The very misunderstood subject of hurting yourself (Self Harm)

Member Name: kirsty_tinx

Product:	Self Harm
Date:	12/05/09 (108 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Some people find it helps.

Disadvantages: It's destructive.

As a self harmer of around 7 years, this is a very important subject to me. Now, soon to be 18, it worries me that I started self harming so young, at just 11 years old.

I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. The strangest thing is that, I don't know how it began. I don't recall waking up one morning thinking that today I was going to cut myself... It almost seems like there was no thought process behind it, it just happened. People writing about this sometimes make me angry, because many people try and judge it, when they can't. In a way, it's just like smoking or drinking too much - you're damaging your body. The fact is, the damage is just more immediate, and more painful at times. However, I don't aim to judge this, or even justify myself - just to talk about it, and explain that not everyone hurts themselves for attention.

The first time I cut myself, I was 11 years old. I was in the middle of my first year in 'senior school' and had settled down nicely. I don't know what happened. I was a happy, childish 11 year old, content with life and how things were, and I don't know why that changed. I don't even remember the first time I did it, I don't remember what I was thinking, or anything about it. I just remember it hurting, and I felt a bit better, because I felt like I'd punished myself. At around the same time, I dabbled in eating disorders and things as well. To be honest, I thought I'd get out of it.

I was too happy to be a 'proper' self harmer, and I wasn't particularly depressed at the time, so I thought it would go away, but it never did. Within a year of starting to cut myself, my best friend died and so did my Grandfather. What was once a random unnecessary habit became more important, as I pondered what I could have done to prevent either. It was a difficult few months, and I felt like my world had literally been torn apart. I guess from then on, it became more of a habit than anything else, which isn't something I'd proud of. I got into a routine of arguing with people and ending up feeling awful and hurting myself again. The routine got worse, as did things with my parents once they discovered my self harm. I got into a vicious circle with my dad, to do with him hurting me and me hurting myself. It was ridiculous, long and pointless, and didn't help either of us. The worse things got, the more I hurt myself until it became purely habit again. The smallest thing would set me off. I told people in an attempt to have to stop. I thought that if people knew, I would be inclined to stop - but I wasn't. If I worried about what they would say, I wouldn't tell them, but if I needed help with something, they were there. It became a safety net, and gave me an ability to get people to help me at the drop of a hat, and I hated that about myself.

Nowadays, I still can't stop. The fact is, I just don't talk about it. If I need someone, I have a couple of brilliant friends who I can talk to, but I don't tend to. Rubbish things happen, and this is my way of dealing with it. As much as I try not to, it's not that easy. I just learn to be careful, because I know how dangerous it can be. I just wish that would stop me, but I don't have the will power.

What frustrates me the most, is the way self harm is looked upon. According to most people, the only people that cut themselves are "emo's" and all self harmers want are attention. It's not true, and it upsets me so much that people assume it is. I understand the view to an extent, because I'm sure somewhere in a self-harmer's mind, is the idea that when people find out they have hurt themselves, they look after them and give them attention and sympathy - something which is sometimes nice to have when you are depressed. However, hurting yourself for attention doesn't make you any less depressed. In a way, it might be worse. It seems to me, and I mean in my own situation, the idea of having to lie and hurt myself to get people's attention is dangerous... because when will it end? Would there be sometime where I accidentally hurt myself too much, when I don't mean to? I haven't got to that stage yet, and I don't plan to. I've tried almost everything I can think of, but I can't let it go.

It's an easy habit to get into, and a difficult one to stop. My stomach is covered in scars which I can't get rid of, no matter how hard I try - so I just add to them. I've argued with so many people about it, it hurts. People don't understand, but then I suppose I wouldn't get it if I didn't do it. It's a very misunderstood topic, probably because most people can't get their heads around it. The idea of purposefully hurting yourself, just doesn't make sense does it? But it's more common than everyone thinks. I know so many people who have tried it, or have had a serious problem with it. Once my best friend did it, to see what I felt like when I did it. That hurt the most, and made me want to stop more than anything, but I couldn't. Another friend of mine threatened to do it every time I did until I stopped, which also caused me to rethink everything, but he didn't actually mean it, and once again I went back into the routine again. Although I know he was trying to help, it was one of the most unhelpful comments I've ever had about it. It was almost like guilting me to stop what I was doing. Although what infuriated me the most was that he was an ex-self harmer, so he should have known better.

People don't seem to understand that there are so many different reasons for hurting yourself, and they're all as equally valid as each other. There isn't a set reason for doing it, or a set way. Different things can trigger different people, and make them feel like they need to do it. But apart from that, I resent the thought that self harm makes you 'weird.' I understand entirely that it's not something that everyone does, but the idea of it being associated with attention seeking teenagers who can't think of anything better to do makes me feel sick. Like I said earlier, even if the reasoning behind it is attention seeking, it doesn't make it any more or less valid, and doesn't mean people can judge. Negativity like 'how could you do that to yourself?' really doesn't help. It hurts more than anything when family members push you away. Then again, having dealt with other people doing it, I understand why it's frustrating, and how hard it is to suppress any anger you feel. It's such a difficult subject, and I partially understand it from all angles. Unfortunately, I have no solutions.

If you know someone who self harms, don't judge them, don't shout at them or belittle them, and don't make them talk about it. If they want to discuss something they will, but being forced to doesn't help, especially with severe questioning. Just let them know you care, because that's important. Obviously, I'm not an expert on the subject, but these are things that I have found to be true for me. I feel qualified to write about it, after 7 years, but then this is just a personal account and view. Everyone is different.
I just find it important to write about, because I get so frustrated by people misunderstanding self harm.

EDIT: [I meant to add, and only just remembered now, if anybody wants to know anything about Self Harm, or if they know anyone who does it and wants to talk about it, just drop me a message. I'm always happy to try and help if I can, because I know how hard it is. x]

Summary: Everyone is different...