Newest Review: ... Finally we met up and she told me she was suffering from an eating disorder called Bulimia. I knew straight away what it was as Princess Di... more
lifes too short
Member Name: roulette
Date: 10/12/01, updated on 10/12/01 (149 review reads)
Disadvantages: too many too list
I don't really know where to start. I’ve never really spoken openly about my experiences, and even though this is anonymous, it’s still a bit scary.
Even if I think back to when I was playing with my little ponies I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel like an outsider. The fat one.
Although I was never really bullied as a kid, I got my fair share of names like everyone else, I quess. I was the one, who had boobs first, and a big bum and a chubby face. I hated it; I just wanted to be small and normal looking so I could fade away and blend into the background. It just would have been so much easier if no one ever noticed me. But they did.
When I went to secondary school the whole thing really kicked off. All of a sudden there was this new pressure to look good, to get the right boys to fancy you, and to hang around with the right people. To be thin.
It began just by trying to stop eating choccies and crisps, which I was crap at.
So then I decided just to have breakfast and dinner, nothing else. I kept that up for about two weeks, and lost quite a fair bit of weight. It felt so good to have people telling me I looked good. That feeling of walking into a room and being confident that you don't stick out, that you are just like all the other kids.
One day at lunch I broke my diet and had a bar of chocolate (or something). A guilt like I had never felt before came over me, almost horror. Going back to being that hideous thing was too much to bear. Not that I still couldn't do with losing a few pounds.
I'd seen a girl on the telly making her self sick, so at home that night after dinner I tried it. Locked myself in the bathroom, turned on all the taps, and did the deed.
It was hard, and I felt immediately disgusted with myself. But then I felt my stomach, and how flat it was, without all that fattening food inside it.
Now I am writing this I realise how much o
f a buzz I got from that feeling, and how disturbing that is.
At my worst I was being sick maybe 20 times a day, who knows, I didn't count.
I'm certain that it was a cry for help, deep down inside I really wanted people to notice me, and to appreciate the person I was, it was just too risky to let people get close enough.
Eventually I told my mum what was going on, she was very sympathetic, but had her own problems and didn't really know how to deal with it. I don't really know how I got over bulimia, I think leaving school and college and going to university was a major factor. Now I have friends and a boyfriend who couldn't care less what I weigh, and to be honest, I'm not all that fat.
The feeling will never leave me though, I still have days when I rip open packets of biscuits and throw them down, followed by dry bread, cereal, anything. The difference is now I don't make myself sick.
I don't know if that qualifies me as being " better", but I don't feel how I used to feel about myself, and I'm happy with that.
So, I suppose I should end it there, although I could write an epic on this subject.But please, please if you are suffering with bulimia, anorexia, or anything that stops you from living your life, just take a step back and try to identify what it is you REALLY want from life, and go for it.