| Product: |
Listerine Freshburst |
| Date: |
10/05/06 (156 review reads) |
| Rating: |
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Advantages: Great fresh feeling, no more trips to the dentist's waiting room!
Disadvantages: Is very strong in smell and taste, but I believe that's the point...
After spending years, as a teenager, tripping to the dentist every two weeks for braces, fillings and root canal surgery, it was not surprising that taking care of my teeth was pretty much vital to me as an adult.
Now, on the slippery slope to 40, the idea of that sadistic look on my dentist's face fills me with nerves like metal rods every six months. It is, in fact, no wonder that my dentist hasn’t retired on the amount of work that I have endured over the years.
I tried everything. I mean everything, from chewing large amounts of gum like a bored Friesian cow to cutting out chocolate completely. Which, the latter, I might add, did gave me better teeth, but , on the down side, an aggressive disposition, road rage and ever increasing depression. (I could have killed for a Mars bar…) My only means of escaping the clutches of my dentist’s drill and that sucky thing that just makes a lot of noise but actually doesn’t Hoover up any thing , was some form of mouthwash.
I stood, for quite some time in Tesco’s one miserable afternoon, drumming my fingers across the side of my face wondering where on Earth to start looking. I guess the frozen meat counter wasn’t the correct option, so I moved like a 'healthier gum' driven mad woman towards the, what I call, Smelly section.
Worming my way through the aisles with empty trolley, I skidded to a halt right by the deodorants. Realising my premature mistake, I rolled my trolley, with wonky wheel, to the dental section. I was met by an array of blue and green coloured liquids in similar bottles. I studied the labels in order to make sure I wasn’t going to make a purchase of Demestos bleach instead. I had been glued to adverts, before hand. On the television, these images were luring their viewers to make it their mission to strive for a healthier mouth. Cheesy adverts denoting 18 year olds with white teeth like silk emulsion dancing around being carefree and wrinkle-free. I made the immediate comparisons with myself; there were none. I had wanted to see normal people with yellow smiles picturing bad teeth and dentures, and perhaps with the odd cap missing. I wanted wrinkles! I needed to see unemployed, middle aged people with bad hair and wearing jumpers from British Homes Stores! I wanted to see someone who looked like me!
Of course, adverts NEVER show people like me, or even the mouths of people like me. Why should they? Products would never get sold. Sigh.
So, with that ghastly Listerine ad in my mind, I pictured myself, dancing around with a beach ball in a skimpy swimming cozzie. No, can’t picture that too well, so with a blank mind, I resided to the thought that these young things must have got paid handsomely for their three minutes of work on the beach by a successful company who could afford it. So, a bottle Listerine, of some sort, would be entering my wonky trolley with immediate effect.
The agony of choice...which one to have. I saw green stuff that was a sort of Fresh mint thing (the only information my brain had on this was chewing gum. Tried that. Didn’t work. That’s why I’m standing here now) Then I noticed something orange, or at least perhaps a urine coloured liquid in a bottle that shouted ‘Original’ at me. The fact that this liquid looked more like a specimen from a Grand National winner kind of put me off actually swigging it. One must never swallow a mouth wash. Actually what the result is of this, I don’t know. However, to even so much as put my lips near a urine liquid, filled me with a sickening feeling, even if they did shoot the horse first….
I am caught suddenly by a deep seated feeling of revolution, or even revelation. A small sized bottle (two sizes are available of each liquid) sort of smiled at me, and it was that smile of ‘no more fillings, beach balls, emulsion from Homebase,’ that sort of thing. So, I reached down (as these things are always on shelves too high or ‘knicker showing’ too low.) I grasped the small bottle in sticky hand and held aloft my future purchase. Like Atlas holding the great world up, I caught the green liquid in the glare of the supermarket strip lighting. It shone and I heard the angels singing…Fresh Burst Listerine!
‘Accredited by the British Dental Association!’ It was music to my ears…I sped away with item in trolley and hoped that my filling days were over…..
I arrived safely home and studied the bottle. After an hour of digesting the words, ‘kills the germs that cause dental plaque and bad breath’ I had concluded that perhaps this was more for garlic eating Maths teachers. Still, if I used this and swigged vigorously two a day, I maybe could get a few friends back into my life. It stated ‘used twice a daily will provide 24 hour plaque protection!’ The border of this lettering was in red. That tells my brain that, that should some warning sign, like a ‘no entry.’ I wondered what this ‘protection’ meant… Did it stop you getting mugged on a late Friday night? Perhaps if I also wear high heels, if might help, or at least stop the plaque jumping up so high into my mouth….You see, the ramblings, as these are of people who haven’t got a clue what plaque actually is, like me. So, with the idea that fear, is caused by fearing the unknown, then surely, this must be a winner.
I unscrew the cap and sniff. After retrieving my eyes from the back of my head, I decide that small swigs would be favourable. The downside, I noticed after months of usage and threatening letters from my dentist to eat more sugar was actually remembering to take two swigs a day. It wasn’t unusual to break out into a sweat in the middle of the night and wonder, not, had I locked the car, but had I taken my Listerine…Of course the fact that you should do this twice a day after meals should have had no difficulty finding a permanent place in my already neat and tidy routine of a life. What one mustn’t do and that’s read any of the ingredients. By doing this, one can feel the sinking feeling of being uneducated with regards to any item mentioned after Aqua and Alcohol. I do believe companies put these two ingredients down first to lead the consumer into a false sense of security. On the other hand, I find it hard to believe that everything in this world is made up of water and alcohol.
The cap, even after months of swearing in low tones from the other side of the bathroom door, takes some getting used to. I also found that the liquid dies up somewhat if not carefully used. A sticky residue then encroaches itself into your life like a cough mixture bottle, fighting for its right to glue itself on the bedside table. It adds, on the back of the bottle, in that ever so familiar small print for Munchkins, to pour 20ml (4 x 5 ml teaspoons) into a glass then swig for thirty seconds. If you are like me and find it hard to focus for even thirty minutes, in the morning, then please feel free to splash a dash of this stuff into the cap of the bottle and swig it that way. (It is worth noting here that this is the way to create a sticky bottle in seconds. Remember to wipe if you use it in this way, or if you can’t be bothered like me, the prepare for s sticky mess on top of the bathroom cabinet)…
So, here I am now, two years later with an ‘out of work’ dentist parked outside my house every night, begging me to stop using this super dooper green stuff. I eat as much chocolate as I flipping well like and I have a wide circle of friends.
Also, I have no roof left inside of my mouth and my eyes are permanently glazed over. Yes, it’s strong stuff and your palette will never get used to it, but what is it they say? No pain…?
It works, and with a small amount of masochistic tendencies lurking in my family tree, I am prepared to swig with confidence!
Even my dog loves me again….
Thanks for reading and very happy swigging to you all…
And remember, if in doubt, just breathe on a small child after use. See how well they fall over backwards!
©sam1942 2006
Not suitable for children under twelve.
250ml or 500ml bottles available in all good supermarkets and high street chemist outlets.
250ml bottle priced £1.95 in Tesco.
Keep out of the reach of children.
Made by Pfizer Consumer Healthcare
Walton On The Hill
Surrey. KT20 7NS.
Summary: Will leave you feeling like you are actually looking after your teeth...
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