Bulimarexic. (Bulimia)

Member Name: Claribella

Product:	Bulimia
Date:	20/12/08 (189 review reads)
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I had Anorexia for a while which progressed into Bulimia and the cycle was repeated. If there was a name for the two together then I would have put in a request for it but there isn't. What there is, is a fine line between the two so maybe I was more of one than the other at different stages.

Bulimia is an eating disorder that affects mostly females but is proving to be more common in the male as time goes on. It involves a process of binge eating then either vomiting straight after or fasting, using laxatives or over exercising to remove the excess calories that the person has consumed. It usually starts between the ages of 13-20 and a sufferer can live with it for years and in some cases it is a life long daily grind.
Bulimia is very difficult to pick up because unlike Anorexia the sufferer doesn't look painfully thin. It is just as dangerous as anorexia though and sometimes can result in heart attacks and other serious conditions.
According to Wikipedia, 10% of girls and 3%of boys binge and purge at least once a week.

Anorexia is an eating disorder that again affects mostly females but 10% of this is of the male population. A sufferer with anorexia will basically starve themselves which causes extreme weight loss. They have an overwhelming fear of gaining any weight and along with this they may be depressed and have low self esteem. If someone is diagnosed with anorexia they will typically have a BMI of 17.5 and below.

I never made a choice to become bulimic or anorexic, I'd never even heard of them until I started getting help. I didn't know what was happening to me but I knew in my mind that things weren't right. Maybe some of you are thinking 'Ohhhh for crying out loud not another sob story' but this is serious stuff. If you know anyone who has an eating disorder then don't shrug it off and think they are trying to get attention because the chances are they have had some bad thing happen to them through the course of there life and using Bulimia or Anorexia is the only way they can face another day without killing themselves. I suppose it's like a best friend but a worst enemy.


MY STORY
I didn't wake up one day and think 'Oh stuff it I'm fat, I'm not going to eat for a bit and see what happens'. It was like the snake in the bible who crept up on Eve and tempted her. I was a little over weight but this wasn't in the forefront of my mind. I just decided one day that I'd stop putting sugar in my coffee then I stopped putting sugar on my cereal. This led to not putting milk in my tea and then stopping drinking tea altogether. Over time I cut back on portion sizes then I cut out all sweet stuff from my diet. I started checking the calorie content on all packets and tins and started eating foods like grapefruit which I knew sped up your metabolism. Eventually I wasn't eating anything. I drank water to fill me up and chewed gum to satisfy my cravings. Soon the cravings disappeared and I no longer felt that I needed food to survive.

I am not a liar and have been bought up to tell the truth but slowly the white lies would appear. I'd tell my mum that I had eaten at work then I'd rush out the door when I got in so I wouldn't have to have tea and then I'd tell my partner that I'd eaten a big meal at home. As time went by and the eating disorder took more and more control of me the lies became bigger and bigger.

Obviously I lost tones of weight really quickly and I thrived on people telling me I looked good. When they asked how I'd lost the weight I told them that I'd been watching what I ate. I loved the way my ribs stuck out and how I could feel my spine on the back of my neck. My hips protruded and my bum hurt if I sat in one place for too long because it had no padding. Soon I started to become dissatisfied because every time I looked in the mirror I belly stuck out. I hated my belly and I told myself that once that was flat I'd start eating again. I exercised hard doing loads of sit ups a day. I'd use the stairs instead of the lift, I'd stand up all the time because I knew standing burnt more calories than sitting, if I did sit then I wiggle my foot so I'd be burning calories. I became obsessed with my weight picking at my self when I looked in the mirror. I absolutely hated the way I look and truly thought I was huge. I can't explain how much I loathed myself. To me I was disgusting and I hated myself even more for lying to the closest people around me.

After a while I became hungry every now and again. My body was crying out for some food and I was depriving myself of the one thing I needed to survive. I didn't see it like that though. Every now and again I would allow myself one piece of brown bread with a dot of sauce smeared onto it. This was my 'safe food'. When I had eaten it I would feel bad and have a stomach ache so I would resort to exercising again to get rid of the calories I had consumed.

I was very depressed and I suppose I spent each day walking through my life like a robot. I felt so low inside and the burden of keeping this secret was really taking it's toll on me. My physical appearance was also deteriorating. I was constantly cold, my joints would creak whenever I moved and I had hair appearing all over my body (the body's way of trying to warm me up), my lips were dry and my breath was bad. After a while I stopped having periods too which deep down inside I was pretty worried about because I longed for a family one day but I just couldn't stop.

Food was always on my mind even though it was my worst enemy. I stopped going out because I knew that whatever we did would revolve around food and I didn't want to make excuses about why I wouldn't be eating.

Eventually the anorexia progressed into Bulimia. Whenever I needed a binge I would go to the supermarket and £20-£30 worth of sweets, chocolate and cake and consume the lot within a short space of time. I wouldn't savor the flavor and the food would barely hit the sides. After I had eaten I would throw it all back up again and then I could relax. The only way I can explain this process is that something would come over me like a 'Jekyll and Hyde' thing then once I had vomited I would feel as if I had a hit of Heroin or something (not that I know what Heroin feels like). I'd be calm.

There were occasions where I'd be forced into a situation where I had to eat or I had carefully planned where I would be sick but for one reason or another the plan failed. If this happened I'd be so horrible to everyone around me. One day I remember causing an argument with my partner just so I could storm off in the car and puke behind the church near us. That's how desperate I got.

It got to a point where everything I ate would come right back up again without me having to do anything. The food would touch my tummy and before I had finished my binge I'd be puking. I would get terrible stomach ache and food became the only thing I thought about.

After a while I couldn't hold the secret any longer and I told my partner. He tried to help but I was too scared to actually try to eat through fear of putting on weight. I already had a puffy face because the vomiting was so regular that I was losing potassium which caused my body to puff up.

By this time I was also restricting my fluid intake. I remember once going three days without a single drop of water or a bite to eat. I was so proud of myself at the time then I forgot I was restricting and accidently drank some water. I was gutted because I was secretly hoping that I would drop dead. My heart rate was all over the place and at one point my hubby counted just 31 beats per minute. I'm sure God has his hand on me.

Things finally came to a head when I had a row with one of my bosses at work and ended up walking out. I didn't know what to do I was so gutted aand I just couldn't think straight. I walked home (which took an hour) and I cried all the way. People were staring but I just didn't care. By the time I got home I was hysterical, run down and at my wits end. My dad didn't know what to do with me and when I finally calmed down to the point where I could talk without sobbing I confessed all. My mum walked out because she was at her wits end with my brother (read my schizophrenia review for that story) and couldn't deal with anything else and my dad tried to understand and just held me while I cried like a newborn baby.

THE CAUSE
Many people believe that eating disorders are a thing someone does because they want to get thin but more often than not that's not the case.
Through all of my group therapy and sessions not only did I learn the in and outs of anorexia and bulimia I learnt why I developed them.

I won't go into too much detail in this section but I had an older brother who was very demanding. My parents time was taken up with him a lot trying to get him well (Again see my schizophrenia review). Over the years I blended into the background and basically became non-existent. I was shut down and became emotionally paralysed literally to the point where I couldn't hug my partner! (who is my husband now. Bless him he stuck with me through a lot). My whole life revolved around my brother and I was brushed to the side. I became a bit of a mum figure to my younger brother and whenever my older bro came home out of his face I would be the one to comfort my younger brother whilst being a best friend to my older brother. At one point my older brother was in intensive care after being pushed out in front of a car and basically I felt like my whole life was out of control. The thing with people who have eating disorders is that they do feel this and use food as a way of controlling there lives. With my eating I had the power. I chose what went into my mouth. I had control when everything else around me was out of control.
I also found it difficult because my mum and dad were never demonstrative with me. I was never told I was loved so that along with the above made me feel insignificant. I felt like a piece of rubbish on the floor that didn't deserve to be on this earth.
There were other factors too but that is the basics.


THE RECOVERY
Even though eating disorders are so common in today's society, at the time there wasn't a lot of support around for the sufferers. The only thing my family and I knew was that I needed help and I needed it soon. I booked an appointment at the doctors and they put me on a waiting list for a therapist within the practice. They also referred me to an Eating disorder support group near my home. The waiting list was long and I felt pretty hopeless but after a couple of weeks they called me in for an assessment. After this the woman I spoke to said I would have more chance of getting into therapy quicker if I was willing to participate in group therapy. At this point I eager to start so said 'yes'.

The groups a started and for weeks I hardly said a word. I hated opening up but I found it amazing when the other girls spoke. They could have been me. We went through exactly the same thought processes and desperation, I was amazed. Eventually a 'one to one' slot came up and I started my single therapy sessions. On the side of this I was also having cognitive therapy at the doctors. I was taught certain ways of coping with the urge to be sick and had to keep a food diary.
All of this went on for around a year and I'd like to tell you that by the time it finished I was fine but I was far from it. My therapist sat me down one day and basically told me we couldn't go any further because she felt like I was speaking to a brick wall. I didn't give her anything. I felt like my life crumbled a little bit more because in my eyes she was going to make me better.

I found the sessions so intense because I couldn't stand talking about my past that as soon as it was finished I would rush to the shops and buy tones of food then binge whilst sat in a field somewhere.
Things at home were also intense because now my family knew my secret. I didn't want them hearing me vomit so I wouldn't eat for days and then when they nipped out I would raid the cupboards. This disgusted me and the self-loathing went from bad to worse. I felt awful for putting my loved ones through this but just couldn't stop.

So the pattern of starving myself for weeks and months continued and everyday I would wake up and think 'Right I'm going to eat today'. I never did. Unless you have had an eating disorder then you will never understand how hard it is to 'just eat'. It just can't be done. I needed something radical to change my thought processes or I knew I could end up dead.

I became a born again Christian at 19yrs old which was just as my eating disorder was starting to get out of hand. After a few years of struggling with it my church started running a group called 'Celebrate Recovery'. It's based on the 12 steps of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) but it's god-centered. It's for any one who feels they have a problem that they can't control. Some were alcoholics, some were shopaholics and some just had a problem with control. I started attending the group sessions and in the week I would work my way through the books. Slowly I opened up more than ever before but my eating disorder was still way out of control.
One day I was picking my husband up from work and I was working through one of my books. I was pretty depressed and had no hope for the future at all. I had had enough of everyday being a battle and not even having rest at night because I couldn't sleep properly. I just prayed from my heart 'God I've had enough I can't do this anymore please take control'. It was as simple as that and all of a sudden it was as if a light was switched in my mind and I wanted to go home and eat. Anyone who has experienced an eating disorder will know that this never happens. You try but you just can't do it. I just knew in that instance I was healed. When my hubby got in the car I was excited and when I told him the news he was dubious. We got home and I ate breakfast and kept it down without any stomach or reflux problems and from that day on I've eaten normally since. It is a miracle to me because I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never be free of it.
A few years on and I am still free of it but I do have to watch that I don't try and take control of my life on my own. Sometimes if I'm having a hard time and don't rely on God then all I want to do is starve myself or binge. For the past few years I've had even more reason to not do this because I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding. I just thank God that I have had that privilege and my periods did come back.

ADVICE
First off, if you know someone with an eating disorder then I know it is very tempting to whisk them off to the doctor and try to get them sorted but with any addiction you have to wait until they are ready to step out of denial. For years I wouldn't admit I had a problem and it wasn't until I actually spoke to someone and said 'ok yeah this is a problem'. You can't do this for them and the only thing that you can do is read up as much as can about it and just be sensitive the person because inside they are probably in so much turmoil.

To anyone who is reading this and can familiarize with the above then please get some help. Tell someone and go and see your family doctor. I know it's easier said than done and saying this probably not going to make you do anything. I know what I was like and I had to get to a time where I couldn't sink any lower.

I read two amazing books which really helped me feel understood. Both are by Helena Wilkinson and one is called Puppet on a string which is her own account of her struggle with Anorexia. The second is a self help book which is called 'Beyond Chaotic Eating'.

If you live in the UK then there is a rehab centre in London called Rhodes farm. They have a website which is www.rhodesfarm.com which provides you with plenty of information about the place and they also have some publications that you can access. I'm sure if you needed help they would be happy to talk to you.

Last of all there is plenty of information on Google about eating disorders.

Summary: A sad way of life