Newest Review: ... to go and try some knowing it would be good if their other products were anything to go by. I bought some and its a very good gel. The ha... more
This helps my hair loss
Clinique Hair Gel
Member Name: Cammij
Clinique Hair Gel
Date: 28/06/01, updated on 07/07/01 (1065 review reads)
Advantages: Tough, Hard w orking, fast drying
Disadvantages: expensive, small container
Howdy Ho there folks, It's been awhile but I am back. I want to give my testimony on how I have been using this product to greatly improve my life, although I don't exactly use it as intended.
About 8 years ago I had a nice full head of hair which I sometimes tended to shave from time to time, especially when I was in a bug infested area (Saddam Hussein is a word that rhymes with Glassbowl).
One time I had my hair cut off and I got to thinking, "you know what would be really cool would be to get an eagle holding a swastika on top of my head" and just like that I did. The guy who did it made a beautiful job of it, it was perfectly symmetrical and if I tried to scrunch up my eyebrows the eagle would wiggle. Lots of people did not seem to like my tattoo, and that only made me happy as at the time I was going through one of my 'the hell with the world stages.'
All of a sudden a long hospital stay in Belarus and then 6 years on the railroad and my hairline sort of relocated to a new postal code, so to speak. Now I sort of have eagle talons and a swastika haging down on my head and that isn't proper in todays multicultural society if one wants to have any occupations aside from drawing the dole.
So I had to round up a few bucks and wait until I saw a good infomercial on TV about hair restoration. I saw a few good ones and then I read a few ads in the paper and decided to take action. I drove to a nearby metropolis and went in for a consultation.
I did not hit it off with the doctor. I think his last name made him uninclined to appreciate my splendid tattoo. He was grumpy with me and was totally hung up on my ink. My granpa had a tattoo that the doctors saw when they gave him liver surgury that they did not find too funny either.
So this guys starts telling me how he can chop off a chunk of my scalp on the back of my head and put the hairs on top of my head. I said, hey pal how
about we kill two birds with one stone and take some off my back. See I got hair on my back like I am some kind of woolly bear mammoth snufalofugus, I spent two years in Bosnia and was less afraid of getting shot than I am now at the beach because I think people will mistake me for a yeti. People make fun of me alot, especially my friends and family, and that hurts. What really blows is I had like 4 grand worth of tattoos done to my back before I got so hairy. People tell me I should shave my back but i think of it as most the men and women I have been with kinda like to know they are with a real man, not some androgynous sissy punk and in that sense the hair is very sexy. Its just so uncomfortable and clogs the drains and is scratchy. So I tell this doctor, hey take it off my back. He's like, "It can't be garunteed to be the same quality of hair from there as your scalp, "I am like, same quality, what you think the fur on my back is imported from Haiti and the stuff on my head is an example of Swedish craftmenship?, I mean like what is this guys deal? I started yellin at him and told him I wanted him to take the hair from a more secret place so then I wouldn't have to shave it no more.
I should have just knocked him out cold but I just walked out of there, of course I mooned them people full ass on the way out but I still didn't feel good about the whole thing. I mean why wouldn't he take the hair off my back? I told him I would sign a disclaimer and all that jazz. I heard in Sweden they will take the hair from anywhere and put it on your head and it turns out good once the hair gets in the new blood rich environment.
So I goes to the next place where they want to pull some crazy crap and use some kind of weave crap they call an integrated system and all that, they say it is better cos you don't scar and they get the hair from like poor people in the Ukraine and make some feathery weave to put on your head bu
t then you always have to go back to them for Maintenence. I am just horrified of the concept of maintenece when it involves something that should seemingly be organic, not like my damn car, I can handle the word maintenence with my car but not my head.
So you people got to be wondering, why doesn't this idiot try propecia or rogaine, and I am happy to tell you. A, to get propecia, some doctor goes and tries to do prison sex to you in order to check out your postrate gland. I don't go that route. I have made many men lay with me like a woman and I am not about to so cheaply discard my own anal integrity by choice. No man will ever do that stuff to me, because I have been in the driver's seat my whole life, and I know what I think about when I do stuff to other men and nobody is going to think of me like that. As for the rogaine shampoo, quite frankly I can't afford to keep a bottle of the crap in every place I end up hanging my hat. I am messing around with 5 or 6 girls and 4 or 5 guys at any time and I can't keep a bottle in all their houses, plus I am prone to wind up in a strangers bed most mornings anyways so it would be too awkward to carry shampoo with me everywhere.
I am sure you all heard of that citrus spray that you can put on your hairy back or legs (nevermind I forgot I was dealing with Brits and you would be unable to fathom why a woman wouldn't want legs of spider). You would wonder why i don't respond to an infomercial and get some. Well the answer is, is that it is a citrus spray, how powerful can it be? One day I spillt my orange juice on my crotch while driving to work and it didn't take the hair off my jimmies. My intern (or is it in-turn as each of us had that punk in turn) did appreciate the accident during my lunch break when he earned his keep. But the hair was still there, just full of orange juice. I might as well as have put tang on my ass.
So how do I use this product. It i
s simple, say I am going to a wedding or a party where I just can't show up looked like my normal bedevilled self and need to make myself a bit more presentable. So what do I do? I get my wife to take the dog clippers to my back and shave off a few good clumps of hair. I can't use the hair on my chest as it is too natty and greasy looking. My chest hair is just so coarse, what it is good for is to shave a big clump of it off and then I can roll it into a biscuit looking thing about the size of charcoal bricket and then I use denture cream to stick it to my goatee to make an extension. It looks really epic, kind of like the chaldeans or assyrians beards and I think it looks really distinguished although I can't proclaim it exactly looks natural. Then I take the hair from my back and I put all sorts of this gel in my hands and I cake it on my head. Then you just scruff it around and it looks kind of purposefully dishevelled, (think Sharon Stone in the muse)and it beats the hell out of some 7000 dollar sessions. Sure it might not look natural or even presentable but the people in public who know me see me and say, now look isn't that nice Earl went to the trouble of trying to hide his nazi sign. I have tried all of the gels and even some glues and by far this stuff works the best although it is a little pricey. It smells good too, although a real man doesn't dwell on the aesthetics.
The single best quality of this gel is that it holds forever. See I like to dance, and you people must be wondering, about a tattoo covered guy who is balding getting so much action . There is only two distinct possibilities, A. Like everyone else on the internet I am a liar. or B. I generally am not very discriminate in my selection of sex partners and this is combined with teh fact I have some serious play. And part of that play is I am a damn good dancer, none of this Kirov or Riverdance crap but like interpetive dance and country dance and techno rave danc
ing. I do all of it and I do it well, and doing all of it and doing it well I tend to do it all night long...well not all night i do some other dancing when I get home. But the point is this stuff keeps me covered for hours and I can even get into a hot tub with it on.
Just as an afternote I would like to mention that I knew Jeffrey Dahmer. When I was 18 I moved to Racine Wisc. because I got a job as an intern at teh Case Tractor factory. On Sundays I would go to Milwaukee, on one such trip I went into a Heavey metal record store and was looking at an old Micheal Schenker Album. So this freak wearing an out of style "parachute Pants" shirt with scuzzy hair and a weird gaze starst talking to me like he knows MSG. He starts saying he saw them live, which i assumed to be a lie unless he had been in Germany, at which point he started going on about being a medic in the Army in Germany. He asked where iwas from and I told him ohio and he said he was from richfield, I proudly exclaimed that I saw Pink Floyd at Richfield Coliseum. Anyways we split and that was all there was to it (that I am gonna tell) so like 3 years later I see this guys picture on TV as a newsflash and I casually tell me mom "I know that dude, he was a medic in teh Army and he is from Ohio", so like 30 minutes later they tell about that and my mom was freaking out. I thought it was funny. I often wonder how my life could have been different, if he had really liked me and let me be his sidekick. Even Henry Lee Lucas had a sidekick. I think I could go through life being a sidekick rather than the headliner, especially since Dahmer really had a unique flair. I could have at least got my picture on Time magazine. My point is, that I had a head full of hair at the time, and that is why he probaly gave me the time of day. A full head of hair is important.