Newest Review: ... Finally we met up and she told me she was suffering from an eating disorder called Bulimia. I knew straight away what it was as Princess Di... more
Me and my bully
Member Name: Chantelly
Advantages: You cope
I wrote this a few years back and wanted to put it on here, not to offer advice, or a diagnosis for anyone but as a story which some of you may well feel you have written yourselves. I know when I read some of the other reviews on this I felt like that. It was a piece a doctor asked me to write to other sufferers explain what was happening to them. I later realised it helped me far more than it could any one else.
" I'm writing this on day 4 of being without Bulimia and I felt that this was the best time to write. I say i'm without it but thats not really true as I'll go on to explain.
I'm not a doctor, I don't pretend to know anything more than my own experiences, and it is this I will tell you.
It all started 11 years ago when I was only 11, looking back I realise it now but no one would have guessed not even me! Several things happened which made me feel low. My self esteem was rock bottom, not a good place to start the great climb to puberty!
I've always been tiny, all my family are, I think my natural size would be an 8 but with Bulimia it goes up and down.
Although Bulimia is an eating disorder, it is not an obsession with being thin, or at least it wasn't in my case. I wanted to feel secure, I wanted a way of coping with being raped when I was 12, but most of all I wanted a friend. All those years I wasn't 'someone with Bulimia' it is really hard to explain but I was me and my Bulimia felt like a person who was always with me. Someone to sit with me, someone to bully me.
It all starts with the bingeing, this is not your normal overeating where you eat two packs of bisciuts. I would eats tens of thousands of calories in just a few hours. It would feel great, the release, the comfort, the energy, the distraction. Then all of a sudden came the guilt, the feeling that you couldn't even control your own food intake, the girl in the mirror who was fat and ugly. I would force myself to vomit and take laxatives. This was the terrible bit, I would vomit till i was so exhausted, my teeth were damaged by the acid. But I felt great, again I was in control. I was above every one else who couldn't control their food...... and it would start again. This cycle would repeat itself every few days, that was my life for 11 years.
I had a child, got married and divorced and went through three more live in relationships. Now I realise this was just another form of control. I would stay with a man then I would leave him as I was getting settled as a form of punishment.
Then last week it all came to a head, all at once it dawned on me that what I was doing was abnormal, I was the one who had the problem not all the 'normal people who ate what they wanted when they wanted'. For the first time ever I really did have control. I called my mental health team (I also suffer from depression) and I got some great advice.
I was told to eat only little bits but often and before I ate I would tell myself that is where it would end I would not vomit. Well it worked, of course there is no magic pill but I have only had a few 'mistakes' in the last few days. I am me now, and yes I have a disorder, but it isn't part of me any more than a cold is.
I was also told to clean my teeth every time I vomited as the acid will damage the inside surface of your teeth.
This is all great advice but I'd like to add some of my own which has helped over the past months as I was realising what was going on. This is all about self esteem; so it is really important to do something which makes you feel good, mine is tap dancing; exercise is great for feeling good.
The most important thing is to talk though, to anyone, a doctor, a friend. It is so important because once you have said those words you are on your way up. No matter what you like you are worth fighting for. I'm not sure I believe all this yet but a mental health worker once said to me 'It is always the stronger people who suffer from this'. If you are in my shoes stick your nose in the air and start fighting with yourself instead of against yourself.
I know that without the Bulimia I wouldn't be here now it was a release. I wanted to end my life so much but I felt I was in control with the eating. Nothing is worth dying for and now my judgement is less clouded I can see that i have a lot to live for.
Well here I am at the end of a long letter (sorry) and I'm in floods of tears, ashamed and sad. This is the beginning though, now I have written this I can stand up and start living and that will start now......... xx
I'll let you know how I get on! "
Well that as I say was a few years ago now and I am 99% free, I feel great. I look back on the person that wrote that and it doesn't feel like me at all. If you are in those shoes get help TODAY and change them to a comfier pair of trainers. I did start that day and I won't be turning back now xx
Summary: If you are in those shoes get help TODAY and change them to a comfier pair of trainers.