The Paper Porn Palace (Voronez Hotel)

Member Name: zoe_page_1

Product:	Voronez Hotel
Date:	14/08/01 (143 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: In the op

Disadvantages: In the op

Brno is, well, lacking in standard hotels. They have a few grotty places but the rest are magnificent 4 or 5* affairs. Since it was nearly my birthday and I was feeling extravagant, I decided to lap up the luxury in the Hotel Voronez for 2 nights back in August.

The hotel can be reached by tram (number 1 from the station going left for 5 stops) but I was lazy and decided a taxi was the way to go. I have a bad habit – whenever I’m in a non English speaking country I will try German first if I don’t know the language. I asked the cab driver if he spoke German and he said a bit. I then asked if he spoke English and he kind of smirked and said something which I can only imagine to be the Czech equivalent of “as if!”. So back into German it was. I had with me a print out of the hotel’s website and I showed him this. He nodded, gave me a price (about 4 GBP) and we were soon on our way.

Arriving at the hotel I again went into German and explained I had a reservation. The receptionist looked at me in a strange way and then gave me a form to fill in. Maybe they aren’t used to 18 year old girls toting backpacks turning up at their fancy little (or rather big) hotel. My room was 512, which was not surprisingly, on the 5th floor. They have a swipe card system for getting in which took me a few minutes to get used to as I managed to swipe it in 4 different ways and, as is always the case, it was the last try that worked (because after all why would I continue trying to open the door once it was already open?).

Anyway, first impressions were, nice room, lovely and modern in a Post house / Holiday Inn way which is just what I like. Ever noticed how the word “rustic” includes the word “rust”? Quaint and sweet and full of charm is not for me. I like modern and spotless. The room had in it a large desk, a table and 3 chairs, a huge bed, 2 bedside tables and a TV (details later). The walls we
re a pastel colour with only minimal decoration. The carpet was deep red, and patterned. Clashed slightly with the blue (differently) patterned bed spread but never mind. Two chocolates were waiting on the pillows, and since my travelling companion Benjamin doesn’t like them, I had to eat them all.

The bathroom was wonderful - spotless and shiny and ver very white. Standard contents . bath with shower attachment, toilet, sink, towel rail (with 6 towels.....) Only problem was the bath was rather short and narrow. Now I’m not that fat and I’m certainly not tall, so if I found this I pity any Mr Blobby style guests they might have. Interestingly, the mirror was rather high up – I could only just see my shoulder tan lines, so maybe it’s a case of either you can wash or you can look at yourself to see how dirty you are.....who knows?

In the room itself though there were other mirrors (note the plural). One was above the TV and the other was part of the wardrobe (which itself provided plenty of storage room). Now onto the TV. It had an assortment of channels including CNN (isn’t it worrying how Americans care more about Northern Ireland’s problems than we do?), CNBC, Eurosport, RTL (German) and some Czech channels. I watched a bit of “Who wants to be a millionaire?” in Czech – even got the answer right although I suppose a 1 in 4 chance of guessing correctly helped. There were also 3 radio channels (2 Czech, 1 German, all playing, what else but Atomic Kitten’s Whole Again......). Finally there was pay-per-view which I took advantage of on Saturday night. After watching 2 films (1 German, 1 English) I flicked over to the porn which came along with the package. Quite educational I must admit although they’d sort of dubbed the English into German (although because of a second or so time difference you could hear both) and they’d changed what they were saying so when one girl was
replying “nooooooooo” to the question “do you like that?” she appeared to be saying “Ja Ja!” to any Germans in the audience..... Worrying point was when they brought on two girls, one of whom was called Zoe, and the other Paige. Oh dear. Oh dear. And oh dear some more. Oh, and I always thought it was “paper view” not “pay per view” but I have to admit there was nothing one dimensional about this lot (apart from maybe their acting).

Freebies are always important in hotels but here they were being all green and had dispensers in the bathroom so as far as toiletries are concerned I came home empty handed. All was not lost however, as I managed to discover some hotel postcards a shoe horn, a sewing kit and a shoe polisher which all made their way into my backpack on Sunday morning.

The hotel boasts a shop, a restaurant, a grill cafe, a bar, a massage and sauna place and, supposedly, a swimming pool and bowling alley. The only one of these I tried was the restaurant for breakfast since it was included in the price. They claim to have an extensive breakfast buffet, and indeed they do, but how much of it you’d actually want to touch is a different question. On offer included :

A selection of different types of rolls and bread

Butter, margarine, many types of jam and honey

Fruit – bananas, apples, oranges and plums all in abundance

Fresh fruit salad

Ordinary salad (meaning the lettuce, carrot, pepper variety – for breakfast?!? )

Hot food – including meat loaf (!), sausages and some kind of inch high eggs which no, I didn’t try.

Cereal – which I did try but didn’t like. I guess I’m just a cereal snob: for me it’s Kellogg’s or nothing

Cakes – the apricot roulade was nice although the chocolate fruit affair was only edible if you removed the fruit.....

D
rinks, including coffee, herbal and normal teas and juices (3 types) although the orange was all sugary and needed diluting with my ever present bottle of Evian to make it drinkable.

Breakfast is available 6 am to 10 am and they keep bringing out fresh foods throughout. The other restaurants are open from 11 am to 11 pm, and the night club stays open to the ungodly hour of 1am (I’m being sarcastic, this is early especially after having been in Vienna and Manchester for the best part of the last year). The reception is open 24 hours, and the shop in the lobby from 7 am to 7 pm daily.

Since the hotel has a conference centre attached they offer a wide range of secretarial and office services – from the usual faxing and photocopying to booking cars for you and your guests. They also have a branch of Hertz Rent a Car within the hotel itself.

I noticed something as I walked towards the restaurant on Sunday morning. I was the only female for miles around apart from the staff, the only person who seemed complete without a briefcase and filofax and the only person who wasn’t paying for the stay on a business account. Yep, I was practically the only person not a 40 year old business man.....

The hotel was pretty cheap – about 38 GBP per night including breakfast and taxes, although the price rises during trade fairs if which there are a lot each year in the city, but although they claimed it was 4*s (and I have to admit I haven’t stayed in that many hotels over the last decade or two) I felt this to be a bit of an exaggeration.

At this point it was time for Benjamin to crawl back into my backpack (he hadn’t bought a ticket for the train, but since the trip was only 90 mins he’d cope) and for the two of use to head back to Vienna.

Sorry I can’t give you more details but I went to Brno to see the city, not to stay in the hotel and try all their facilities (and frankly this opi
nion is long enough anyway). For more details, check out the website.

Thanks for reading.

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