Social anxiety disorder (Social Phobia Disorder)

Member Name: truffellady

Product:	Social Phobia Disorder
Date:	16/07/09 (73 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: none

Disadvantages: panic attacks

Social phobia disorder is something most people haven't heard of but is quite common, I have suffered from it for 12 years.

I did suffer slightly before that and suffered from depression from the age of 13, I was an over weight child who was also taller than most of the boys in our year and I got teased at school because of this, I also on a few occasions got abuse shouted at me in the street, as a young child who was starting to notice boys I found it very difficult and I believed I would never get a boyfriend.

My social phobia really all started when I was 16, and I got a job where I had to get a bus to work, I use to panic that I was gonna be late for work and get a bus that got me there an hour early, stood at the bus stop I would count my bus fair over and over and I could constantly have what I had to say to the bus driver going around in my head, I would play out all the situations that may occur, what if there wasn't a seat and what if I had to sit next to someone and what if they had to get off the bus before me, I felt to go into panic mode when I saw the bus coming and would get detached from myself, it is like an out of body experience and the first few times can be quite scary.

At 18 I move out of my parents and moved 11 miles away, this is when my condition got worse, I got to the point I couldn't get on a bus and had to get a taxi the 11 miles to work costing most of my wage, I ended up getting transfered to a job location closer to home but still continued to get worse, on bad days I couldn't go into shops on my own and even when I did I would constantly check I had the right amount of money and practice what I would say to the cashier in my head. Every outside experience was accompanied with a panic attach.

4 years ago I got robbed at work at knife point, this made my condition much worse and after a very, very bad experience with my ex husband my social phobia disorder is now at its worse, I have not left my house on my own for over 3 years, when I used to work I got a lift there and back but I have not worked now for over 2 years as I am raising a young family and this as made it worse, I only leave the house with my partner on a weekend or with my mum through the week, some days I can not even take my rubbish out to the bin that is about 10 steps away from my fount door. luckily I have a large enclosed back garden so I can still manage to get fresh air. I am worried as my oldest boy will be starting nursery next year and I will have to walk him there, this panics me already. I am not sure I will be able to do this but know I will have to.

I went to see my doctor about it and he sent me to a cognitive therapist, unfortunately I found that it did not help me at all and the experience of going made me even worse and more anxious.

As a result of suffering from this I find I have to plan everything, even when I go to the supermarket with my partner I have to have a shopping list written in isle order and my partner can't leave me to go get something as I panic and start shaking and nearly crying, once I have had the panic attack it takes over half an hour to feel ok again.

The last time I went out for a drink, over 2 years ago, I needed the toilet and sat for over 2 hours not daring to walk past people on my own as the pub was very busy, in the end my partner had to walk me to and stand outside the ladies toilets otherwise I would have wet myself, I had tears in my eyes but I couldn't stand up and go on my own, I played it out in my head over and over and I just couldn't face going.

It was hard when I used to work, I was a manager of a shop so if I had any money to take to the post office or I wanted a sandwich from the sandwich shop I would send one of my staff, all my regular staff new about my condition and knew what I needed in order to make it through the day without a panic attack, however if I had staff covering illness who I didn't normally work with I would have panic attacks all day worrying that I would have to go outside, I would avoid eating so I didn't have to ask the other person to get my lunch and so I didn't have to go out myself.

I struggle when in large groups too, I am constantly going over things to say in my head and constantly rechecking everything I have said, this results in me saying very little and often not speaking at all and by large groups I mean more than 3.

I find it has been a great barrier in my life, and it is increasingly getting worse, the more I avoid the world the more the world scares me, I am embarrassed about everything, I believe I sound stupid when I talk, I know I am vastly over weight and that I am not very attractive, My disorder does hinder me losing weight as my mum has an illness that means she cant walk any distance so I only get to go for long walks on weekends when my partner isn't working I also have to go for these walks at 8 in the morning so that no one sees me, as part of my anxiety I believe people will laugh at me thinking I am too fat to go walking, my friend and sister have tried to get me to join an aerobics class with them but I know people would laugh at the thought of me exercising.

It is a horrible disorder but unfortunately I think it is one I am gonna be stuck with, I have gotten so good at avoiding the world I wouldn't know what to do if I had to start living a normal life again.

Summary: It maps out my life