Anorexia and me - Updated (Anorexia Nervosa)

Member Name: pjs21

Product:	Anorexia Nervosa
Date:	13/02/01 (419 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: You will lose weight

Disadvantages: You may lose your life

*****The Update 2009*****

I can't believe that 8 years on I've come back to this review. There have been a great many changes in my life since 2001 when I first wrote this. I trained and qualified as a chef in 2003 and am now a PA for a large company and love my life. The anorexia has taken a back seat for a long time now, the feelings still raise their head every now and then, but I've learnt to shut them off very quickly now. I have a child who's now 5, I'm single again and I recently came out. Seems there were lots of inner battles going on that I wasn't aware of back then.

I really only wanted to update this to give some hope to anyone who may be suffering and going through what I did. I remember the dark days and the feelings I once had about myself and I wanted to say that there is hope and will determination and some professional help, you can get through it and come out the other side.

Today I would class myself as a happy and content person. 8 Years ago, I never would've thought that possible.

Be strong, fight, get help and be happy. You can do it too.


****************Original Review**********************

I was surprised to look at this category and find that nobody had written an opinion on this subject, and then I remembered what I used to be like.

I have suffered with Anorexia since I was eighteen years old. I now have no problem with eating food anymore, but the mental thoughts never leave you. Everytime you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, you are reminded of what it is you don't like about yourself. The only difference now is that I am able to reason with myself. I would rather have my life and look how I do, then not eat and die. That's the only thought that stops me spiralling back out of control.

As a man, it is not something that was noticed straight away by anyone. They all saw me losing some weight, but I did need to. I weighed in at 13st when I was only 13 years old. I was the fat kid in my year of school and was reminded of that by my "friends" throughout my school years.

It wasn't until I went to college that I started paying more attention to myself and those around me. How I longed to be thin again, like I was aged twelve. I could see my ribs then. I wanted to look like the people around me, a good physique and no double-chin.

So I started lying. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch to start with, that was easy to do. I could go to college and join my friends in the canteen and say I'd already had breakfast, then I could go off campus at lunch time and not return until the hour was over, saying I had eaten elsewhere.

I could then go home to my parents where I lived at the time and tell them that I'd eaten at college.

It was all very easy. If someone happened to buy me lunch at college, it was very easy to get rid of. Campus had plenty of bins in which the food could be disposed.

Within the first month I had lost just under a stone in weight. In the second month I began to pay for what I'd done.

I had no energy and it hurt
to move. I spent many days in bed crying with the pain that screamed through my body. But this wasn't enough stop me. Everytime I looked in a mirror I was repulsed by what I saw. A fat, pasty body that not even I could find attractive.

I was caught out eventually by a friend who, being suspicious, bought me a sandwich for lunch. I did the usual and went back to class. At the end of the day my friend presented me with the brown paper bag which contained my lunch. He'd followed me around and taken it out of the bin.

Within the week my family and friends knew what was happening and so did my doctor. But nothing they could do was going to help.

All my mum wanted to do was put food infront of me. All my friends wanted to analyse me. Only a few very close friends were able to help. And it took them a very long time. I had lost over two stone in less than 2 months, also the mental side of the illness still had a very strong hold on me.

At 19 I moved out of my parents house and in with some very good friends. I had no idea that they were counselling me at the time, but looking back I can see it all so clearly.

I learnt to like many aspects of myself, I liked what was on the inside, and I liked the things that this person stood for. What they believed in. Gradually, I learned to like who I was as a person, even if I didn't like the look of the outer crust.

Now, ten years on from when this all started the person I see in the mirror has changed a lot. He has grown up and become a wise young man with good values and opinions. He does still want to be the thin man with ribs, and he doesn't find what he sees attractive, and wonders, who possibly could? But he does have a girlfriend who he loves very much, and who in return loves him for who he is. She also tells him that she likes his belly - it's comfortable! This life is good. It may not be the one I secretly wanted, but it isn't w
orth the pain to get it.

Anyone who reads my reviews on cook books will know that food is an important part of my life now and I am a keen cook, I love my friends and my family, especially those who got me to where I am, mentally.

I was a horrible person to be around at the beginning, withdrawn and moody. I hated everything around me and mainly myself. I was selfish and inconsiderate, I thought the only person I was hurting was me. I was wrong. My parents suffered hugely with worry and guilt. My sister was in pieces after sleepless nights of hearing me cry with pain, and friends felt so helpless and hurt that I thought they cared how I look.

I have learnt so much that I owe it to all of these people and myself not to go back to how I was. And I will never.

The thoughts never ever leave your mind about how you look, but with the knowledge that I now hold, I couldn't put anyone through all of that again. Anorexia is a horrible illness to have and one that is not easy to control. But it can be controlled. I am proof of that.

Ten years ago, even five years ago I would not have had the strength to write this opinion. I wanted to hide my secret from the world. Anorexia is not an attention-seeking problem - it is a serious illness that can affect both men and women, and it needs to be taken seriously.

If you are worried about someone - these are the signs and tricks that I used:

I Never ate infront of anybody - always had an excuse for not doing so.

I became withdrawn from my friends and family. Rarely going out on social evenings.

I became defensive about the smallest of comments.

If I had to eat infront of someone, I'd take a few mouthfuls and say that I was feeling unwell.

These are only the basics - there are so many trick you use when you are in this position, but these are the most common. Obviously, don't presume someone has a trouble
because they don't eat all their dinner, or they didn't have lunch today - there are times when you just don't feel like eating. Just be aware of it and how often it occurs. I was seriously ill for four months - even when I started eating again it was a long and slow process.

If you know someone who has anorexia the worse thing you can do is force them to eat. You need to confront them and support them. More often than not, they want to stop doing this to themselves, they just don't know how to. If you go in heavy-handed you're likely to make the situation worse. Imagine for yourself what it must feel like to wake up every morning and loathe yourself. This will give you some idea of what it's like and how it happens.

There are also plenty of support groups to be found - a good starting place is with your local GP.

*****RELAPSE******

I'm not really sure why I'm adding this on to here. I guess it's the stranger on the train thing. Having a really bad month; three family deaths, personal health issues, etc. I have relapsed back into my old ways. This time there is a difference though. I am fully aware of what it is I am doing to myself and my body. It is scary how easy it is to slip back into the old ways. I am back seeking help. I have contacted a local support group, the number for which I got from my local council.

They have also advised me of several other support lines and information sites on the Web. The BBC for example have an eating disorder notice board where a community support eachother. At the moment the Eating Disorders Association (EDA) are replying to messages. It's a good place to go to for advice. I wish these things had been around 10 years ago, I may have helped me more than anything else back then. I posted one brief message and have had two lovely, supportive replies from other sufferers. It really is very useful.

If you go to BB
C.CO.UK and then choose Health, then Notice Boards. You will see Eating Disorders listed. In order to leave a message you do need to register. This is very simple, you only need an email address and a password. It really is very useful.

I'm sorry to bring this back up.

Many thanks

PJS21

Summary: My journey with Anorexia 2001-2009