and I secretly wanted to throttle her.

Chanel No 5 is to me the essence of old ladies. It wreaks of mutton dressed as lamb, of surburbian Towns Women’s Guild members. It is in every way a dreadful assault on the senses. You don’t only have to smell the scent whilst wearing it, you also have to taste it. I know of no other perfume that invades the senses like Chanel No 5. It somehow gets into your mouth and sticks to your tastebuds no matter where on your body you spray it. I’ve tried spraying my legs instead of my neck to avoid this but the fine particles seem to fill the air and next thing they’re in your mouth and settled onto your tastebuds. It is true that I have been known to rinse my mouth out with all sorts of things to get rid of the taste to little avail.

Chanel No 5 has been around since the 1920s and it shows (like mothballs). It is supposedly the elegant and sophisticated fragrance worn by the likes of Marilyn Monroe and ladies of high society. No 5 was the first perfume to combine floral essences and aldehydes so it is perhaps the aldehydes that my buds turn their nose up to. These aldehydes are found in the top notes along with Neroli from Grasse (flower of the bitter orange tree), Ylang-Ylang from the Comoros, whilst the middle notes are Grasse Jasmine and May Rose. The Base notes are Sandalwood, Vetiver and Bourbon Vanilla. Interpret those ingredients as you will, the sum total is the smell of old ladies with a pungency of acrid bitterness akin to public toilets. Ah yes it’s pure eau de toilet or should that be odour toilet.

The aroma or pungency of Chanel No 5 is very distinctive. I can detect it very readily and if in enclosed spaces it actually makes me feel sick. Once at a musical concert, I had to swap seats with my sister for fear that I would pass out with the fumes from the lady sat in the row in front of me. It was a classical concert (I should have predicted No 5 might be present and armed myself with an oxygen mask).

It is very hard for me to understand why this perfume continues to sell. I can only guess that those who wear it have lost their nasal senses but judging by the number of 5 star reviews on this product, I guess I just have weird nosebuds. Chanel No 5 is expensive and costs from around £35 for 50ml eau de toilette. I suspect that Ms Kidman can’t stand it either but the $5m deal was just too tempting.

Years after I married hubby I did confess that I really had hated that first Christmas present. I had to, his mother kept buying me more. Finally then, the moral of this review… woman know what they like and men will never understand them.

PS If you love this fragrance please do not be offended, I’m sure it smells much nicer on you.

Thanks for reading.

Summary: Nicole is laughing all the way to the bank, smelling beyond her years.