Thought you may like to see a copy of the letter my hubby wrote to B&Q by way of complaint to the atrocious delivery fiasco which followed our order for new kitchen worktops and breakfast bar

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Dear Sir /Madam

Once upon a time it came to pass that two mere mortals decided to do some alterations to their kitchen
They found themselves (after much wandering over hills and through dark woods) at an emporium called B&Q kingdom.

Twas here the journey ended, they found all manner of delights to give them joy and after much consideration placed an order this was upon the day of our lord September 2nd 2006. Such was their joy that church bells rang out, people feasted, and old ladies cried at their happiness, but unbeknown to them though, dark clouds were gathering in the faraway land of delivery.

Unaware of the impending doom they ventured further to a nearby tile kingdom where they purchased sufficient matching tiles to complete their dream kitchen. little did they know it was only a matter of time before their dream became a nightmare.

The happy couple engaged a builder to fix their castle and make it like new and peace and joy was celebrated throughout the land (often with a glass of Chilean Merlot)

The dark clouds continued to gather, it seemed as if a wicked wizard was at work. When at last the long awaited magical delivery day arrived but the precious cargo had been stolen by evil goblins only an edging strip was left behind.

Oh cruel fate this was, after waiting in all day and taking a day off work to only get this tantalising glimpse of what should have been.
Meanwhile at B&Q the time delay and great loss had been blamed on a wormhole in space and a record number of sunspots. The lady of the castle was distraught, and the master perplexed.


Five weeks passed with no news of the stolen goods .The builder by now had turned into a nasty snarling gremlin (obviously enchanted by a wicked spell). He was incarcerated in the dungeons as he kept trying to leave, shouting “give me work, give me work”.

The dark clouds still held, and after the five-week wait another magical device arrived and yes another day off work was needed (the kingdom was falling into ruin).
Again the wicked wizard sent goblins that stole the eagerly awaited cargo. This time they made off with the breakfast bar. Only the worktops were delivered.


These were lovingly stored in the great hall. So large were they, that they blocked the king’s study and the castle lounge door. But not to worry, at least this prevented the builder gremlin from escaping.


People came from far and wide to see the tops in the great hall. In time the tops became legendary.
Many years passed and the lady of the castle became saddened at the passing of time. The master had long since joined the chapel Choir to help him cope, and all he could offer his lady as solace was a rendition of “Jesu Joy of Mans Desiring”(baritone).
People started calling out in the street, “How are the tops, are they all here yet?” they began to mock, and crowds jeered.


Twas then the fair lady snapped. She wanted to send the tops away and start again with another kingdom, but it wasn’t to be. Vile wizards circled the castle and sent three wise men from the east, as Christmas was approaching (I suspect these were goblins in disguise). They arrived with tiles that matched the tops, so there would be no escape.


Meanwhile the builder gremlin was on hunger strike and became ill. The Master considered taking holy orders, but instead took more time off work for the final delivery. Eventually the long awaited breakfast bar arrived. The kingdom had crumbled, and the castle had become nothing more than a place of pilgrimage. People journeyed for many months, just to see all the tops together with the edging strip. The battle of the tops was won. But the kingdom had paid a terrible price, and winning did not seem such a victory after all and the king was very disappointed that he had chosen to entrust his and the queens dreams to B&Q.

The End

In order to restore peace and trust to the land the king and queen hope that B&Q will smile kindly on the couple and compensate them for their distress.
Then they could all live …………………………..………………………………

Happily Ever After



P.S. The builder gremlin disappeared and was never heard from again

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We had great results we got a cheque for £100 which was about 30% of the cost of our order