Both Legs Of Even Length. (Toni & Guy)

Member Name: Muffin_the_Mule

Product:	Toni & Guy
Date:	04/09/01 (3093 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: No More Thunder Wedgies, Short hair assists vision

Disadvantages: Not local if you are a sheikh, They might do it Blue

When you're young, and its fun to have a bath with your socks on, and when David Hasselhoff was only famous for his chatty english car, and break-dancing was called body-popping, what your hair looked like wasn't always that important.

Or at least it wasn't to me. As long as I kept it neat enough to stop granny using her special sputum gel to flatten the cow-lick or to stop granpa telling me all about how his tub of brylcreem from the war that he swapped for a photocopy of the Treaty of Versailles
(yes they had photocopiers in the war. They were very portable too. A bit like pens.but more pencilly.)

I had the same barber for years, and I think he left coiffeur's school after the first week.
I'm not sure if one leg was shorter than the other, his floor was suffering subsidence, or if he was just a fraud, but he was quite bad.

Unlike the women's salons, (where conversation is endless and there's the familiar old lady under that big dryer thing. She's been there for twelve years, but it saves on her heating bill. The tea keeps her functioning.) Men won't often talk to a barber. You make a request in that short grunty grunt type conversation that all men have when first taking position in the pnuematic chair.

"What do you want?"
(always an unnecessary question in my opinion, what if you said "Chips and rice please?")

"Umm.......Just Trim it. Please"

This is about as articulate as the language gets in barbers', apart from when the old men go.
They talk in the same way they walk down a high street - slowly, punctuated with unexpected and frequent sudden stops.

Because I had badly tailored hair, I was geeky.

After surviving college, and my eyebrows had grown back, the psychological and physical scars caused by thunder-wedgies had healed, I began working full time, In a shop.

Shops have customers, and cust
omers can be as cruel as the cruellest nursery child. Nursery children are the most cruelly blunt beings. ever.

The problem I had wass the fact I still looked like old Reggie. (Perrin, not Kray)

I needed a change of image. And I wasn't about to go on Richard and Judy. Instead, I assembled my own make-over team.

I had 3 members, 2 girls, 1 boy.
The two girls were gorgeous, and I figured that if they dressed me how they like guys to look, they'd like me.
Teenage naivety and eternal optimism.
Mission failed.
The lad was a close friend from college, who also happened to be gay. Therefore, totally stereotypically, he was mega-hip.

First impediment was my quiff.
I got dragged down to City Centre Manchester and into a large building off Picadilly, full of other quiff masters sat around in a room wearing numbers.

At first I thought it was an audition for Popstars, but seeing as this was 1997 and that concept hadn't breached our shores, that thought has obvious anachronistic value.

A middle aged man took me into a side room, gave me a gown to wear and my number. I was number 40 something. It's not important, but just incase you wanted to know. My memories not that good.

I was at a Toni and Guy college 'Cutting-College' where you go and have novice follicle choppers hack at your barnet.

For free.

Somewhat like what i'd been doing for the last 17 years, except I paid for the wonky sideburns.

During my trim, I was asked if I wouldn't mind turning up the following Sunday afternoon, to participate in a fashion show staged by final year students. I heartily agreed as the girl asking me was rather visually agreeable.
My ego was being uncontrollably stroked. (there's those innuendo police at my door again, you'd think I lived with the Hamiltons or something).

Dutifully, I was punctual the next weekend, sporting fashi
onable new baggy kecks and fashionable new pullover, with fashionable hair too.
I met with my wig sculptor outside the Deansgate Salon next to Kendals and we went inside.
Ego was hastily disbanded as I noticed about 5 other, ruggedly muscular and handsome looking Ralph Lauren types waiting for haircuts too.

Apparently I was chosen for my "normalness" look.

Crushingly harsh.

I was seated next to afore mentioned Ralphy wannabe for the prerequisite hair wash.
Only mine was taking decidedly longer that all the others.
Distressingly longer.

About 20 minutes in, I asked why it was taking so long.

"Because you're going to be blue"

Much Ecstasy involved amongst watching friends was not mutually shared.


"How Blue?"

"Fairly"

Which in whisker lopping talk means "electric"

All was not lost however.
Yes I had the head of a rare rain forest parrot, but the style was accommodating and I liked it.
I did learn like all the best people who fail a lot do, that is, learn from my mistakes.

I didn't ever want my head tampered with by colorant-wielding beginner scissors proprietors, but I did like the finished article, albeit indigo tinted.

I have therefore, been visiting the very same salon ever since, and I own a copy of the single "Remember Me? By Blueboy"

Having your ears lowered by graduates doesn't come cheap. Not in the least.
For men, prices start at £25 for a "stylist" and increment by £2 intervals upto "Art Director" for £33
If you ask me, i'm not sure if a pointing painter would have quite the knack needed,

For the ladies, you apparently don't have a fixed price list, because there are a fair number of "On Quotation"'s listed on the price card.

My mum always taught me that if you have to ask
the price, you can't afford it. And I can't.

Even though the cut itself is costly, I still don't always get entirely what I was aspiring to. But it is a lot closer, and not in any way lop-sided. And you can tell as your hair grows longer that it is a suitably performed snip.
Evenness breeds happiness. And happiness can't be bad.


There are a total of 24 countries that boast at least one Toni and Guy Salon,
Including around 200 in the UK, but sadly for Sven's relatives, just a meagre 2 in Sweden.
Worse news for any Oil Sheikhs amongst you, because the UAE sports just the one.

You can also find out where your nearest salon is by calling 0800 731 2396

Or visiting
www.toniandguy.co.uk

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