Newest Review: ... drinking about 3 months ago not very long but at 23 i am now drinking 5 cans of strong bow cider and a 50cl bottle of whiskey a day.... more
Through the haze
Alcoholism in General
Member Name: MrDurden
Alcoholism in General
Date: 30/12/03, updated on 30/12/03 (30 review reads)
Advantages: none, really
Now I kinda understand why alcoholism is so highly rated. Seeing everything through a haze... Not caring very much about anything... And even losing any inhibition. But I'm not that drunk and still have some of that inhibition left lying around somewhere in my body. You might think this is just some drunkman babble, and maybe it is. But every pain is numb now, and all the problems seem somewhere far away... in the future too far to reach. All my senses running at low rates, just the minimum requirements, no one can see that I am drunk. Everything concentrated on keeping my balance and coherent talk. All this numbness is so welcome at this time. I feel almost weightless. Floating around other people. Just observing. It's like I have two consciousnesses, one wreckless and uncaring, and one that watches over the other one, correcting all its errors, seeing that the others don't notice its influence over me. Now I know how I felt at those parties, drunk out of my mind, just being purely myself, not caring, not worrying, not feeling anything else but the bare necessities of me. Dancing like a crazyman, or talking to anyone like I've known them forever. Maybe alcohol is the best drug, and what's so great about it is that it's legal.
I remember that one time I was so drunk that when I was dancing I fell to the ground and just layed there. Oblivious of all the others that were dancing around, that there was someone pulling me back up. Everything was the same colour and texture, nothing special about anything. The floor felt like the most comfortable bed there ever was. And I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go back to the real world, with its problems and issues that were all crashing down on me, suffocating me sometimes, but not enough to kill me completely, keeping me alive for more. I forgot about all of this and, probably, when I'll be sober, I will forget about this too. And I can feel the fumes of alcohol slowly retr
acting their claws from me. I am becoming sober by the second. The problems begin to come in focus with every breath I take, the numbness slowly fades into the harsh reality. And all I want is another shot. I begin to ponder on the idea that I could maintain this state for as long as I have its fuel. But I am out of fuel. So I must return myself to myself. As I can see things clearer and clearer I realize that what I have experienced was just an illusion, a dreamworld. And that all this can only lead to self destruction if abused. But if used with care and only on some occasions, it can be heaven. Again that drunkman talk. Just the basic dosage, slightly increased with every dose and it will be okay, maybe. Slowly losing touch with the reality that I cannot bare anymore. Just one more sip. And then another. And another. Forever. There should be glasses showing the world as I see it now. I'd never take them off.
But now I'm almost sober. Colours regain their normal hue, my typing returns to its normal pace with errors disappearing. There's no more pink. Everything starts to gain the usual grey shade. I'll be laughing when I'll read this completely sober, but it will be a sour laugh. I'll even delete it maybe, but I'll have a short tremble in my fingers just before I'll do it. Just crazytalk, I'll think. If I could only send it now. So my sober-ego won't be able to do anything. Or maybe he will keep it as an evidence. A bad example of what I can be when I lose myself even a little.
I am almost faded out. And I have to go eat now, which will only further push me away, leaving room only for the real me, the usual me. The one that is in control when there aren't any state-of-mind-altering-substances in my body, liberating something else than the everyday self. I will go now. And I will disappear.
And now, after I ate, my brain began to resume normal operation, my vision began to regain crystal clarity
. I am almost back to normal, but not quite there yet. There is still something left. Something that is still hidden inside me, but not for long. Soon that will die out too.
I shouldn't drink to feel better. I shouldn't slow down my senses just for the sake of losing touch, everything is still there when I get back. And what is to be dealt with I will deal with, there is no way out, there is nothing out there that will render me immune to worldly issues. I am just a mere mortal, that is, I'm dying like everyone else, a second at a time.
I cannot sign this. I don't know who I am right now. My identity is still a little blurry. I am me, but I am altered.