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Anorexia: "too thin is not enough"
Member Name: Crystal86
Advantages: being thin
Disadvantages: being sick physically and mentally, problems throughout life
I suffered from Anorexia mostly through my teenage years, nowadays I am in my twenties and still suffering consequences.
I was always one of the tallest girls in class, not too tall but taller than the average girls. I grew up quicker than the other girls in my class too, I already wore a c cup bra at the age of 10. I always felt self concious that I was bigger than most girls and I felt uncomfortable.
I was always a fussy eater as a young girl but my mother always made sure I ate enough. At around 12 I stopped eating lunch at school, partly because I was shy and partly because I felt fat. I kept eating less to get thin. When I got back to school from summer holidays for my last year at secondary school, I remember some teachers were concerned mentioned to my sister that I looked pale and thin, as if I was sick. I was 14 turning 15 at this time. I would wake up at 7am took a cup of tea and sometimes 1 small biscuit which would keep me going through the whole day. Then I wouldn't eat anything at school, maybe just drink a little water if any. Then when I got home I would drink a cup of tea and in the evening I would get a bad headache and I wouldn't have the energy to do anything and get very bad headaches so sometimes I would just end up in bed. My mum would force me to eat something, and I would eat a little and feel sick.
At 15 I met a boy who told me I should go to an aerobics class, years later I got to know that he didn't mean to say I was fat ( I was curvy, UK size 10). I got worse after this. By the time I turned 16 I started a new school, and I was eating less each day. I would go for 2 hour walks/jogging each day. I tried to avoid meals as much as possible which involved a lot of lies to my parents. In mornings I was at school, so I didn't have trouble saying I ate when I didn't. During evening mealtimes, I would fill my mouth with food, and go to the bathroom and flush everything in the toilet. I would also put food in tissues and put in my pocket to throw away, eat a mouthful and leave the rest saying I was full up. I don't know how I managed to "hide" all that food everyday but I was so determined that I managed and my parents were talking or watching tv while eating so they didn't notice. It got easier when I started going out with my boyfriend certain evenings because I would tell my boyfriend I ate at home and tell my parents I ate out.
I kept getting sick all the time since I had no immune system. My hair started falling in clumps and I remember my cousin was shocked when he saw literally a large strand of hair coming off. My gums were sick
since I wasn't eating anything with vitamin c (I had scurvy symptoms) and if I had any scratches they would take ages to heal. My nails were fragile and stopped growing.
I was a UK size 6 or smaller and practically a walking skeleton. My ribs were showing and it hurt to sit down because I was nothing but bones. I would look in the mirror and see fat everywhere and see myself as very fat. I weighed 47kgs (I am 5'5). I would also see other people as fat, for example Geri Halliwell was really thin at that time, too thin and I would see her as very fat. It seemed through my eyes I could see nothing but fat. My mother kept trying to feed me or give me vitamins but I would throw away everything, lie, say I was eating out and say I was thin due to all the exercise. I was self concious wearing a bikini and I wouldn't wear certain clothes since I thought I was too fat.
Food for me was something disgusting and I regarded it as something not neccessary in life.
I kept getting sick more often but at one time I didn't want a doctor because he commented on how thin I was (he clearly saw I had a problem). I even fainted on several occasions. It was Christmas time and I had been sick with a bad cold for weeks and it wouldn't get better. I was 17 by this time. The one night I fainted and lost conciousness for quite some time. When I woke up, for a few minutes I couldn't remember who I was. I was in bed for several days and my mother kept making me chicken broth to get better. She said it would not make me fat and I was so scared after what had happened that I ate it.
I kept eating a little more each day until I started eating almost normally, with my mother's and boyfriend's help.
My new boyfriend loved food and his mother was a great cook who cooked lots of delicous food, and forced me to eat and I started to "like" food as if it was something I had just discovered. I never over ate and I was still exercising regularly. The thing was, since I had starved my body, my metabolism had slowed down a lot, and every little thing I ate would turn into fat ("real" fat this time). So I started gaining weight very quickly and nowadays I weigh over 30 kilos more and have a problem with being slightly overweight. From a UK size 4-6 I am a size 14-16. I still find it hard to lose weight especially since I can no longer exercise due to other health problems. I still don't eat too much but I keep gaining weight since my metabolism seems permanently slow. So now I have the opposite problem. The thing is when you're anorexic, its all in your mind and you really believe you are fat even though you're so skinny its ugly. It's all in the way you see yourself and I almost feel sorry for not realising what a great figure I had and how I could have worn any kind of clothes.
Still despite not being happy about my current figure, I hope I never go back to those times because I was lucky to get out of it before getting any more sick than I already was.
Summary: A distorted way of seeing yourself
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