I. INTRODUCTION:

The Bottom Line: If you don't have good ventilation, you'd stand a better chance of survival just setting your house on fire and burning the bugs out... .

A. B-ing Bugged By Buxom-Bottomed Blondes & Buzzin' B's

Blighty boys & babes, beetle-batterers & bug-bashers, before I bury you in B.S., beware; a beautiful blonde I barely know, but know barely, brazenly bet her bed-worthy body I'd break, be beaten by the B's & back in bed, bumpin' bottoms before I'd be able to bang out this bugspray bombshell. Bruthas, you best believe I bit the bait. But now I'm biting the bullet, because I blew the buzzer. I'm still banging out this bad-boy. Bummer! The by-line's a bit behind, but the bigger bulk of my back-breaking burden bends before me. Bah! No big deal! I'm a big boy. I may BlTCH, but I'm barely beaten. I'll burn before I bend over, break or beg for a band-aid. Besides, you've benignly borne the burden of my bitter babble and boring blather with bounteous benevolence. Blessed be your blindly bestowing me with the benefit of your best beliefs. I'm beholden to your boundless beneficence. It betokens better boot than the bombastic bottom-feedings of my brash banter. It behooves my breaking the bonds of brain-block besetting my blotter, by bouncing back (I've been bottom-bound by boulder-sized buying-blues) & blithely bestowing you w/ a beau geste of my own. That being brought to book, I bring you the ballyhooed, bottom-filler of my buying-basket... that bold, blaster of basin, bathroom & bathtub-dwellers, ...that boll weevil-bullyin,' Black Widow BlTCH-slappin,' beetle-blastin,' bottle of bad-ass, ...that block-busting bane of all bugdom: "RAID ANT & ROACH KILLER!? [Insert ersatz " Stadium Standing-O" Sound Effect Here, Please.]

II. HOW DO I, YOUR FRIENDLY, NEIGHBORHOOD, 29TH CANDIDATE, CHOOSE MY INSECT-KILLER?

A. TH
E PRODUCT-TESTING MATERIALS:

1 17.5 Ounce Can of RAID Ant & Roach Killer (Unscented)
1 14 Ounce Can of BIOGANIC SAFETY BRANDS Insect Killer 4 Average-Sized GERMAN COCKROACHS (Imported From A Pizza Box In Venice Beach)
1 Jar (For Importing Purposes)
1 (8' x 8') Sealed Off/Contained Testing Area 1 Used Wooden-Soled Shoe (Optional)
4 Domesticated HouseCats (Optional)

B. WARNING/CAVEAT:

Buckle up your seatbelt. I think you may find my bug spray selection method, unconventional; perhaps a little bit extravagant, but it is thorough. I strongly advise my home-viewing audience to refrain from attempting to recreate the circumstances by which my four specially-trained, feline field assistants and I arrived at our bug-spray choice. Those who know me, are well aware of my tireless pursuit... nay, ...my downright madness-driven mission... no, still not strong enough... "my obsessive, sleepless, soul-consuming vision-quest..." --yes, that's better-- ...to provide helpful information (damn it!, there I go selling myself short again--) ...to provide previously unknowable, watershed, quality-of-life-altering break-throughs, innovations and revelations calculated to assist the buying decisions of the following (and ONLY, the following) varieties of consumer:

1) the "preternaturally perfect-product-pursuit-preoccupied prig,"

2) the "persnickety, product-preview-prepossessed-prima donna,"

3) the "chronically-cheap, chokingly-chincy, corner-cutting, conservation-consigned, coupon-clipping, cash-conscious, coin-counting, cost-concern-cogitator,"

4) the "crowd-conscious, catalogue-collecting, clipping-collating, compare/contrast-choice-comparison-coddled, curiosity-challenged, credit-consumed, charge card-cataleptic," and finally,

5) the "dubiety-drubbed, dull-decision-dreading, department store-disspirited, daylight-depriv
ed, day-dream-driven, dilly-dally-er."

Any consumer who does NOT find him/herself in any of the above-noted categories, please kindly leave the reviewing area, as your presence is neither required or desired here! I'm only kidding. I don't fall into any of those categories either.

C. THE TEST:

I set up a three-part test so that I could compare RAID to two alternate methods of bug disposal. The first, or "old-fashioned" method, consisted of launching my four cats after one of the four test subjects. The second, or "Non-Pesticide" method, consisted of blasting the bug with BIOGANIC, a brand that boasted it bested bugs by basting them in a batch of bio-safe Clove & Sesame oil-based bug-bomb. The third, or "RAID" method, was the same as the second, except RAID was used instead of BIOGANIC. Effectiveness of method, was determined by clocking the time required by each method to dispatch the test subject.

1) THE OLD FASHIONED METHOD:

I began by turning loose one of the the imported, jar-contained test subjects (unfortunately there weren't any cockroaches around or near my living area, or SURELY they'd have responded to the miniature "want ads" I'd posted at strategic intervals about my kitchen cabinets & sink) into the preset, carefully-contained testing area.

After freeing the first of four roaches, I unfettered my four, fleet-footed, feline field agents a few feet from their fleeing future food. Following fast on her foe's feet, the front-running feline first flanked, then fell flatling on her frightened future-feast. Feeling frolicsome, she flipped him ferociously to and fro in her forepaws like a fidgety flap-jack. The other felines flocked around the first, furiously foraging and finagling. Finally, one of the following felines finessed his flailing foe from the furled fist of the first feline. The four felines formed a festive, faux-field ho
ckey foursome. Though the four flick and flop their fatally flattened foe till fabric fragments flitter from his frayed form, they fail to fatally finish him off. For them the fun formally fizzles when the food finally fails to flee.

2) THE NON-PESTICIDE METHOD:

The second roach was released into the arena, and thereafter sprayed with a blast of the BIOGANIC. The BIOGANIC, had a wonderfully fresh clove aroma that seemed quite pleasing for test subject #2. He seemed to look up at the spray, waiting for a second blast of it to complete his refreshing shower. I, somewhat annoyed by his audacity, complied with his wish. I complied and complied and complied. He merrily swished around in the growing puddle of BIOGANIC, thinking this was all part of the game. I was not NEARLY as amused as he seemed to be. Then it became time for my four assistants to take over the testing duties. They seemed not to mind the pleasantly aromatic, animal/children-safe residue of the BIOGANIC either. It seemed to be just the thing to get them to finish the job completely this time.

3) THE RAID METHOD:

I poured the remaining cockroach and his emergency understudy onto the freshly wiped down testing area. The RAID instructions advised that I should hold the spray can 6-12 inches from the target. I moved in on the first bogey's "6" (that's fighter pilot talk for "gluteus maximus,") locked him into the crosshairs of my gun-sight, immediately got a tone, indicating missile-lock, and blasted him with a lethal salvo of the RAID. He continued forward for a brief instant, sputtered, and angled upward into a whip-stall, before doing a lazily barrell-roll onto his back and giving up the ghost in a lethal plume of RAID mist. I picked up the second bogey at 3 O' Clock low, firewalling it for cloud cover. The smell of death permeated the air around me, and I suspect he smelled the onset of his own imminent doom. I overtook him in an Imm
elmanTurn and banked into a sideslip, deftly nosing up behind him. He proved to be a bit more troublesome than his previously-dispatched wingman, fish-tailing to the left and right, so that I was unable to get a tone. He went into a sharp, left bank, and I went to my RAID-machine guns as I brought back my speed and cut off the angle on him. I squeezed off two bursts and watched as the stream of tracer fire ate it's way up the cockroach's shiny, brown wings and fuselage. Bogey #2 rolled over on his back and stopped dead at the perimeter of the test area. Once again the lethal smell of RAID-napalm filled the air, and I nearly gagged as I firewalled it up to a freer, clearer realm.

D. THE TEST RESULTS CONCLUSION:

RAID was more than a match for its prey. Both cockroaches, sprayed with one to two blasts of the bomb, were dead within 30 seconds. I had no doubt it would have left a handful of the critters in the same predicament as the two test subjects. I suspect that just about anything living, including humans, given enough time, would share ghastly fate of the cockroaches. This was the only real drawback I discovered with the supposedly "unscented" RAID. The cloying, lethal "petroleum distillates" smell (like napalm) lasted for about three hours before gradually dissipating.

V. RAID FACTS & STATS:

PRICE: $4.95

SIZE: 17,5 Ounces

FORM: Aerosol Spray

ENVIRONMENTAL FRIENDLINESS:
--The spray's label claimed it's product "contains no CFCs, which deplete the ozone layer. I'm not entirely convinced of the factual accuracy of this, as it IS an aerosol disseminated product; not a "pump."

ACTIVE INGREDIENTS: IMIPROHRIN (2.5-Dioxo-3-(2-propynyt)-1-imidazolidinyl (1RS)-cis.transchrsanthemate) CYPERMETHRIN (cyano(3-phenoxyphenyl) methyl1 3-(2.2-dichloroethenoyl) 2.2-dimethylcyclopropropanecarbxylate) INERT INGREDIENTS contains petroleum distilla
tes

WARNINGS:
Avoid contact with eyes, skin or clothing. Wash thoroughly with soap and water after handling. Do not apply to humans, pets, or plants. Do not spray on food or animal feed, dishes or utensils. Remove pets and birds if spraying indoors, cover aquariums.

Thank You Very Much For Reading --29th_Candidate