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If you hear a humming and you're strolling beside a river, don't think it is the DVD recorder. The chances are one of God's cretins is checking you out and just about to invade your body space, like a greasy haired, gum chewing, 'Little Britain' character, wearing an all-in-one vest garment, not fit to be seen in public; unless you've thought ahead and foxed the little blighters by spraying 'Autan Active, insect repellent.' My 'Boy Scout' motto was always be prepared; you don't know when a swarm of vicious blood sucking mosquitoes will destroy that important thought process, or that joke that you've readily prepared, guaranteed to gain 'brownie points' among the pilgrims, who I do charity walks with. Though they're diminishing in numbers, after a nasty bout of 'horsefly stings' and 'midget bites;' while on the 'Thames riverside walks.' It could be my satire or nervous quips when I introduce 'Autan' to the female species and spray eagerly over their 'exposed' fleshy parts and blurt out; "this will protect you from little pricks, while on your walk!" - Nevertheless, 'Autan' appears to be a repellent to the female species in general going by the fast pace the ladies start-off at, leaving me with 'Autan' and a large bearded man, wanting to talk to me about locomotives, for two hours.
Beards seem to attract a hive of insects, trying to get out of the wiry masses I assume, I couldn't help but notice this with two of our regular walkers. They also never get stung or bitten, though hasten to add perhaps a little bad tempered due to pulling at their chin hairs at intervals letting the pathetically stupid critters go, all dazed and disorientated. Alcatraz would be easier to escape from. Britain's version would be 'Hampton Court Maze.' Where the evil King Henry VIII resided and viewed, with glee, the drunken staff members and guests haphazardly lose themselves in foliage. The confusion I have is insects have many eyes; so you would have thought one of them would be able to see where daylight is while burrowing in beards; I suppose their 'Darwin evolution process' is still working that out.
Autan is the conqueror of all the great and small mites. Feast elsewhere, preferably go vegetarian.
While shouting out "Autan?" - In the mountainous (big hills) ranges of the 'Ring of Kerry; Ireland;' sounds like 'All Bran' to the receiver; up yonder. And that is something you really don't need while trekking up to twenty miles a day over elephant sized boulders and extreme wall of humidity where little marshes collect rain-water from the beautiful Irish countryside. Yes, even in lands in the British Isles, the tropics are evident and a short step away. So, keeping the insects at bay is second in-line to water, otherwise the experience of pure beauty in a landscape would be blighted by being many lunches for many hungry pregnant females; unless you're blood is B12 deficient (which isn't good) you will go unscathed and without the aid of 'Autan;' or surprisingly wear 'CK One leau de toilette,' the citrus scent is repelled by insects, then again it is more expensive by six hundred per cent - Good news if the Calvin Klein body spray already sits forgotten in amongst other redundant bottles in an Ikea wall box.
I'm not going to declare that 'Autan' is a trusted old friend I take when-ever I throw on a 'Berghaus rucksack;' but when the terrain involves long grass, marshlands, streams and rivers; plus helped by the fact bearded accomplices harbour and imprison critters, that eventually do escape usually onto a lesser Shakespearian individual namely myself, then 'Autan' gets frequent usage. My sporadic wayward sprays resemble a tourette sufferer, hoping that some 'Autan' may cling onto nearby beards, or any monkey legged members, who also seem immune to any plagues of midges. They look at you bemused showing a questionable forehead crease. Some walkers have wanted to bathe in 'Autan,' as if it was a 'Roman bath' and wondered whether grapes were available with the 'Autan' experience. Shamefully though the bearded few have shouted obscenities due to wayward sprays, which I blame the wind for. Apparently, no-one has suffered for long nor perished while I'm armed with this effective insect repellent.
Other cretins such as ticks and the odd flying nasty also hate the repelling scent. Grazing sheep with dirty, matted, woollen long dreadlocks especially are a fortress for these blood suckers. I don't know why? But that old man, pulling a cart, in the TV Show 'Bread' who gallivants with 'Lilo Lil;' pops up in my head whenever I see mountainous 'dreadlocked' sheep. Without too much graphic attention to what a tick does when it migrates onto your person, 'Autan' again protects the exposed areas and like car-park attendant moves them onto the bearded ones, where they stay undetected for weeks, starved of sheep dip, and over populated heathers in Scotland. Blood suckers! (Remove comment before publishing, as it may cause offence, to the dispositional few)
'Autan' may have a case for doing an advertising campaign stating that if Cheryl Cole had worn it, she may not have had Malaria, due to 'Autan's' repellent working its magic. This leads me nicely onto 'taste.' It certainly isn't a 'Chanel Number 5,' or a 'Dolce and Gabbanna' the scent is far more synthetic and shockingly cheaper than any brand of L'eau de toilette. Scent wise: the 'Autan' compared to other competitive repellent brands is better than most; of course this deciphers with your taste and what you use to. If, you prefer squirting yourself and smelling of rotten apples with a hint of wet dog, 'Autan' isn't for you. Because, 'Autan' products generally smell of a light fragrant of plastic and lemon sherbet; when calmed down, a whiff resembles an old man; then, that's just me. The scent changes whoever you are, determined by your pheromones.
Is that the scent of gnat pee, or is it my pheromones?
Pheromones is a mild scent usually that everyone has and gets to know subconsciously; while trekking you get to know each others quite quickly. Pheromones also are the scent you pop off when actively seeking a mate and if you're a match that is where the subconscious attractions occur. This same scent also deciphers whether you're likely to get bitten, stung or even used as a fortress for insects. The strongest area for pheromone detection for insects is around the ankles where most people get bitten, where the heat collects and subsequently perspiration excretes through the pores along with added pheromones. 'Autan' contains 'Icaridin' this is the 'active' component that repels the bugs and insects - It is a clear liquid, the consistency border-lines between 'saliva' and 'water.' An aerosol pump action helps with quantity control and it lasts up to eight hours, when the eighth hour is up the mites then will descend and pray on you from the long bearded one talking avidly about locomotives, thereon in, until another application pump prevents the torrid swarm of female mites.
'Autan' was set a gravest task during the swift stroll through the 'Black Forrest', just below the peak of the largest hill in Ireland; on the 'Ring of Kerry' circuit. A mist of black midges welcomed the party of trekkers with open mouths, needless to say it wasn't the most admirable welcome nor would I recommend the hostel, but alas, the mites didn't feast with such regularity when 'Autan' sat on cleavages, arms, legs, ankles and foreheads. Beards got exempt on health grounds, and sent off for further insect inspection and grooming.
Stockists pack this product singularly in most retail outlets: Tesco: Waitrose: Lidl: - Priced at 4.49 GBP for 100ml. The price is reasonable considering what the outcome could be if not purchased on those trekking adventures. Or general use beside water and fruit; where insects rule; causing spontaneous itching whether it's 'in the mind' or 'physically' - Without the 'Autan of 'No' Sting;' you'll be in 'Dire Straits.'
Please Note - Many mites and insects were killed in producing this article. Smile! (Remove smile just in case of any insect lovers maybe present)
Thank you for reading
There may well be better mosquito repellants out there but this is one of the best i've found. I'm allergic to mosquito bites so it is especially important for me to use something that is really going to work. For my holiday to Singapore this year I chose to take the Autan pump spray whilst my friend chose to take the Autan aerosol. In my opinion both should be taken with you although this may be costly it is worth it. The first day we both used our own and I got bitten twice on my leg which turned out to be extremely painful and I reacted badly to them. My friend however didn't get bitten at all and we realised it was probably because the aerosol gives off more of a cloud of repellant that sort of stays around you, whereas the pump spray you end up rubbing it in to your skin and if you miss a bit can still get bitten. The aersol however is very choking when you put it on, which may make it more effective but you have to make sure you don't breathe it in. It is also no good for the face and neck, it is much easier and safer to use the pump spray for this, pumping some repellent into your hand and then rubbing it into your face and neck. Thats why i recommend getting both the aerosol and pump spray if you really want it to be effective. I did get a couple more bites during the holiday but it was nothing compared to what I usually get even if i'm using some other kind of repellent. Autan smells quite nice too, so you don't mind putting it on even if you are going out for the evening, which is when you really need it most anyway. Its sold in Boots and most chemists I think and isn't too expensive, between £3 and £4 for either the aersol or pump spray if i remember correctly.
Autan Lotion is a clear liquid that is rubbed onto the skin and acts as a repellant to mosquitoes, ticks, biting fleas and gnats / Autan Aerosol is a clear liquid that is sprayed onto the skin.