Newest Review: ... Finally we met up and she told me she was suffering from an eating disorder called Bulimia. I knew straight away what it was as Princess Di... more
10 Years of Hell
Member Name: manunas22
Date: 19/12/02, updated on 19/12/02 (684 review reads)
Disadvantages: Rotten teeth, Ulcerated gums, Kidney problems, Death
This is not going to be very easy to write and some may find my rather detailed personal experience alittle too descriptive. I wrote this for another site but thought maybe someone here may like to read it.
I honestly can not remember the first time I made myself sick after eating. Looking back it seems to have started when I was about 14. At this time, I had never even heard of bulimia nervosa but was about to find out that what had started as a once in a blue moon thing, would soon take over my life for the next 10 years. When I say take over, I mean it. As you will soon understand, this became a daily nightmare.
Let me first tell you what it is. Bulimia Nervosa, sometimes known as ox hunger, is an eating disorder common in adolescent girls not unkown in males and can happen to anyone at any age but, a young woman with low seft-esteem is it's main target. I must stress before I go any further, I have always had a loving family and many friends and to the outside world, wanted for nothing, so as you can see, anyone is at risk of this awful life threatening condition. Unlike anorexia nervosa, bulimia is where you eat. Now this may sound funny, let me explain. Anorexia is where you dont eat and if you do it is very little, often hiding food to make it look like you have eaten it. You convince yourself you are not hungry, you starve yourself, you always think you are fat and food becomes your enemy. Bulimia on the other hand is when you do eat and when I say eat I mean binge. By binging I mean eating, no stuffing as much into your mouth as you can. You eat all the things associated with fat, cakes, pastry, chocolate, anything. You then disappear (when you think no one is watching) and throw it up in a toilet. Now I have at times, suffered with both. You can go from one to the other, starve for days, binge, throw up then starve for days, get the picture and in some ways there is a very thin line as to which condition you have. With both the trigge
r and the end results are the same in that you are not happy with your body and long to be thin. The only problem with this is when you do get there, thin is still fat. And if you are lucky you are still alive.
As I said, I am not sure when or even how it started. One day I could eat as much as I wanted, never thought about it, the next, I only had to look at food and would put on a pound. At first I didn't think I had a problem, could control it. It didn't happen every day but when it did I would feel so good. I thought that life and the people in it would like me more if I had a nice figure and I would love the comments on how good I looked. I started to mature, things started to grow and I started to become a woman and fill out. I didn't like this and wanted my thin self back. My best friend had a great figure, which didn't help and this just added to my need to keep myself thin. I did say that I think it started when I was about 14 but only as a little fix now and then, when I had over eaten. The real problem was about 2 years later when I started work, found nightclubs, and boys. I have always loved my food and think this is why I became bulimic more than anorexic. With bulimia, I could still eat all my favourite foods enjoy the taste then be sick. This way I didn't feel I was missing out on anything. As time went on, what started as a small fix, soon became a way of life. The feeling of eating anything I wanted, throwing it back up and still having a flat belly, was a way I could control my weight. Now it was starting to get out of hand (looking back it already had but, I still thought I could control it). A once in a blue moon went to once a week, once a day then up to 5 times a day. Sometimes I would binge, vomit, binge, vomit, binge, vomit. I think the worst feeling I can remember at that time was when I had binged to the point of exploding and was just about to get rid of it when a friend knocked
on my door. The sheer panic that I couldn't get it out, get rid of this bad food, was torture. That was the longest hour of my life just waiting for her to leave. Once gone, I rushed upstairs and not satified that I had rid myself quick enough, took laxatives just to make sure. It got so bad that in the end, I would also bring up blood where the back of my throat was so raw from sticking my fingers down it. This went on for years and what was my meant to be my secret, was common knowledge. My friends could see it, my work mates and family. each in their own way tried to make little comments to help but as I still did not accept I had a problem, it fell of deaf ears. I would find myself lying, avoiding people, and making up silly excuses as to why I felt sick. All the time they knew and didn't know how to tell me. I shut myself off and when I look back, I was looking for a happy life only I made it a hell.
As sudden as it started it stopped. I fell pregnant with my daughter, Charlie at 24 and for the first time in my life, I could be fat without people thinking FAT. I look back and think how lucky I was. I did not go for treatment (but think if I did, maybe I would not have lived 10 years of hell), and to this day have still not told those around me I know, they knew. It has become a non talking subject that I have put behind me. I think in a way, my daughter saved my life and if I ever see the tell tail signs with her, would maybe be a bit more blunt with the facts. This is the first time I have written about this and by laying it down in black and white can see that maybe I still need to talk to someone.
One thing I will say is that in my experience, once you have suffered this, it never goes away. I can say that it has been 7 years now since I have felt the urge to throw up my dinner so as not to put on the weight but in the back of my mind it is still there. The only way I can relate this is if you have eve
r been a smoker and given up. You can do it, you have done it but every now and then the craving is still there. You have to be strong and say no. Think about why you stopped in the first place.
Well yes. First you have to admit to yourself you have a problem. The lying, I found can go on for years but you have to accept that people around you do know. At first you may feel embarrassed, maybe anger and even shock that you did not hide it as well as you thought. but this is a life threatenening thing that if not stopped, can lead to heart problems, rotten teeth, ulcerated gums and throat, kidney problems, death, need I go on. At the end of the day you need to learn to love yourself for who you are.
One last thought. You are not alone. It is said that 1 in every 200 adolescent girls now suffer from an eating disorder and this is getting higher every year. Please anyone that is reading who relates to this, PLEASE seek help. I know it is not easy to admit and you dont have to talk to anyone who knows you (but if you can I would).
Contact your G.P for advice on meetings in your area.
Dont trust them''
Just type in bulimia and log on to the Anorexia and bulimia care's web site for advice. You can do this without giving out your name or details.
If this has made just one person think twice, it was worth writing.